Sorry is a Sacrament

One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.

The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.

A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.

The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.

What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.

Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.

This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.

Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.

I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):

“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.

Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS

So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.

Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.

That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.

I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.

Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.

When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.

Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.

Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.

After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.

Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.

By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:

• It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
• It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
• It conveys remorse
• It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.

A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.

During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.

The Life of the Dead is Placed in the Heart of the Living

My uncle Rheo served in the Navy during World War II, but he died prior to the creation of the National Veteran Cemeteries which are funded by the Department of Veteran Affairs to honor the men and women who have honorably served the United States during the nations wars. He ended up being buried in a single plot at his local town cemetery.

Three of his brothers (Roger, Romeo and Andrew) also served in the military, but because they died at a later date they were provided a full military funeral and no-charge burial at a Massachusetts Veterans Cemetery. This never seemed fair to our extended family, so this summer we initiated a process to have my Uncle Rheo disinterred from his burial location and moved to the Veteran’s Cemetery – where he could be laid to rest in the presence of his brothers and among his fellow servicemen.

Having written before about the important role my Uncle Rheo had in my life, the family asked me if I would speak at his memorial ceremony. I have included a copy of my eulogy for this much loved man below – I hope all my readers were blessed to grow up with a similar loving presence in their lives.

A Celebration of Life: Rheo Gilbert Meunier (1923 – 1984)

Rheo Gilbert Meunier (1923 – 1984)

I’m honored to stand up here today to speak about my beloved Uncle Rheo. I was only 24 years old when he died in 1984 but I can honestly say that not a week has gone by in the 37 years since he passed away when I haven’t thought about him.

He was a giant of a man in so many ways – someone who was bigger than life, blessed with an infectious smile and that big Meunier heart. I can just picture him now, beaming down at us, happy to see everyone gathered here today and happy to be resting with his brothers.

It was my good fortune that my mother chose her big brother Rheo to be my Godfather. Rheo was one of those rare Godparents who took his role seriously. His relationship with me did not end after the baptism ceremony – it was only starting. He became an important part of my life and a model to me of Christian living, showing me by his words, actions and friendship what it meant to be a good man.

He packed a lot of living into his shortened life, growing up on a small family farm with his 5 brothers and two sisters during the hard days of the Great Depression. His formal education ended when he was 12, cut short so he could stay home to help his father run the farm. He grew into a strong, handsome and strapping young man from all his strenuous labor.

He was part of the Greatest Generation, enlisting in the Navy in 1942 when he was just 19 years old and serving four years fighting for his country during World War II; seeing action in the North Atlantic and doing tours patrolling the Suez Canal and the Russian coast.

When he returned from the war, he was able to land a good job working as an electrical lineman. He ended up working at the Municipal Light Company in Templeton for 36 years – rising through the ranks to the position of Foreman.

He was a victim of a freak accident while working on the job early in his career. He was strapped high on a telephone pole trying to repair a downed wire when the pole snapped in half crashing to the ground with Rheo still attached.

It was a testament to his strength and determination that he managed to survive that tragic event. He slowly recovered his strength and regained much of his athleticism – however he did suffer some permanent internal damage to his body that would bother him throughout his life.

But it was not in his nature to complain about his bad luck or to let unfortunate circumstances dampen his spirits. He was a glass half-full kind of guy; someone who always saw the sunny side of life. Despite his situation we always saw him smiling, laughing, energetic and full of life.

He was a man of action with plenty of money to buy toys like convertible sport cars, motorcycles, cabin cruiser boats and snowmobiles; and to take skiing vacations in the Swiss Alps, scuba diving excursions in Hawaii, fishing expeditions to Cape Cod and river rafting & hiking adventures in Colorado.

Despite his James Bond lifestyle that we envied so much he always had time to spend with his extended family. He made it a point to visit with each of his seven siblings every few weeks just to stay in touch with their lives and to show interest in the activities of his 34 nephews and nieces.

I always thought it was a shame he didn’t have a family of his own, but as I look back on it now, I realize he actually had the biggest family of us all. He often said that he loved his nephews and nieces so much, he didn’t feel the need to have children of his own.

And his nephews and nieces adored him too. Looking forward to his visits when he would tell them interesting stories about his exotic travels, share with them his talent for yodeling or take them on exciting adventures and outings.

He would also generously volunteer to lend a hand whenever friends or family needed help. I remember him coming to our house one day when I was a young boy to help install electrical wiring at our house.

I shadowed him while he went about his work and while he patiently explained to me what he was doing and showing me all the tools he was using and how they worked. I was fascinated and think the experience kindled in me my interest in electricity and electronics which later led to my career as an engineer.

When his father passed away, Rheo became the primary caretaker of his mother. Rheo agreed to live with her, support her and take care of her so that she could continue to stay in the home she so loved.

In his 60th year he suffered a tragic series of events that contributed to his death from a sudden and massive heart attack. The first event occurred near Christmas in 1983. While he was out working late at night helping to restore power outages in the town, his Mother accidentally started a fire while trying to cook a ham for the family holiday dinner. His mother perished while trying to put out the fire and Rheo lost his mother, his home and most of his earthly possessions that night.

Then, in the space of two months’ time, Rheo’s brother-in-law passed away, his best friend lost his business to a fire and the Camp he owned was destroyed. The stress and grief were too much for his heart to take and led to his fatal heart attack in March of 1984.

