“Anything truly novel is invented only during one’s youth”

This summer I read Walter Isaacson’s illuminating biography of Albert Einstein, the man who is widely considered to be the greatest thinker of the 20th Century. In 1905, when he was only 26 years old, he published four groundbreaking papers that forever changed the way people understood space, time, mass, gravity and energy.

By the time Einstein turned 40 in 1919, at a moment when he was struggling to devise a unified theory of matter, he complained to a friend that “Anything truly novel is invented only during one’s youth. Later, one becomes more experienced, more famous – and more blockheaded“.

Einstein’s frustration at his diminished capabilities as he aged is a phenomenon that is considered common with mathematicians and physicists who seem to make their greatest contributions to science before they turn 40. Einstein remarked to a colleague that as he got older he felt his intellect slowly becoming crippled and calcified.

Why does this happen? In Einstein’s case, it was partly because his early successes had come from his rebellious traits. In his youth, there was a link between his creativity and his willingness to defy authority and the universally accepted cosmological laws of his day. He had no sentimental attachment to the old order and was energized at the chance to show that the accepted knowledge was wrong or incomplete. His stubbornness worked to his advantage.

After he turned 40, his youthful rebellious attitudes were softened by the comforts of fame, renown, riches and a comfortable home. He became wedded to the faith of preserving the certainties and determinism of classical science – leading him to reject the uncertainties inherent in the next great scientific breakthrough, quantum mechanics. His stubbornness began working to his disadvantage as he got older.

It was a fate that Einstein began fearing years before it happened. He wrote after finishing his most groundbreaking papers: “Soon I will reach the age of stagnation and sterility when one laments the revolutionary spirit of the young“. In one of his most revealing statements about himself, Einstein complained: “To punish me for my contempt of authority, Fate has made me an authority myself“. He found it even harder as he got older acknowledging “the increasing difficulty a man past fifty always has adapting to new thoughts”.

Einstein brilliance is beyond compare, but I can relate to his observation about doing your best work when you are young. When I look back at my personal life and work career, I recognize that I was at my most ambitious and innovative during the decades of my 20’s and 30’s.

My adult life exploded with big events in 1982, the year that I turned 22. In the timespan of that one year I managed to graduate from college, marry my college sweetheart, start my first professional job as an engineer, buy a new house and a new car, and learn that my wife and I were going to become first-time parents. I remember filling out a survey designed to measure the amount of stress in your life during that eventful year and being surprised when the calculated stress numbers registered so high that they indicated I should be dead!

But all of it was exhilarating to me at that point in my life. I was experiencing new things and accumulating knowledge like a sponge. I knew that my growing family would be counting on me to be a good provider – which gave me the incentive I needed to focus on building a stable career.

I was determined to be successful in my engineering role and threw myself into learning everything I possibly could about the company I worked for as well as the electronic test and measurement equipment that they manufactured.

Many of my co-workers had graduated from more prestigious universities than me and I felt that I had something to prove. I wanted to make a name for myself and grow my reputation and value within the company by making important contributions to the projects to which I was assigned.

I took several continuing education engineering classes at night to improve my knowledge of subject areas that I knew would be helpful to me at work, I sought out brilliant co-workers who could mentor me and give me wise advice on how to approach complex technical projects, and I questioned everything – wondering if there might be a better solution to the problems we were trying to solve.

This drive in my early career to be successful enabled me to do my most innovative and important work for the company during the decades of my 20’s and 30’s. In the span of my first 18 years working for the company, I was awarded two patents, helped develop multiple new test products which generated millions of dollars for the company, created automated software regression tests significantly lowering product development times while improving software quality, and published frequent technical articles for industry conferences and trade journals.

By the time I turned 40, I could point to many important career milestones and had achieved recognition as a top performer and leader within the company. The rewards of my hard work were a comfortable home and financial independence. With this success I began to have feelings of contentment that lessened my drive to take on new projects or solve interesting problems. I became comfortable and happy with life as it was – I no longer felt the need to over-extend myself.

I was satisfied to rest on my past achievements and to take on less tasking roles that would improve the product in evolutionary, rather than revolutionary ways. Over time, I became the wise, experienced, older mentor to younger employees who came to me for advice and direction.

I felt okay with that transition as I considered it my good fortune to be in a situation where I was able to share my knowledge with a new generation of ambitious young people who were ready to make their own marks on the world by inventing novel new solutions that were now beyond me. In some ways, being a part of those collaborative efforts made me feel better than my individual personal accomplishments.

The famous journalist Ed Bradley once interviewed Bob Dylan in 1998 on the television show 60 minutes, at a time when he was approaching 60 years old. During the course of the interview, Bradley asked Bob what the source of inspiration was for his famous early songs, the ones that led to him being recognized as the voice of a generation while he was still only in his 20’s.

Dylan replied that his early songs were almost magically written and that he felt some kind of power, outside of himself, flowing through him while was writing them. When Bradley asked if he could still tap into that penetrating magic now in his songwriting, Dylan paused and said; “No, I don’t know how I got to write those songs“. Bradley followed up and asked if that disappointed him, Dylan replied softly; “Well you can’t do something forever and I did it once… and I can do other things now – but I can’t do that“.

That is a healthy way, I believe, of thinking about what is possible for each of us as we age. My days of endless ambition and innovative thinking are past. But I can do other things now that I couldn’t do then. I can indulge hobbies that interest me, I can find new paths to hike and rivers to fish, I can help care for my mother in her old age and I can share what I have learned through my life experiences and pass it on to my grandchildren and the larger community via this blog.

There will only ever be one Einstein, none of us will ever be as brilliant as him – but if you are under 40, get busy by putting your spry young mind and youthful ambition to work! Maybe you too can come up with novel ideas and ways of doing things that will help change the world or someone’s life for the better.

And if you are over 40, you can be like Einstein in his older years; contributing in a positive way to his community and sharing his wisdom, experience and good fortune with the next generation. In the end, many of our late in life pursuits that we share with others can end up being more rewarding and meaningful to us than any personal accomplishments we achieve along the way.

All Perception is Fundamentally an Illusion

Most people who stare at the image below will believe the dark oval in the middle is growing larger. But, believe it or not, it is just an illusion – a static image.

According to a study published in the journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, this illusion has something to teach us about how our brains and eyes collaborate to see the world. Researchers tested the illusion on 50 men and women with normal vision and found that those participants who had eyes with the strongest pupil dilation response had the greatest response to the illusion; while those with poor dilation response could not see it.

The pupils in the human eye are designed to automatically adjust to the surrounding light, dilating when it is dark so they can capture more light, and constricting when it is bright to prevent overexposure. Even though the hole in this illusion is not darkening, the perception or expectation in our mind that it should be darkening is enough to make our pupils respond.

Bruno Laeng, a psychology professor at the University of Oslo and an author of the study, says: “There is no reason that the pupil should change [while looking at this image], because nothing is changing in the viewers world, but something clearly has changed inside the mind.”

The researchers hypothesize that the illusion is deceiving because the gradient on the central hole makes it look to the viewer as if they are entering a dark hole or tunnel, which prompts the participants’ pupils to dilate. Our brains are making assumptions about what it sees based on past experience and is trying to predict and prepare our senses for what it thinks will happen next.

It takes time for light to reach our sensory organs and send the image to our brain. The brain then takes more time to process the image, make sense of it, and decide what actions to take based on the collected information. By the time our brain catches up with the present, time has already moved forward, and the user’s environment has most likely changed.

To minimize this image collection and processing delay, the brain may be constantly trying to predict a little bit into the future so that it can better perceive the present. Being fooled by this expanding hole illusion is not a flaw of the human species, but a feature. It is most likely built up from evolutionary history to help humanity survive.

The information we get from our senses is spotty and incomplete, so the brain has evolved over time to try to guess what is happening in the uncertain and ever-changing world – and to make decisions based on what is most likely to happen next.

People who possessed brains with the best ability to adapt and predict what is happening at any given moment most likely had an advantage over those that lacked the capacity to adapt. When the illusion image is communicated to the brain, it anticipates that the body will soon be entering a dark place and it responds by telling the pupils to begin dilating (so the body will be able to react sooner in case there is danger lurking inside that black hole).

Researchers tell us that everything we perceive is inconsistent with the physical reality of the world. It is not just that the information taken in by our senses can be misunderstood, it is also that there is a universe of information available in the physical world that is imperceptible to the human senses.

Consider light itself. The light our human eyes can detect is only a sliver of the total amount of light that’s out there. The 0.0035% of the electromagnetic spectrum we can see is referred to as visible light, but the other 99.9% percent of the spectrum consisting of radio waves, microwaves, infrared radiation, ultraviolet rays, X-rays and gamma rays are all undetectable by our eyes.

Electromagnetic Light Spectrum

Humans have cone-shaped cells in our eyes that act as receivers specifically tuned to the wavelengths in the narrow visible light band of the spectrum. Other portions of the spectrum have wavelengths too large or too small and energetic for the biological limitations of our perception.

Evolution has not endowed us with the ability to see beyond the visible region of the electromagnetic spectrum; although it is possible to feel infrared radiation as heat and employ other parts of the electromagnetic spectrum for practical uses, such as X-Ray medical imaging.

