My Mind is in Darkness

There is a moment in the Rock Opera Jesus Christ Superstar, when Judas – right before he is about to commit suicide by hanging himself – sings out:

My mind is in darkness.
God, God I'm sick. I've been used,
And you knew it all the time.
God, God I'll never know why you chose me for your crime.

Judas’ realization that his mind was moving into darkness and his acknowledgement that he is sick struck me as a painful description of what many people with mental illness must feel as they try to overcome life’s challenges and often impossible expectations.

According to the World Health Organization, Depression is one of the most pervasive and debilitating health conditions in the world, one that affects an estimated 350 million people worldwide and contributes to the suicides of 800,000 people every year (one person every 40 seconds). It is recognized as being at the core of numerous mental health conditions and it is a leading cause of disability among adults.

In 2015, UCLA launched a study to better understand the causes of depression and to find ways to improve detection, evaluation, and treatment methods. Nearly 10,000 of the school’s freshmen were subjected to depression screening during their student orientation. The depression screening found that almost 12% of UCLA freshman reported “frequently” feeling depressed in the past year.

“That depression has not been identified as our number-one health issue astounds me,” UCLA Chancellor Gene Block said in announcing the results of the screening program, “…if you haven’t experienced depression yourself, you know someone who has“.

The familiar symptoms of depression are persistent low mood, exhaustion, loss of appetite and sex drive, an inability to enjoy life or cope with everyday activities. Less obvious symptoms include disordered and distorted thinking, agitation, physical aches and pains, and insomnia.

Depression is difficult to treat because it is not really known what causes it. We know it results from a complex interaction of social, psychological, biological and genetic factors; and that people who have gone through adverse life events are more likely to develop depression.

Further complicating diagnosis, depression doesn’t always act the same way from individual to individual, or from episode to episode, which can range from mild to severe. An episode can last from a few days to weeks, months, or even years when there are multiple interrelating causes.

Treatment for depression is a bit of a guessing game, with only a 50% success rate after the first treatment. Each sufferer often needs something different. Antidepressants sometimes work, but not always. Talk therapies help some people, but not others. Someone may feel better with increased social contact, a change in relationships, or a new job. For others, becoming less busy or starting an exercise regime is what makes the difference. Sometimes the passage of time is what helps. Unfortunately, because depression plays havoc with the capacity to see things clearly, it’s hard for a depressed person to know what they need.

Too many people, especially in the past, shunned people suffering from mental disorders and labeled them as crazy, defective or even criminal – categorizing them as people to be avoided and deserving to be outcast from everyday normal society. Mental health professionals now say that those struggling with mental illness should not be punished or ostracized, but looked at instead with compassion and empathy – and provided access to medical treatment and services.

I was listening to Outsiders, a podcast series about the homeless community in Olympia, Washington that was developed by KNKX Public Radio and The Seattle Times. The team spent one year in the city documenting the stories of people grappling with the hardships of homelessness.

One episode tells the story of Jessica, a woman in her 30’s who has been homeless for two years. During her interview, Jessica reveals that her father left her when she was young because “he loved the drink more than he loved her“. Her mother became addicted to methamphetamines and shacked up with a series of boyfriends to support her drug habit. She was first molested at the age of 4 by one of her mother’s boyfriends and during her teen years she was pimped out to pay her mother’s bills.

Jessica was constantly moving and never lived in a stable home. She first got pregnant by an abusive boyfriend, who made her give up the child for adoption. She had a second child and lived in an apartment as a single mother for several years, but she was evicted when she could no longer afford to pay the rising rent. She lost custody of her daughter when she became homeless. She is striving to find employment and a place to live so she can reclaim her daughter; but she has developed a drug habit that helps her to block the pain she feels during the long nights spent in her tent under the city bridge. She is losing all hope.

So often, one’s lot in life is determined by its beginnings – whether a person grows up in an environment where they feel loved, respected and supported. What chance did Jessica have to become a functioning adult given the circumstances of her formative years and the trauma she has endured? How can a person live with hope when they grow up with nobody they can trust? Can I honestly say that my situation in life would be much different than Jessica’s if I had grown up under similar conditions?

As a society we are quick to judge people without knowing their full story. It is no surprise that the majority of the homeless population consists of individuals who have a tragic story to tell. Many suffer from PTSD like symptoms due to childhood traumas they suffered at the hands of their dysfunctional and abusive families.