But we carry on with our lives, oblivious to the huge spectrum of electromagnetic waves present all around us. Humans have managed to survive and reproduce despite our limited view. It’s a good thing that visible light was adequate to help our ancestors detect predators that would do them harm.

But imagine if our eyes were able to detect other parts of the electromagnetic spectrum — our universe would be unrecognizable. We could glean so much more visual information if we were able to see in the radio, infrared or even X-ray regions of the electromagnetic spectrum.

Bees and butterflies are examples of organisms that can detect Ultraviolet radiation. Some flowers have special markings that can only be seen in UV light. Bee and Butterfly eyes are able to view this electromagnetic radiation like lights on an airport runway, to find their way to the flower’s nectar. Snakes have special sensory organs on the front of their heads that let them ‘see’ infrared waves, which they put to use with particular effectiveness when hunting for warm-blooded prey.

Consider our sense of sound. Humans can detect sounds in a frequency range from about 20 Hz to 20 kHz, though the upper limit in average adults is closer to 15–17 kHz (because humans lose some high-frequency sensitivity as they mature).

That range of sounds allows humans to hear many of the sounds produced in nature, but not all. Any frequency that is below the human range is known as infrasound. It is so low that it may be detected only by a creature with big ears, such as an Elephant or by specialized instruments designed by scientists to detect the low frequency sounds that precede avalanches and earthquakes. Any frequency that is above the human frequency range is known as ultrasound. Bats and Dolphins use ultrasound frequencies as high as 200,000 Hz to help them navigate via echolocation.

Most dogs can hear sound frequencies as high as 47,000 to 65,000 Hz which is far too high-pitched for humans to hear. That is why dogs can be trained to detect when their owner is about to experience a seizure. Dogs ears are also much more sensitive to loud sounds than ours, which is probably why fireworks, thunderstorms and vacuum cleaners send them scurrying for cover.

Consider our sense of smell. Humans have 396 olfactory receptors which are employed to help us pick up scents. Almost all animals, however, have a larger number of olfactory receptors than humans (rabbits have 768 olfactory receptors) which provides them with an excellent ability to smell. 

Among the animals with the greatest sense of smell are bears whose sense of smell is 300 times better than humans and is capable of detecting a deceased animal from up to 20 miles away; elephants who can smell water sources from up to 12 miles away; sharks who can smell the presence of a drop of blood in almost 100 liters of water; and bloodhounds whose sense of smell is 2,100 times better than that of a human’s and can detect trace amounts of drugs and explosives inside packages.

When you consider all these blind spots in our senses, it is obvious that humans live in a world in which many sights, sounds and smells exist that are beyond the ability of our limited senses to detect; and those that we can detect can be compromised by our overactive minds. It’s enough to make you think that all human perception is, fundamentally, just an illusion; or as Bob Dylan keenly observed “All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie“.

It could well be that we are each living in our own virtual reality world, bound by the limitations of our physical senses and the tricks employed by our minds. Dr Laeng believes we each do live in a virtual reality world. Much of what we see is an illusion, but we are not really being tricked – he believes the visual illusions help to reveal the mismatches between what our eyes see and what our mind’s eye thinks is happening.

So what lessons can we take away about how to live our lives knowing the limits of our senses and the tendency of our brains to trick us into seeing what it wants us to see.

One lesson is that we should remind ourselves that things are not always what they appear. It is possible for two people to witness the same event but still give contradictory descriptions of what they saw; even though they are certain their description of events are true. Knowing that our eyes are susceptible to being tricked should make the criminal justice system wary of judging guilt based solely on the testimony of eye-witnesses.

Another lesson is to be careful of letting our minds be swayed by our pre-conceived biases and political opinions. If we each live in our own virtual worlds then we need to be careful of falling into the trap of accepting information that matches our biases and opinions while discarding facts that don’t. If more people were careful to seek out an objective, agreed-upon, reality then maybe there would be less disagreement and discord in today’s society.

Finally, we should all be humbled and filled with wonder knowing that what our senses reveal to us is only a small portion of the great wide-world we live in. There is a whole universe out there beyond our human senses – a twilight zone if you will, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of the mind, one where there is so much more for us to discover.

Industry is the Enemy of Melancholy

I was fortunate to retire from my traditional work career at the relatively young age of 56. Retiring early had become a goal of mine ever since I observed how much my father enjoyed his 30 year post-work life. My father was perfectly content to leave the working life behind and fill up his days with fishing, tending his vegetable garden, solving the daily crossword puzzle, taking naps and watching the home town Sports teams on his television.

When the time came for me to retire, I had an idyllic vision of spending my days in similar fashion. Finally, after 56 years, I was looking forward to being my own boss – thrilled to have the opportunity to wake up every day and do whatever it was that interested me. I believed that every day would feel like Christmas!

And those first few months of retirement really were magical. Gone was the stress of having to be available 24/7 to my company’s sales and management teams who were battling to close million dollar deals, gone was the daily 3 to 4 hour commute in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and gone was the chronic sleep deficit.

It was goodbye to all that. What replaced it was the pleasure of deciding which book to read from my list of “books I always wanted to read“, fly fishing in the beautiful rivers of New England, taking long rides on my electric bike, spending quality time with my grandkids, and attending stimulating concerts and plays with my wife.

Something begin to happen, however, that I was not expecting about six months into my retirement. As the novelty and thrill of being retired began to subside I began to notice that I was experiencing melancholy moods and moments of soul searching. I was spending time reflecting on topics like past loss, the certainty of my physical and mental decline, and the uncertainty of how future generations will deal with the big existential challenges the world is facing.

Without the rigors of work to occupy my attention, my mind was set free to wander where it wanted to go and to my surprise I discovered that it often wanted to contemplate dark and doleful topics. I was not that concerned about these sometime melancholy moods because I reasoned that it is one of life’s natural reactions to harbor feelings of both happiness and sadness; and I remembered the wise old grandmother who once said: “A good day is a laugh and a cry“. Still I wondered why my pensive thoughts were increasing in frequency at a time in my life when I expected to be most content.

Then I happened to read about a study conducted by Harvard psychologists Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert which could help to explain the phenomenon I was experiencing. These researchers developed a smartphone app that allowed them to collect the thoughts, feelings, and actions of a broad range of people at random moments as they went about their daily activities.

Using the app, Killingsworth and Gilbert asked people what they were doing and how happy they were while doing it. They sifted through 25,000 responses from more than 5000 people and reported that 46% of the people were thinking about things other than what they were actually doing at the time (in other words, they were daydreaming about something other than what they were doing). They discovered that those people who were daydreaming typically were not happy; while those who were fully engaged in their activity were the happiest. 

The researchers wrote that unlike other animals, human beings spend a lot of time thinking about what is not going on around them, contemplating instead events that happened in the past, might happen in the future, or will never happen at all. This “stimulus-independent thought” or “mind wandering” appears to be the brain’s default mode of operation.

Although this ability is a remarkable evolutionary achievement that allows people to learn, reason, and plan, it apparently comes with an emotional cost. “We see evidence that a human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind,” they said in their report. The bottom line is that we’re more likely to think negative thoughts when we let our minds wander.

Maybe that is why people who are waiting in line or stuck in traffic appear to be more irritable. And maybe my melancholy moods have increased in frequency since leaving work simply because my mind is no longer required to spend 10+ hours a day focused on the demands of my job.

This study confirms that many philosophical and religious traditions are on to something true when they teach that happiness is to be found by living in the moment, and by training their practitioners to resist mind wandering and concentrate on the here and now. Yoga teachers and those teaching meditation practices usually stress the importance of “mindfulness” or “being present” for a good reason — because when we do, it usually puts us in a better mood.

When I look back at my work career, I can see now that those moments when I felt most fulfilled was when I was in the middle of product development activities, being part of a team inventing electronic test solutions to solve complex manufacturing challenges. During those moments all the powers of my mind were fully engaged in solving the problem at hand and there was a sense that the results of the team’s collective work would have a positive impact on the company, our customers, and to a certain extent, society in general.

William F. Buckley put his finger on the unique ability that meaningful work has in preventing the onset of depressive feelings when he wrote “Industry is the enemy of Melancholy“. Simply put, if we are busy doing work that requires a focused mind it becomes difficult for the mind to wander and contemplate spirit dampening topics that are likely to cause the blues.

I happened to listen to an online homily about work that touched on a similar theme from a spiritual point of view that was given by Bishop Robert Barron. Bishop Barron made the point that our very being is deeply influenced by our actions and that the kind of work we do has a lot to do with the kind of people we become.

People who have no work usually struggle with depression because our sense of dignity often comes from work. Those who suffer from unemployment feel not just the financial burden of a lost paycheck, but also the loss of dignity brought about from the loss of their livelihood.

When you are feeling down one of the things psychologists recommend is to get to work on a project. It tends to make you feel better because work engages the powers of mind, will, creativity, and imagination and we become awakened when we give ourselves over to a project.

It doesn’t have to be a grand or complicated project. In fact, Bishop Barron mentioned that he found that one of the things that brings him the most satisfaction is doing the dishes. His day is usually filled with meetings and intellectual activities, so it is a relief for him to do some simple physical work at the end of the day. It brings him satisfaction to make order out of a dirty kitchen and to see everything clean and in its place when he is done.

The Bishop referenced this lyric from Bob Dylan’s song “Forever Young” to emphasize that work is a blessing and that souls can not fully prosper when their hands and feet are idle.

“May your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift, may you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift”

Bob Dylan; Forever Young

Not all work is physical, though. Pope John Paul II categorized different kinds of work for the faithful. There is physical work (the work of the body), intellectual work (the work of the mind), spiritual work (the feeding of one’s soul), and moral work (charitable work on behalf of the poor and mistreated). When we are attentive to each of these categories of work in our daily life, it is then that we best fulfill our divine potential and become collaborators with the purpose of God.

I like that idea. May we all come to see our work, in all its different manifestations, as collaborating with the purpose of God and as bringing us into a more perfect union with a higher power.

Sorry is a Sacrament

One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.

The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.

A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.

The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.

What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.

Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.

This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.

Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.

I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):

“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.

Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS

So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.

Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.

That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.

I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.

Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.

When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.

Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.

Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.

After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.

Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.

By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:

• It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
• It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
• It conveys remorse
• It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.

A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.

During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.

Feeling Like a Stranger Nobody Sees

Bob Dylan recently celebrated his 80th birthday by releasing a film noir streaming art movie of him singing songs from his early career. The movie was filmed entirely in black & white and was appropriately named Shadow Kingdom because throughout the film dark shadows obscure the musicians and most of the surroundings.

Screenshot from Bob Dylan’s Shadow Kingdom Film

The set reminded me of something right out of an old twilight zone episode, a 1940’s style dark and smoky nightclub where the dozen or so people in the barroom sit at tables with their drinks and cigarettes, or mingle out on the dance floor slowly grooving to the music of Bob’s four piece band.

I realized while watching that Bob was clearly the oldest person in the film – there doesn’t appear to be a person in the band or in the audience who is older than 40 – most appear to be in their 20’s and 30’s. I’m not sure if it was his intention, but it would not surprise me to learn that Bob specifically wanted to surround himself with young people. After all, he is the man who wrote Forever Young and the one who made famous the observation that “He not busy being born is busy dying“.

For Bob it seems as if age is not a number but an attitude, and throughout his career he has refused to become a nostalgia act or to live on his past glories. Instead he has continuously changed and reinvented himself; and along the way he has succeeded in making music that is relevant and appealing to every generation. One look at the mix of young and old faces at his concerts demonstrates his ability to speak to all ages.

Which is difficult to do because in today’s society the elderly are often overlooked by the young. As people get older, they often get the feeling that they are being ignored and that they are becoming invisible within their communities. A couple lyrics from Bob Dylan’s later songs indicate that even someone as famous as him is not immune from this feeling.

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees

Lyrics from song Mississippi by Bob Dylan

I see people in the park forgetting their troubles and woes
They’re drinking and dancing, wearing bright-colored clothes
All the young men with their young women looking so good
Well, I’d trade places with any of them
In a minute, if I could

Lyrics from song Highlands by Bob Dylan

In these lyrics, Bob ponders the predicament which many old people find themselves in. Just when they should start feeling fortunate for reaching their seventh or eighth decade of life, their bodies become old and frail and they find themselves becoming unvalued outsiders. It seems as if the world speeds up and they just become spectators to life happening around them.

Strangers who once smiled and acknowledged them as they walked past begin passing by without even a glance. They become self-conscious about their appearance and failing senses and withdraw further into isolation, sadly contributing towards their own “invisibility”.

The author Helen Garner, in her 2015 essay The Insults of Age, writes that women especially have always had an acute awareness of growing old. Her essay explores all the cruel ways in which getting older means being erased from a culture that equates youth and beauty with value. “Your face is lined, and your hair is grey, so they think you are weak, deaf, helpless, ignorant and stupid. It is assumed that you have no opinions and no standards of behavior and that nothing that happens in your vicinity is any of your business.”

My father as he got older suffered from COPD (which made it a struggle for him to breathe) and hearing decline (which made it hard for him to follow group conversations). Despite this, he was beloved by his eight children for his wisdom, good nature, and the code of honor with which he lived his life.

But I remember my mother telling me about an incident that occurred that was very hurtful to my father when he was older. There were a group of people sitting around the table having a discussion about a specific topic. My father ventured to offer his opinion on the subject when one of the young people interrupted and told him that “Nobody really cares what you think“.

Those words were a shock for my father to hear. He was a man of integrity who was used to being treated with respect and dignity throughout his life and whose opinion was always highly valued. To bluntly be told that nobody cared what he thought was like a slap in the face. With incidences like this happening to the elderly is it any wonder why they become confused and retreat into isolation?

There was a time in the past when the elderly were revered, cared for, and sought out for their wisdom. It seems that today they are instead viewed as a burden and out of touch with the way the world operates. There is a generation of people that are overlooked every day.

Age should not define a person or diminish respect from others. According to the American Psychological Association, people who do not feel connected are at increased risk of depression, dementia, and poor self-esteem – all factors that can affect physical and mental health and overall life satisfaction.

And this problem between the generations is only likely to get worse as aging adults shuffle themselves off into sterile retirement communities that bill themselves as “God’s Waiting Room” while young adults flock to the vibrancy and vitality of urban cities. Both sides lose in this segregation of the generations as it becomes difficult for the young to imagine what their life might look like when they are older and the old forget what it is like to see the world for the first time through new eyes.

In a society that idolizes youth and youth culture, it can be difficult to understand and address the challenges older adults face. Changing society’s perception of the elderly is beyond me, but I can try to go out of my way to fully engage with the older adults I encounter in my day-to-day activities – to show them that I see them and that they are not invisible!

If each of us made a small effort to be friendly with the older adults we encounter, to listen to what they have to say and to treat them with dignity, then we would all be richer for the experience. Old folks have a lifetime of experiences to share and many interesting stories to tell – if we only give them the chance.

Perhaps there is a selfish motivation behind my efforts to fight the stigma of aging. After all, pretty soon I will be considered an old timer (my ten year old grandson already calls me an oldster); and I hope people will still see me and treat me with dignity as my body runs down. Invisibility is a good Superpower to have in the movies but, I imagine it must get pretty lonely in real life when nobody ever really sees you.

My Mind is in Darkness

There is a moment in the Rock Opera Jesus Christ Superstar, when Judas – right before he is about to commit suicide by hanging himself – sings out:

My mind is in darkness.
God, God I'm sick. I've been used,
And you knew it all the time.
God, God I'll never know why you chose me for your crime.

Judas’ realization that his mind was moving into darkness and his acknowledgement that he is sick struck me as a painful description of what many people with mental illness must feel as they try to overcome life’s challenges and often impossible expectations.

According to the World Health Organization, Depression is one of the most pervasive and debilitating health conditions in the world, one that affects an estimated 350 million people worldwide and contributes to the suicides of 800,000 people every year (one person every 40 seconds). It is recognized as being at the core of numerous mental health conditions and it is a leading cause of disability among adults.

In 2015, UCLA launched a study to better understand the causes of depression and to find ways to improve detection, evaluation, and treatment methods. Nearly 10,000 of the school’s freshmen were subjected to depression screening during their student orientation. The depression screening found that almost 12% of UCLA freshman reported “frequently” feeling depressed in the past year.

“That depression has not been identified as our number-one health issue astounds me,” UCLA Chancellor Gene Block said in announcing the results of the screening program, “…if you haven’t experienced depression yourself, you know someone who has“.

The familiar symptoms of depression are persistent low mood, exhaustion, loss of appetite and sex drive, an inability to enjoy life or cope with everyday activities. Less obvious symptoms include disordered and distorted thinking, agitation, physical aches and pains, and insomnia.

Depression is difficult to treat because it is not really known what causes it. We know it results from a complex interaction of social, psychological, biological and genetic factors; and that people who have gone through adverse life events are more likely to develop depression.

Further complicating diagnosis, depression doesn’t always act the same way from individual to individual, or from episode to episode, which can range from mild to severe. An episode can last from a few days to weeks, months, or even years when there are multiple interrelating causes.

Treatment for depression is a bit of a guessing game, with only a 50% success rate after the first treatment. Each sufferer often needs something different. Antidepressants sometimes work, but not always. Talk therapies help some people, but not others. Someone may feel better with increased social contact, a change in relationships, or a new job. For others, becoming less busy or starting an exercise regime is what makes the difference. Sometimes the passage of time is what helps. Unfortunately, because depression plays havoc with the capacity to see things clearly, it’s hard for a depressed person to know what they need.

Too many people, especially in the past, shunned people suffering from mental disorders and labeled them as crazy, defective or even criminal – categorizing them as people to be avoided and deserving to be outcast from everyday normal society. Mental health professionals now say that those struggling with mental illness should not be punished or ostracized, but looked at instead with compassion and empathy – and provided access to medical treatment and services.

I was listening to Outsiders, a podcast series about the homeless community in Olympia, Washington that was developed by KNKX Public Radio and The Seattle Times. The team spent one year in the city documenting the stories of people grappling with the hardships of homelessness.