Military veterans suffering from PTSD are provided subsidized government housing and free access to medical services to treat their symptoms; but no such programs are offered to homeless people who are left having to fend for themselves and end up falling through the cracks and becoming invisible.

The homeless population do not even benefit from temporary Government assistance programs which could have a meaningful positive impact to their life (like direct payments given to citizens through the stimulus plan) because they do not have a permanent address and there is no way to contact them.

Breaking the Blues

But you don’t have to be poor and homeless to suffer from depression. All you have to do is follow the lives of the rich and famous to understand that money and possessions do not guarantee happiness. The fact that there are over 12 thousand mental health facilities in the United States alone demonstrates that Depression is an equal opportunity illness that affects all levels of the socioeconomic ladder and every class of society.

Over the course of my life, I have encountered close friends and family members fighting to overcome frightening episodes of mental health distress that have darkened their minds. Most of them were fortunate enough to seek out and find professional treatment that helped them navigate their conditions.

To be honest, I have noticed that my own mind is subject to occasional bouts of the blues. These bouts appear irregularly in my life and it is often a mystery to me what brings them on or how long they will last. I tell myself it is OK to feel blue sometimes (reminding myself of the expression that a good day is a laugh and a cry) as long as it doesn’t negatively affect my relationships with the people I love or make me blind to the beauty that can be found in each day.

Over time I have discovered various coping techniques which I can employ to help me bust out of these bouts of the blues. Employing one or more of these techniques usually helps light to sneak in and drive out the darkness trying to spread over me.

• Exercise – I don’t know the science behind it, but I do know that when I exercise regularly I tend to feel better both physically and mentally.
• Meditation – Helps me to empty my mind, lowers my stress levels and allows me to look at life’s problems and uncertainties from a new perspective.
• The Arts – Listening to a concert, visiting a museum, attending a play; all of these activities bring to life for me the infinite capacity and wonder of the human spirit.
• Writing – When my first wife was fighting her losing battle with breast cancer, I began a Gratitude Journal. Every day I would write down three things that happened during that day that made me grateful. It helped me to think about something positive beyond the big sadness in my life. This Words To Live By blog also gives me a monthly opportunity to express myself about the topics that are taking up space in my mind.
• Religion – There is something comforting in attending Catholic Mass, knowing that the same rituals – celebrating the Good News that there is a higher power and that death is not the end – have been practiced by my ancestors and by untold millions worldwide for centuries.
• Wilderness – My happy place is being out in Nature, whether it be taking extended hikes through wilderness areas, walking the trails of my town, biking down a scenic road; or, my favorite – wading a cold mountain stream in search of hungry trout.
• Reading – A good book is like a magic carpet which can transport me to different worlds and different ages. Somerset Maugham felt that the habit of reading provides a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.
• Grandchildren – Seeing the world through the eyes of your grandchildren is one of life’s most rewarding experiences. Watching them grow brings back happy memories of the past and instills hopeful thoughts of the future.
• Sleep – It’s hard to be joyful when you are tired. I’m amazed how much more pleasant the day is when I get a good night’s sleep or when I get to have a nap during the day.

I suppose all these blues busting techniques share one common element; they all tend to steer me away from the self-absorbed thoughts that typically run around in my head and they get me to start thinking about other people and about higher callings.

Warren Zevon, in his song “Don’t Let Us Get Sick“, describes how he uses this coping strategy to deal with his problems:

I thought of my friends
And the troubles they've had
To keep me from thinking of mine

Bob Dylan once gave his prescription for fighting the blues on his Theme Time Radio show, which I think is good advice to follow whenever we find our minds shrouded in darkness:

“I’m gonna tell you the magic formula for fightin’ the blues. What you got to do is go out and help someone more unfortunate than you. Go to an Orphanage. Play football with kids. Go to retirement homes. Go to Soup Kitchens. Go into Prisons. Go see some people. There are people everywhere who aren’t as well off as you. No matter how bad you have it, somebody’s got it worse. Instead of adding to the sadness in the world, why not lend a hand. Help somebody out and not just on Christmas. Why don’t you give it a try year round.“

Bob Dylan – Theme Time Radio Hour (Christmas Episode)

Wishing you all good mental health and a way for you to always make your dark clouds disappear…