One episode tells the story of Jessica, a woman in her 30’s who has been homeless for two years. During her interview, Jessica reveals that her father left her when she was young because “he loved the drink more than he loved her“. Her mother became addicted to methamphetamines and shacked up with a series of boyfriends to support her drug habit. She was first molested at the age of 4 by one of her mother’s boyfriends and during her teen years she was pimped out to pay her mother’s bills.

Jessica was constantly moving and never lived in a stable home. She first got pregnant by an abusive boyfriend, who made her give up the child for adoption. She had a second child and lived in an apartment as a single mother for several years, but she was evicted when she could no longer afford to pay the rising rent. She lost custody of her daughter when she became homeless. She is striving to find employment and a place to live so she can reclaim her daughter; but she has developed a drug habit that helps her to block the pain she feels during the long nights spent in her tent under the city bridge. She is losing all hope.

So often, one’s lot in life is determined by its beginnings – whether a person grows up in an environment where they feel loved, respected and supported. What chance did Jessica have to become a functioning adult given the circumstances of her formative years and the trauma she has endured? How can a person live with hope when they grow up with nobody they can trust? Can I honestly say that my situation in life would be much different than Jessica’s if I had grown up under similar conditions?

As a society we are quick to judge people without knowing their full story. It is no surprise that the majority of the homeless population consists of individuals who have a tragic story to tell. Many suffer from PTSD like symptoms due to childhood traumas they suffered at the hands of their dysfunctional and abusive families.

Military veterans suffering from PTSD are provided subsidized government housing and free access to medical services to treat their symptoms; but no such programs are offered to homeless people who are left having to fend for themselves and end up falling through the cracks and becoming invisible.

The homeless population do not even benefit from temporary Government assistance programs which could have a meaningful positive impact to their life (like direct payments given to citizens through the stimulus plan) because they do not have a permanent address and there is no way to contact them.

Breaking the Blues

But you don’t have to be poor and homeless to suffer from depression. All you have to do is follow the lives of the rich and famous to understand that money and possessions do not guarantee happiness. The fact that there are over 12 thousand mental health facilities in the United States alone demonstrates that Depression is an equal opportunity illness that affects all levels of the socioeconomic ladder and every class of society.

Over the course of my life, I have encountered close friends and family members fighting to overcome frightening episodes of mental health distress that have darkened their minds. Most of them were fortunate enough to seek out and find professional treatment that helped them navigate their conditions.

To be honest, I have noticed that my own mind is subject to occasional bouts of the blues. These bouts appear irregularly in my life and it is often a mystery to me what brings them on or how long they will last. I tell myself it is OK to feel blue sometimes (reminding myself of the expression that a good day is a laugh and a cry) as long as it doesn’t negatively affect my relationships with the people I love or make me blind to the beauty that can be found in each day.

Over time I have discovered various coping techniques which I can employ to help me bust out of these bouts of the blues. Employing one or more of these techniques usually helps light to sneak in and drive out the darkness trying to spread over me.

• Exercise – I don’t know the science behind it, but I do know that when I exercise regularly I tend to feel better both physically and mentally.
• Meditation – Helps me to empty my mind, lowers my stress levels and allows me to look at life’s problems and uncertainties from a new perspective.
• The Arts – Listening to a concert, visiting a museum, attending a play; all of these activities bring to life for me the infinite capacity and wonder of the human spirit.
• Writing – When my first wife was fighting her losing battle with breast cancer, I began a Gratitude Journal. Every day I would write down three things that happened during that day that made me grateful. It helped me to think about something positive beyond the big sadness in my life. This Words To Live By blog also gives me a monthly opportunity to express myself about the topics that are taking up space in my mind.
• Religion – There is something comforting in attending Catholic Mass, knowing that the same rituals – celebrating the Good News that there is a higher power and that death is not the end – have been practiced by my ancestors and by untold millions worldwide for centuries.
• Wilderness – My happy place is being out in Nature, whether it be taking extended hikes through wilderness areas, walking the trails of my town, biking down a scenic road; or, my favorite – wading a cold mountain stream in search of hungry trout.
• Reading – A good book is like a magic carpet which can transport me to different worlds and different ages. Somerset Maugham felt that the habit of reading provides a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.
• Grandchildren – Seeing the world through the eyes of your grandchildren is one of life’s most rewarding experiences. Watching them grow brings back happy memories of the past and instills hopeful thoughts of the future.
• Sleep – It’s hard to be joyful when you are tired. I’m amazed how much more pleasant the day is when I get a good night’s sleep or when I get to have a nap during the day.

I suppose all these blues busting techniques share one common element; they all tend to steer me away from the self-absorbed thoughts that typically run around in my head and they get me to start thinking about other people and about higher callings.

Warren Zevon, in his song “Don’t Let Us Get Sick“, describes how he uses this coping strategy to deal with his problems:

I thought of my friends
And the troubles they've had
To keep me from thinking of mine

Bob Dylan once gave his prescription for fighting the blues on his Theme Time Radio show, which I think is good advice to follow whenever we find our minds shrouded in darkness:

“I’m gonna tell you the magic formula for fightin’ the blues. What you got to do is go out and help someone more unfortunate than you. Go to an Orphanage. Play football with kids. Go to retirement homes. Go to Soup Kitchens. Go into Prisons. Go see some people. There are people everywhere who aren’t as well off as you. No matter how bad you have it, somebody’s got it worse. Instead of adding to the sadness in the world, why not lend a hand. Help somebody out and not just on Christmas. Why don’t you give it a try year round.“

Bob Dylan – Theme Time Radio Hour (Christmas Episode)

Wishing you all good mental health and a way for you to always make your dark clouds disappear…

There is no Right or Left, there’s only Up and Down

Many people throughout the years have attempted to get Bob Dylan to reveal his political affiliations. The historically important songs he has written throughout his career, along with his cultural reputation as the voice of a generation, have made both Republicans and Democrats eager to claim him as their own. Both sides proudly point to specific lyrics in his songs that they say proves Dylan is either a right-leaning Conservative or a left-leaning Liberal.

A Democrat could point to this verse from Dylan’s 1975 song “Hurricane” to argue that Bob Dylan is a liberal because he thinks systemic racism is built into American society and that the criminal justice system is corrupt and needs to be reformed.

"Meanwhile, far away in another part of town
Rubin Carter and a couple of friends are drivin’ around
Number one contender for the middleweight crown
Had no idea what kinda shit was about to go down
When a cop pulled him over to the side of the road
Just like the time before and the time before that
In Paterson that’s just the way things go
If you’re black you might as well not show up on the street
’Less you wanna draw the heat"

Likewise, a staunch Republican could argue that Dylan’s 1983 song, “Neighborhood Bully” indicates that Dylan is a conservative because he is a strong supporter of Israel’s right to use force to protect themselves from their hostile Arab neighbors.

"The neighborhood bully just lives to survive
He’s criticized and condemned for being alive
He’s not supposed to fight back, he’s supposed to have thick skin
He’s supposed to lay down and die when his door is kicked in
He’s the neighborhood bully"

The truth is that Bob Dylan has always been an independent spirit and he has always managed to keep his specific political leanings a mystery. When pressed on his positions after President Kennedy’s assassination Dylan declined to reveal any loyalties to political parties, saying only to the reporter that to him “There is no Right or Left, there’s only Up and Down“.

I admire Bob for his discipline to remain above the fray when it comes to the petty politics of the day. It is a strategy that has allowed him to freely practice his art and speak his mind, unencumbered from the demands of party line expectations. Dylan admitted in his 1964 song “My Back Pages” that he feared becoming his own enemy “in the instant that I preach“.

The fact that both parties can point to past statements uttered by Dylan to back up one or more of their political positions is a good indication that Bob does not base his opinions on whether an issue is supported by the left or right; but instead he considers each issue independently and makes up his mind based on a position’s moral merits – in other words, whether the position is good (Up) or bad (Down).

The country would be better off if more people looked at issues, not as Right or Left, but as good or bad. Too many people today blindly follow the positions of their party’s leaders, keeping a closed mind to the arguments of their opponents and failing to objectively examine political issues so as to determine what they ought to believe. If more people did this, then there would be less debate about whether a policy proposal originated from a conservative or liberal playbook and more discussion about whether a policy is right or wrong.

Throughout history, America has benefitted from good ideas and policies that have originated from both Republican and Democratic leaders. It is a shame that politics today are so partisan that politicians refuse to support legislation that is good for the country, simply because the idea originated from the other side. It is an even greater shame that politicians will rubber stamp legislation that is bad for the country simply because their party leaders and corporate donors support it.

I consider myself a political moderate; conservative on most fiscal issues and liberal on most social issues. Based on this, you would think I would fit into the the category of an Independent voter; however my distaste for the increasingly far-right policies of the Republican party over the last few decades have led me to vote almost exclusively for Democratic candidates.

In order to win elections, Republicans have turned to populist techniques. They try to whip up the passions of the “common people” by presenting overly simplistic and emotional answers to complex questions – using tactics like blaming minority groups for the country’s problems, exaggerating dangers to scare people, lying to drown out reasoned deliberation and insulting anyone who disagrees with them.

Donald Trump is only the latest and best example of a long line of political leaders who fit the definition of demagogue as described by the historian Reinhard Luthin:

“A demagogue is a politician skilled in oratory, flattery and invective; evasive in discussing vital issues; promising everything to everybody; appealing to the passions rather than the reason of the public; and arousing racial, religious, and class prejudices – a self-professed ‘man of the people’ whose lust for power without recourse to principle leads him to seek to become a master of the masses.”

Historian Reinhard Luthin

Demagogues exploit a weakness inherent in most democracies which is the greater numbers of lower class and less-educated voters. These are the people most prone to be whipped up into a fury and led to reckless actions by a politician who is skilled at fanning the flame of resentment.

Democracies are instituted to ensure freedom for all as well as popular control over government authority. Demagogues can however, turn power deriving from popular support into an authoritarian force that undermines the very freedoms and rule of law that democracies are made to protect.

For centuries, political leaders in the U.S. have used racial prejudice as a tactic to shore up support from white Americans, particularly those white Americans who feared they were losing social status as Black Americans made civil rights gains. In the 1960’s Richard Nixon used the infamous Southern strategy to persuade white southerners to vote for him by stirring up fear of Black empowerment.

Bob Dylan recognized in his 1963 song “Only a Pawn in their Game” how southern politicians (both Democrat and Republican) used the poor white working class as pawns to protect their political power:

A South politician preaches to the poor white man
"You got more than the blacks, don't complain
You're better than them, you been born with white skin, " they explain
And the Negro's name
Is used, it is plain
For the politician's gain
As he rises to fame
And the poor white remains
On the caboose of the train
But it ain't him to blame
He's only a pawn in their game

The deputy sheriffs, the soldiers, the governors get paid
And the marshals and cops get the same
But the poor white man's used in the hands of them all like a tool
He's taught in his school
From the start by the rule
That the laws are with him
To protect his white skin
To keep up his hate
So he never thinks straight
'Bout the shape that he's in
But it ain't him to blame
He's only a pawn in their game

Sadly, Donald Trump has continued and perfected the tactics of the demagogue to whip up the passions of the lower class and less educated segments of the American population; and to punish any politicians within his party who dare to express an opinion which he does not support. His influence has turned the Republican party into the Party of Mean People by pushing a xenophobic platform that is anti-immigrant, anti-regulation, anti-civil rights, anti-science, and anti-gun control.

The followers of Donald Trump do not make an effort to weigh the moral implications behind the “conservative” policies they blindly support – as long as Trump supports it, they support it – even if the policy is bad for the country and works against their self interests.

The fact that Donald Trump lost his re-election bid is a sign of hope, but it remains to be seen if he will keep his hold on power or whether some Republicans will be courageous enough to break with the conservative party line and start thinking independently about what is best for the country.

As a way to encourage that break from party line thinking, I hereby offer up this list of virtuous political principles that I hope would be adopted by all citizens of good faith after careful consideration. I don’t consider these political principles liberal or conservative – I advocate support for them simply because I believe they would be good for our democracy and make our country stronger:

• Voter Access: It is good for the country when there are fair and open election laws that make it easy for citizens to participate in our democracy; and bad when state and federal authorities set up roadblocks that make it difficult to vote or when they enact legislation that suppresses the vote.
• Quality Education: It is good for the country when every child has access to a quality education and bad when poorly performing schools prevent students from achieving their full potential. Parents of students attending failing schools should be given the ability to move their children to a better school.
• Quality Health Care: It is bad for society when its citizens do not have access to quality health care and it would be good to pass legislation that works towards making Universal Health Care a right and not a privilege.
• Environmental Protection: It is bad when governments ignore climate change science and good when they undertake meaningful steps that will preserve and protect the environment for future generations.
• Civil rights: It is bad for the country when citizens are treated unfairly because of their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability; and good when individual civil rights are protected and citizens trust the criminal justice system.
• Compassionate Immigration: It is good for the future of our country to have a robust and compassionate immigration policy that respects the dignity of all applicants; and bad to have an isolationist policy that keeps out skilled workers and those who are being severely persecuted in their homelands.
• Living Wage: It is bad for the fabric of society when families earning minimum wage live below the poverty line and good when working families are provided a living wage.
• Economic Inequality: It is bad for society when greater than 70% of the country’s wealth is concentrated in the hands of 10% of its citizens and good when corporations and governments enact policies that lessen economic inequalities.
• Food Security: It is good when policies are put in place to protect citizens who live in poverty from hunger. It is bad that 1 in 10 households live with food insecurity and 16% of children do not know where there next meal is coming from.
• Fiscal Restraint: It is bad for the country’s future and the future of our children for the government to continually run up such large national deficits – and good for the government to cut unnecessary programs which allows the country to live within its means.

I hope the next time you asked to form your opinion on a political issue, you will ignore what the political parties are telling you to think, and instead, like Bob Dylan, choose the position that you think will best lift the country up, not bring her down.

The Dirt of Gossip Blows into my Face

Frank Sinatra was my Dad’s favorite singer and one of the most popular and influential musical artists of the 20th century, selling more than 150 million records during his long music career. His rise to fame began in the the 1940’s and lasted all the way into the 1990’s, when my Mom and Dad actually got to see him perform live on a concert stage in Worcester, MA.

Nostalgic memories of my Dad cheerfully crooning old Sinatra tunes led me to a Netflix documentary called Sinatra: All Or Nothing At All; which documents Frank’s 60 year career from its humble beginnings to his life as a music giant, touching on all the personal battles he struggled with along the way.

Francis Albert Sinatra was born in Hoboken New Jersey in 1915, the only child of Italian immigrants. His energetic and driven mother and his illiterate father were the proprietors of a tavern in Hoboken. Frank spent much of his time there after school working on his homework and singing along to the tunes on the bar’s player piano for spare change. He developed an interest in music at a young age, particularly big band jazz, and was especially influenced by the intimate easy listening vocal style of Bing Crosby.

Sinatra got his break fronting popular bandleaders Harry James and Tommy Dorsey and found success as a solo artist in 1941 when he began topping the male singer polls. His appeal to the teenage girls of that time revealed a whole new audience for popular music – which had been recorded mainly for adults up to that time. His popularity became officially known as “Sinatramania” and his bright blue eyes earned him the nickname “Ol’ Blue Eyes“.

Frank never learned how to read music, but he worked very hard to improve his singing abilities by working regularly with a vocal coach. He became known as a perfectionist, renowned for his dress sense and performing presence and insisting on recording all his songs in front of a live band.

Sinatra led a colorful personal life. He was often involved in turbulent affairs with women, had connections to Mafia bosses, and had several violent and well publicized confrontations with journalists and work bosses he felt had crossed him.

Despite the negative publicity, everyone recognized the important contributions Frank Sinatra made to society through his music. He was honored with America’s highest awards and was named by music critic Robert Christgau as “the greatest singer of the 20th century“. He died in 1998 but he remains to this day an iconic and popular figure.

In 1995 a birthday tribute, Sinatra: 80 Years My Way, was broadcast from Los Angeles featuring a star-studded cast of performers singing songs meant to honor the “Chairman of the Board“. I was surprised to learn that Bob Dylan, my favorite artist, was among the cast of performers who appeared on stage that night.

On the surface, it seems like Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan would be unlikely to have much in common. After all, they come from different generations and practiced totally different musical styles. Frank worked with a big band using his smooth velvet voice to interpret other people’s songs; while Dylan wrote and sung his own material employing his unique rough and weathered blues voice.

But the two artists had great respect for one another and if you dig deep into the life and careers of the two men it is not hard to understand why:

• Both men came from humble beginnings; Frank the son of blue collar workers and Tavern owners in Hoboken NJ and Bob the son of a Hibbing MN Appliance Store owner.
• Both were self-made men who dropped out of school to pursue their musical interests. Frank would sing for free on NY Radio stations and found jobs singing for cigarettes or his supper. Bob hitchhiked across the country singing at Folk Clubs and coffee shops for tips and crashing on friend’s couches in New York’s Greenwich Village.
• Both men had to learn how to cope with the fame and attention that comes with achieving sudden fame and popularity. Sinatra had to travel with bodyguards while Dylan learned to disguise himself in public and hide his family away from the hordes of fans who would show up at his doorstep at all hours of the day and night to ask him his opinions about politics and the meaning of life.
• Both men had a small circle of loyal friends who they trusted, both lived through a series of romantic relationships, and both were known to be moody for wanting to protect their privacy and do things their way.
• Both men spoke out against injustice. Frank publicly championed the rights of all people, regardless of race and set an example by the diverse group of people he associated with in his personal life. Bob wrote the great Civil Rights anthems of the 1960’s that encouraged passing of the landmark 1960’s Civil Rights laws.
• Both men managed to have successful musical careers for more than 60 years. One was simply referred to as “The Voice“; while the other was burdened by the press with the title of the “Voice of his Generation“.
• Both men were primarily responsible for what is known as “The Great American Songbook“. Frank’s iconic singing of the work of the great songwriters from the 1940 and 50’s led to the first Great American Songbook; while Bob Dylan’s original and poetic songs became classics and the key components of America’s second Great American Songbook.
• Both men were honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Congressional Gold Medal and Grammy Lifetime Achievement Awards. Both men were included in Time Magazine’s list of the 20th century’s 100 Most Influential People.

Even though the two men were not close, it is not surprising that they would each have admiration and respect for one another – simply because of the similarities between their life experiences. Dylan once told an amusing story about the first time he met Frank which indicates the two men knew they were made of stuff that was a cut above everyone else.

“We were standing on his patio at night when he took me aside and said, ‘You and me, pal, we got blue eyes, we’re from up there,’ and he pointed to the stars. ‘These other bums are from down here.’ I remember thinking that he might be right.”

Bob Dylan relating what Frank Sinatra said to him at their first meeting

While browsing Youtube, I was happy to stumble across this [video clip] of Bob Dylan singing his song “Restless Farewell” to Frank at his 1995 80th birthday television tribute. The lyrics for this poignant song are reprinted below:

Restless Farewell by Bob Dylan

Oh, all the money that in my whole life I did spend
Be it mine right or wrongfully
I let it slip gladly to my friends
To tie up the time most forcefully
But the bottles are done
We've killed each one
And the table's full and overflowed
And the corner sign says it's closing time
So I'll bid farewell and be down the road

Oh, ev'ry girl that ever I've touched
I did not do it harmfully
And ev'ry girl that ever I've hurt
I did not do it knowin'ly
But to remain as friends you need the time
To make amends and stay behind
And since my feet are now fast
And point away from the past
I'll bid farewell and be down the line

Oh, ev'ry foe that ever I faced
The cause was there before we came
And ev'ry cause that ever I fought
I fought it full without regret or shame
But the dark does die
As the curtain is drawn and somebody's eyes 
Must meet the dawn 
And if I see the day, I'd only have to stay
So I'll bid farewell in the night and be gone

Oh, ev'ry thought that's strung a knot in my mind
I might go insane if it couldn't be sprung
But it's not to stand naked under unknowin' eyes
It's for myself and my friends my stories are sung
But the time ain't tall
Yet on time you depend and no word is possessed by no special friend
And though the line is cut, it ain't quite the end
I'll just bid farewell till we meet again

Oh, a false clock tries to tick out my time
To disgrace, distract and bother me
And the dirt of gossip blows into my face
And the dust of rumors covers me
But if the arrow is straight
And the point is slick
It can pierce through dust no matter how thick
So I'll make my stand and remain as I am
And bid farewell and not give a damn

I can’t help thinking that Bob chose to sing this particular song as a farewell because it beautifully captures the independent spirit and steadfast nature of both Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan; two men who walked in the same shoes, trying to live life to the fullest and navigating the journey on their own terms.

I believe the song captures the essence of both men. Both men lived life generously, sharing their fortune with friends, family and worthy causes. Both men loved greatly and regret past hurts to companions that can’t be undone. Both men picked up the torch to fight battles to overcome injustice, battles that must now be picked up by others. Finally, both men remained true to themselves, refusing to be swayed by public opinion or what impact their actions would have on their popularity.

The last verse is especially striking to me. As Frank Sinatra is nearing the end of his life, does he feel bewildered and bothered by a false clock that is trying to tick out his time? Does he remember all the “dirt of gossip” that blew into his face through the years or think about the “dust of rumors” that seemed to always cover him? If he does, Bob advises Frank not to give a damn about it because Frank was always a straight arrow with a sharp point and “if the arrow is straight and the point is slick it can pierce through dust no matter how thick“.

Maybe the reason both men were able to bust through the dust and dirt that swirled around their life is because when they got up to sing they had a way of capturing the universal emotions of the human spirit in a way that always felt true.

Frank expressed this exact sentiment directly when he was asked about all the gossip and innuendo that always seemed to surround him. He said; “Whatever else has been said about me personally is unimportant. When I sing, I believe I’m honest.“

So, here’s to those two restless spirits, Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan; may they live forever through their music and may their music continue to remind all of us “other bums” to bravely pursue our lives with authenticity and honesty.

No Gain without some Pain

When the Coronavirus epidemic first began to shut down the economy and close the schools, the audio book company Audible announced that they would offer free access to a collection of classic audio books – “so that kids everywhere can instantly stream an incredible collection of stories… that will help them continue dreaming, learning, and just being kids“.

I took advantage of Audible’s generosity by listening to several classic novels, one of which was Oscar Wilde’s “The Picture of Dorian Gray“. The 1890 novel tells the story of of a cultured, wealthy, and impossibly beautiful young man named Dorian Gray.

Dorian’s artist friend Basil, is so taken by Dorian’s appearance and noble bearing that he badgers him into sitting for a portrait. While putting the finishing touches on the portrait, which elegantly depicts the young Dorian as a handsome mythological figure, Dorian is introduced to Lord Henry Wotton.

Lord Henry is an upper-class intellectual who is popular in social circles for his amusing wit and charms, and for his selfish pursuit of pleasure. Upon observing Dorian’s portrait, Lord Henry praises it as a masterpiece and proceeds to give a speech about the transient nature of beauty and youth.

The speech worries the impressionable young Dorian because he begins to realize that over time his most impressive youthful characteristics will inevitably begin to fade. This leads Dorian to curse his portrait, because he sees it will only come to remind him of the lost beauty he once had. In a fit of distress, he pledges his soul if only the painting would take on the burden of his age while he remained forever young.

His wish is granted. Throughout the years, Dorian’s friends age while he stays the same. His picture, however, gradually changes over time to reflect his increasingly evil and corrupt lifestyle.

Lord Henry corrupts Dorian’s mind and soul by encouraging him to live a life dedicated to the pursuit of pleasure. He gives Dorian a book describing the wicked exploits of a nineteenth-century Frenchman which becomes Dorian’s bible as he sinks ever deeper into a life of sin and corruption.

He lives a selfish lifestyle devoted to garnering new experiences and pleasures, with no regard for conventional standards of morality or the consequences of his actions.

Eighteen years pass. Dorian’s reputation suffers in circles of polite London society, where rumors spread regarding his scandalous exploits. His peers nevertheless continue to accept him because he remains young and beautiful. Meanwhile, the figure in the painting that is locked away in Dorian’s attic grows increasingly hideous. 

Near the end of the novel, Lord Henry asks Dorian how it is that he has managed to remain so young after all these years. He wants to know the secret behind what he believes is Dorian’s “exquisite” life.  

“Tell me Dorian how you have kept your youth. You must have some secret. I am only ten years older than you are, and I am wrinkled, and worn, and yellow. But you are really wonderful, Dorian. You have never looked more charming than you do to-night. You remind me of the day I saw you first. You were rather cheeky, very shy, and absolutely extraordinary. You have changed, of course, but not in appearance. I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

Quote from “Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde

While listening to this novel, it struck me how strong the human longing is for eternal youth and how many schemes have been promoted over the years promising quick and painless ways to achieve it.

Since the beginning of recorded history, people have been searching for a Fountain of Youth. Tales of a mythical spring that can restore the youth of anyone who drinks or bathes in its waters show up in many historical writings – some dating as far back as the 5th century BC.

Based on these many legends, early explorers and adventurers looked for the elusive fountain, or some other remedy generally associated with magic waters, that when drunk or bathed in would reverse the aging process and cure sickness.

Even today, society’s unending pursuit to find some type of easy ‘medicine’ that will keep us forever young continues strong. One of the songs from 79 year old Bob Dylan’s latest album wistfully praises Key West as the place where the rejuvenating virtues of the sun and wind can be found:

Key West is the place to be
If you’re looking for immortality
Stay on the road, follow the highway sign
Key West is fine and fair
If you lost your mind, you will find it there
Key West is on the horizon line

Lyrics from “Key West (Philosopher Pirate)” by Bob Dylan

Fortunately for those of us living today, modern medicine and the discovery of life-saving vaccines have delivered on the promise of extending the human lifespan.

According to the organization Our World in Data, the average global life expectancy for the human species when Oscar Wilde was writing his book was 29 years old. By 1950, the average life expectancy had increased to 46 years – and by 2015 it had grown to 71 years. So, in the course of approximately 200 years mankind has successfully managed to more than double the average human lifespan.

Despite the incredible advances made by the medical and scientific communities to increase our longevity, science teaches us that nobody can live forever – everyone has an expiration date.

There is a ceiling on human lifespan. The longest living person as verified by the Gerontology Research Group was a French woman named Jeanne Calment who died in 1997 at the age of 122.

Theoretical studies suggest that the maximum lifespan a human can achieve under circumstances that are optimal to longevity is approximately 125 years. The process of aging itself constrains our lifespan, which means that until mankind figures out a way to stop aging, not just treat or prevent specific diseases, there isn’t much chance humans will be able to increase their maximum lifespan beyond that age.

Though we accept there is no fountain of youth or chance at immortality, we also know that certain lifestyle habits can help us stay healthy and younger looking as we grow older. Scientists have provided overwhelming evidence that the following lifestyle habits positively contribute to human health and longevity:

• Maintain Healthy Body Weight – Maintaining a healthy body weight lowers the risk of developing diseases and conditions associated with aging such as diabetes, clogged arteries, heart attacks and strokes. People who limit their calorie intake have healthier heart muscle elasticity, blood pressure and inflammatory markers.
• Eat Smart – A healthful diet includes a variety of fruits and vegetables of many colors, whole grains and starches, good fats, and lean proteins. Eating healthfully also means avoiding processed foods with high amounts of added salt and sugar. A 2015 study showed that eating a healthy diet slows cognitive decline, improves bone strength and enhances gastro-intestinal health.
• Exercise – Working out helps combat the loss of bone density and muscle mass that naturally occurs in our skeletons as we get older. A study, published in the International Journal of Sports Medicine concluded that 70-year-olds who regularly lift weights had as much muscle as 28-year-olds. Consistent mobilizing and stretching of our bodies also helps to reduce the effects of aging on joints and muscles.
• Sleep – Sleep acts as a true fountain of youth for our bodies by providing a pathway for our bodies to repair and rejuvenate itself. People who get a good night’s sleep report feeling more alert, energetic, happier, and better able to function. Research shows that sleep plays a critical role in our immune system, metabolism, muscle growth, tissue repair, memory, learning, and growth hormones. It clears away all of the harmful by-products of the cells’ activities that are produced while we are awake. Sleep is so important to our functioning, that animals who are entirely deprived of it lose all immune function and die in just a matter of weeks.
• Form Connections – Positive social connections with other people and a belief in a higher power have been shown to improve physical health and mental and emotional well-being. One landmark study published by Science Magazine showed that lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. Strong social connections were shown to strengthen our immune systems, help us to recover faster from disease and increase our longevity. People who feel more connected to others have lower levels of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, and greater empathy for others.
• Minimize Environmental Toxins – Prolonged exposure to harsh environmental toxins like smoke, pollution, direct sunlight and loud noise can damage and prematurely age our bodies. Without protection from the sun’s rays, daily exposure can cause noticeable changes and damage to the skin and facial wrinkles start forming on the faces of smokers as young as 20.

We have all been given a map that shows us how to maximize our longevity and stay feeling young and healthy for as long as possible. So why is it that so many of us, myself included, have such a hard time changing our lifestyles to adopt these healthy lifestyle habits?

We know what we should do to maintain our health but our human nature gets in the way, making it difficult for us to sacrifice those momentary un-healthy pleasures that tempt us every day for the promise of benefits that we hope to see sometime in the future.

Most people tend to choose the path of least resistance. It is difficult for many people to limit calories and maintain a healthy body weight; it is unpleasant to eliminate unhealthy foods that you love and replace them with healthy foods you do not enjoy; it is painful to motivate yourself to exercise when you feel tired; it takes discipline to shut off today’s 24/7 news and entertainment options so that we do not shortchange our sleep cycles; it takes commitment to cultivate and nourish our social networks; and it is almost humanly impossible to overcome chemical addictions that become rooted in us.

All of those things are hard so it is no wonder that many of us are like Lord Henry Wotten, who strongly desires the youthful qualities he sees in Dorian, but is also unwilling to suffer any pains to his lifestyle habits or pleasures in order to achieve the gains he covets.

The challenge for all of us is to develop the strength to reject our instant gratification tendencies and to keep in mind the eventual long term rewards that we hope to accrue from today’s short term pains. It helps to think of the struggle we are in today as developing the strength we need to have a better tomorrow. As Coco Chanel once remarked, “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; but it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.”

I do not fear death because I see both birth and death as good things. Death frees up the planet’s limited resources to make room for the next generation and drives us to live purpose-driven lives. But I am apprehensive of a future in which I gradually deteriorate as I age because of sickness, feebleness, pain and cognitive decline. I imagine that living life with those age-related conditions would cause my life to lose much of its flavor.

My goal is to stay healthy and active up until the day I die. I know that is probably unrealistic but at least it is a goal that keeps me motivated to put up with the pains that come with pursuing healthy lifestyle habits.

Even though I often fail by making unhealthy lifestyle choices, I do not give up trying to achieve my goal. Because doing something is better than doing nothing and winning some of the time is better than giving up altogether.

The surprising thing I have found is that the more I try, the easier it gets. I actually feel better when I eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep and connect with friends and family. The effort to live healthy doesn’t have to make us miserable – it can pay dividends that make us happy both in the short and the long term.

So, unlike Dorian Gray, I hope the picture of your journey shows a full life that is well-lived; and may you be healthy and happy until the day you die.

Memorable and Admirable

In an attempt to make more meaningful the days I have left, I have started a practice that I call Memorable & Admirable. It is a pretty simple practice; when I turn in for the evening, I lie in bed and think back over my day and I ask myself two questions:

• Did I do anything today that was memorable?
• Did I do anything today that was admirable?

On a good day I can usually single out one or two events that happened during the course of my day that I considered to be memorable and/or admirable.

But on many nights I do struggle to identify even a single memorable or admirable event that occurred during the course of my day. On those nights, I regret the day’s lost opportunities and find myself making resolutions to do a better job tomorrow.

All of us live with unforgettable memories; our first kiss, our graduation from college, our first job, our wedding day, the birth of our first child and grandchild. Those once-in-a-lifetime events have a powerful emotional impact on us because they enrich our life, bond us to others and help to define who we are.

Those big moments occur so rarely that they become burned into our memories. Research shows that most older people, when they look back on their lives, recall most of their big memories happening between the ages of 15 and 30 – a very narrow window that comprises less than 20% of the average lifespan. 

Is it because our memory is sharper when we are younger? No. It’s because most of us settle into a routine by our 30’s and life begins to lose its zest. I am typical I suppose, being in my 60’s, and finding it difficult to recall many memorable life events that occurred in my late 30’s.

It is easy to get trapped into a routine where habit begins to take over our lives. One day follows another, one month rolls into the next, we get lazy following comfortable patterns – and then before you know it, the calendar rolls over to a new year and we find ourselves wondering where the time went. The months and years begin to blur together because nothing new and shiny happens in our life.

I have learned that if you want to slow down time, you have to work at creating memories – you cannot leave it to chance. Chip Heath, a professor at Stanford Graduate School of Business, and co-author of the book The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact provides suggestions on how people can inject novelty into their life and create experiences that become both memorable and meaningful.

Stimulate the Senses

Engaging our senses can make moments stand out more intensely. This is why concerts, museums and great meals stick in our memories and why sitting on the couch is so forgettable.

I remember, as if it was yesterday, standing 5 feet from the stage watching Bob Dylan play the piano and sing his Gospel song “Pressing On” in a small Worcester Auditorium when I was just 21 years old; and 36 years later listening to the wall of inspired sound created by Neil Young & Crazy Horse as they rocked a packed Boston concert audience.

I also have lasting memories from my youth of tasting fresh rhubarb, carrots and tomatoes right out of the garden; and when I was much older, of eating scorpions, chicken feet, drunken prawns, pepper crab and Schweinsbraten during my frequent international business trips.

When our bodies are stimulated by our faculties of sight, smell, hearing, taste, or touch – our brains work overtime to record the experience.

Raise the Stakes

Memories are more readily made when we participate in activities where we have something to gain or lose. Competing in a sporting event is more exciting than watching one and betting on a sporting event makes watching it more entertaining.

I remember tension-filled Dart tournaments where my performance made the difference between my team winning or losing the league trophy; as well as pleasant days spent at the race track with my father, studying the racing program and being thrilled when the dog I picked won their race.

And of course, there are the trunk full of memories I have from the family’s annual pressure-packed Pitch tournaments – the winners of which are crowned the reigning Pitch King & Queen with their names enshrined on the tournament jersey entitling them to bragging rights throughout the year. Every year the family has fun reminiscing about the exploits of past card tournaments.

When the stakes are raised, people pay attention.

Break the Script

In order to get past the routine autopilot of our day to day lives, we have to do something that will break the script. When we do something different we defy expectations and surprise people.

Chip Heath, in his book, described how Southwest Airlines broke the script when they changed the wording of their flight safety announcement. One of the lines they added was:

If you should get to use the life vest in a real-life situation, the vest is yours to keep.

People loved it and it got the typically distracted passengers to break off whatever they were doing and listen more closely to the safety announcement. Southwest reported that those who heard the new messages actually flew more, resulting in an extra $140 million per year in revenue for the company.

Breaking the script can produce delightful moments.

One such delightful moment in my life occurred because I happened to invite my wife to go trout fishing with my Dad and I. We had been fishing buddies for more than 40 years and we had a well-worn routine consisting of which separate stretches of the river we would fish and what we would pack for lunch (usually peanut butter crackers and a beer).

We broke the script by adding my wife to the mix. Her addition encouraged us to all fish together and when it came time for lunch she surprised us with a gourmet picnic comprised of cheese and crackers, shrimp, lobster sandwiches and wine. I’ll never forget my Dad’s eyes twinkling with mirth and bemusement as we sat on the blanket sipping our wine next to the singing river.

Celebrate Milestones

The best way to commemorate achievements is to celebrate them – especially with the people you like most. Research shows that our accomplishments take on increased meaning when we take the time to appreciate what we’ve accomplished.

So do something to celebrate those birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions, retirements, etc. Don’t save the celebration for big events only.

Celebrating a silly milestones can be an effective way to “break the script” so that an event becomes even more memorable. My friend, who is a New York Yankees fan, used to have a 1918 party every year celebrating the last time the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series (fortunately he had to stop hosting that party in 2004).

For good measure, we can also set goals for ourselves that will lead to milestones we can celebrate at some point in the future. Doing that motivates us to achieve our goals and it leads to moments of pride that we will be able to celebrate in the future.

Overcoming Adversity

Why do armies put their recruits through high ordeal boot camp training and why do fraternities subject their pledges to harsh hazing? It is because struggling strengthens the bonds between people and experiencing adversity forms strong memory attachments in the brain.

I have vivid memories of all the crazy and senseless things I was asked to do when I pledged my college fraternity more than 42 years ago, but I have kept in contact with my fraternity “brothers” throughout all those years and we have fun reminiscing fondly about those youthful days.

For many years I was a volunteer member of a prison ministry team. We would spend exhausting 3-Day weekends conducting spiritual retreats inside Massachusetts, New York and New Hampshire State Prison facilities.

It was hard work and the preparation was very time consuming, but some of the most spiritual moments of my life came while witnessing the prisoners and my ministry teammates share their faith stories over the course of the retreat.

So adversity can be a blessing if you want to create lasting memories – especially if you go through it with somebody else. You will be surprised how often you will look back fondly on times that you worked to help others fulfill their dreams – even though it seemed like a chore at the time.

Build Moments of Connection

For most people, it’s relationships with the people we love that brings us the most happiness. Vacations, reunions and holidays are ideal times to create moments of connection that will deepen our relationships with others.

To celebrate my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary in 2008 my siblings rented a beautiful Lake House and the whole family spent the week celebrating the love my parents had for each other and the loving sacrifices they made to raise 8 children.

Each of their children read a heartfelt letter honoring them and thanking them for all the happy memories and life lessons we learned from them while growing up.

The week spent together was magical; filled with fishing, peaceful boat rides, lobster and clam bakes, competitive kickball and card games, marriage renewal vows and joyous dancing. We formed a deep connection with one another during that week and it resulted in a lifetime of memories.

Moments of connection can be built on a large scale, like that Anniversary party or on a much smaller, but still meaningful scale. One such meaningful connection for me was when my teenage daughter was given a school assignment to bake a loaf of bread.

I was happy when she asked me to assist her with the project because it gave me an opportunity to spend meaningful time with her and to bond doing something together (plus I learned how to bake bread!).

Finally, you can build connections with others even if you don’t really know them. My wife, who works for a Hospice agency, told me about the time Bill Atkinson, a member of the NH Police Association Pipes and Drums and a Captain with Nashua Fire Rescue, came to the Community Hospice House and stood outside the facility playing a bagpipe concert for the patients and staff. The music could be heard from all four corners of the house – and you can bet that the staff and those residents facing life’s end were bonded in a holy moment of spiritual connection.

Admirable moments can also be memorable moments but not necessarily – and I think that is how it should be in most cases. We should do admirable things because it helps to make the world a better place – not because we are trying to create memories.

When I take inventory of my day, asking myself if I did anything that was admirable, my mind searches for moments when I went out of my way to do something that was unselfish, considered someone else’s needs rather than my own or made sacrifices to better myself or others.

Participating in these moments of introspection has led me to wonder about which character traits society as a whole should consider admirable. The ones that come most often to my mind are:

• Honesty & Integrity – Try my best to be honest with myself and others. Be true to my word. Take ownership of my faults and failings.
• Humility & Modesty –  Remember that life is fragile and my time on earth is brief. In the vast scheme of things I am just a simple, insignificant person. Don’t brag about my accomplishments – act more, talk less.
• Compassion – Imagine yourself in the other’s person’s shoes. Treat others the way you would like yourself to be treated.
• Discipline & Hard Work – Good things come to those who are disciplined and willing to work hard. Fight the urge for instant gratification by pursuing long term satisfaction.
• Courage – When we face trouble and problems in our life, it is natural to look for an easy way out. A person with courage tackles adversity head-on, not shrinking from the hard road, no matter where it leads.
• Leadership – It takes a special person to stand up and give direction to others. 
• Humor – Don’t take life too seriously – try to laugh at yourself and the things around you once in a while.

Each of us may have a different list of qualities that we consider admirable, that is OK and that is what contributes to making different people so interesting. The point is that it is important for all of us to subscribe to a set of admirable ethics and to look for opportunities to practice them every day.

So good luck creating memories and practicing admirable acts in your life. I hope you will find that you also benefit from the happy side-effect I started experiencing when I began concentrating on my days memorable and admirable events at bedtime: Peaceful Dreams!

“Why can’t I find my words?”

An ailing 93 year old man struggling with terminal health issues was recently talking with my wife about his care preferences and how he would like to spend his remaining days.

The man was a highly-respected member of his community as well as the dignified face of a successful family business whose duties often required him to interact with people during times of great stress in their life. He seemed to have a gift for knowing what to say to people when they needed a kind word or affirmation.

While struggling to explain his wishes for his end of life care, he paused in frustration and said “Why can’t I find my words?“; then in resignation he simply acknowledged “I can feel death coming for me“.

It is sad to see a man who always knew just what to say to suddenly find himself bereft of the one gift he felt he could always count on. Here he was, a lover of language, eloquent no more and unable to transform the thoughts in his mind to words on his lips.

It is only natural that he would become discouraged by his loss of language skills, but his simple statement questioning why he can no longer find his words was profound in itself and carries a lesson that we should all consider.

For me it is a reminder of the importance of having meaningful conversations with the ones we love while we still have our full faculties and can still find the words that express what we want to say. I hope that man did not die with regrets because of words he left unsaid.

As far back as I can remember I have been a lover of language, books and reading. That is probably the reason why I have such a deep connection to the poetic nature of Bob Dylan’s music and why the blog I have been writing since 2013 is called “Words to Live By“.

It has been gratifying for me to see that my two intelligent daughters have also inherited a joyful connection to language and history and to watch them as they pursue rewarding careers that benefit from the skillful way they use their words.

Those skills were on display in these heartwarming excerpts from a sixtieth birthday letter they wrote to me.

I inherited a lot of what makes me myself from you . My cowlick, my reflective manner, my intelligence; with language, ability to think critically, tendency to reflect on what’s important in life, love of music and even the disappointed face I show my children when they’ve misbehaved. I am so grateful.

After Mom’s death, we both did a great deal of growing on our own and figuring out our new places in the world. I am so lucky you gave me the space to explore the world on my own and yet you were still there to catch me every time I made a not so great decision. You supported me every step of the way even if you didn’t understand where I was coming from, and you still do to this day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultimately, it was language that always connected us. It’s no surprise to me that your blog posts are prompted by quotes and phrases that inspire you, but it’s ironic because your own words have always been the ones I’ve lived by. From the time I was old enough to read, you’ve written in my birthday cards, “remember who you are”. Little did you know how important the concepts of memory and identity would become in my life, or that my career would be centered on them.

I can’t tell you how many times throughout our relationship I was terrified to tell you about a new life development or decision I made — thinking, surely, THIS will be the thing that pushes my peace-loving and tolerant father over the edge — only to be met by a sweet and reassuring phrase like, “You don’t have to live your life the way that I did — live your life for you.” Or a well timed reference like, “Bob Dylan says this is America. You can be whoever you want to be”.

Letter excerpts from my daughters

It means the world to me that they took time out of their busy lives to “find their words” and communicate them to me so tenderly. So often we look back over our life with regret, second-guessing our actions and wondering if we should have done some things differently. To hear directly from the people we love that overall they think we did a good job is a priceless gift.

The lesson I take from this dying man is that while I still have power over my words, I should use them to nourish all the important relationships in my life – before it is too late. Finding the right words to say about someone who was, or is, meaningful in your life is like a superpower that you can use to enrich somebody else’s life for the better.

A powerful example of the great power and joy words can bring to life can be found between the covers of John Bartlett’s famous book of Familiar Quotations. My daughter gifted me a used copy of this reference book which I have found to be quite mind expanding.

I liken it to drinking from a fire hose of the world’s collected wisdom from the beginning of mankind’s recorded memory. Imagine the curated and condensed wisdom of the world’s best minds (including Solomon, Homer, Confucius, Sophocles, Plato, Cicero, Virgil, Dante, Chaucer, Cervantes, Shakespeare, Milton, Hugo, Dickens, Melville, Whitman, Dostoevsky, Dickinson, Twain, Kipling, Yeats, Proust, Frost and too many other to mention) – all packaged in a single 1100 page volume!

As much as this blog entry advocates for speaking out in a positive way, it was a quote by Publius in 35AD that I read in Familiar Quotations that reminded me that sometimes wisdom is best born in silence – especially when speaking out could hurt people:

“I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence“.

May you always know when it is time for you to speak up and when it is best to keep silent.