The packed Church and military honors bestowed on him at his funeral showed how he was loved and respected by his community and family. I was honored to be one of the pallbearers selected to carry his casket; along with seven of his other beloved nephews.

Although he was a religious man and regularly attended Sunday Services at his local church, he never lectured me about religion or preached to me about God. I did learn, however, so much about morality from what I saw him do.

Whenever he saw me, he would make it a point to sit with me, look into my eyes and take a genuine interest in learning about what was happening in my life. On my birthdays he would give me a card and some money or a cool gift; on Easter he would give me my own chocolate bunny to enjoy; for my 1^st Communion he gave me a Savings Bond.

Beyond that, he would go out of his way to spend time with me during the year. Rides in his convertible car with the top down to get ice cream, snowmobile rides through his snowy woods and ocean fishing trips in his cabin cruiser boat. He was a perfect role model for a young boy growing up and learning about the world

And not just me! The funny thing is that, at the time, I thought I was special, but listening to everybody’s remembrances of Rheo after he was gone made me realize that he did these kinds of things for everybody – he had that quality that made everyone feel special!

Even in death, his generous spirit was still being revealed as he left money in his will for all of his brothers and sisters. My parents were grateful that they were able to invest the inheritance they received from him to help them in their later years.

One of the most precious gifts I ever received was Rheo’s gold Swiss watch – which my mother was able to obtain and give to me after he passed away. I treasured that watch for many years and would always wear it on special occasions and think of him.

I decided to give this watch as a gift to my sister Linda’s son Rheo (who was named after his Great Uncle) when he celebrated his sacrament of Confirmation because I could see in him a glimmer of the same spirit that drove his namesake great uncle.

Emily Dickinson, the writer, once wrote the words: “Of our greatest acts we are ignorant” to a friend of hers who was unaware that his interest and encouragement in her work had saved her life.  I don’t think my Uncle Rheo ever thought he was doing any great acts for me and he was probably unaware of the positive impact he had on my life.

I regret that because of his sudden death I never got the opportunity to tell him about the great acts he did for me, how important he was in my life and how grateful I was for all that I had learned from him.

I guess it is a lesson for us all to take the time while we still can to tell the people we love how much they mean to us and; like Rheo, to be a similar loving presence touching the lives of the people in our life in a positive way.

There is a saying that the life of the dead is placed in the heart of the living and I like to think that Rheo is still with us in a way. I see glimpses of him in the wide Meunier clan. A little bit of him lives on in each one of us who knew him; and through us, I think a little bit of him has also been passed on to the next generation too.

So, let’s celebrate the memory of Rheo Meunier, for his well lived life, for the loving spirit he brought to the world and for all the good deeds he did. Today we remember and honor his legacy as we welcome him to his final resting place.

A Prayer of Benediction for Rheo Meunier

Eternal God and Father, we praise you that you have made people to share life together and to reflect your glory in the world. We thank you especially now for our beloved brother, uncle and friend; Rheo Meunier whom we come here to remember today, for all that we saw in him of your goodness and love during his life and for all that he has meant to us.

Grant, O Lord that Rheo may sleep in eternal peace here in his new resting place. May it be a place of solace, of peaceful rest and glorious light. May he see your face and know the splendor of God and may his soul live in unending fellowship with you.

We ask this through Christ our Lord, Amen

Feeling Like a Stranger Nobody Sees

Bob Dylan recently celebrated his 80th birthday by releasing a film noir streaming art movie of him singing songs from his early career. The movie was filmed entirely in black & white and was appropriately named Shadow Kingdom because throughout the film dark shadows obscure the musicians and most of the surroundings.

Screenshot from Bob Dylan’s Shadow Kingdom Film

The set reminded me of something right out of an old twilight zone episode, a 1940’s style dark and smoky nightclub where the dozen or so people in the barroom sit at tables with their drinks and cigarettes, or mingle out on the dance floor slowly grooving to the music of Bob’s four piece band.

I realized while watching that Bob was clearly the oldest person in the film – there doesn’t appear to be a person in the band or in the audience who is older than 40 – most appear to be in their 20’s and 30’s. I’m not sure if it was his intention, but it would not surprise me to learn that Bob specifically wanted to surround himself with young people. After all, he is the man who wrote Forever Young and the one who made famous the observation that “He not busy being born is busy dying“.

For Bob it seems as if age is not a number but an attitude, and throughout his career he has refused to become a nostalgia act or to live on his past glories. Instead he has continuously changed and reinvented himself; and along the way he has succeeded in making music that is relevant and appealing to every generation. One look at the mix of young and old faces at his concerts demonstrates his ability to speak to all ages.

Which is difficult to do because in today’s society the elderly are often overlooked by the young. As people get older, they often get the feeling that they are being ignored and that they are becoming invisible within their communities. A couple lyrics from Bob Dylan’s later songs indicate that even someone as famous as him is not immune from this feeling.

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees

Lyrics from song Mississippi by Bob Dylan

I see people in the park forgetting their troubles and woes
They’re drinking and dancing, wearing bright-colored clothes
All the young men with their young women looking so good
Well, I’d trade places with any of them
In a minute, if I could

Lyrics from song Highlands by Bob Dylan

In these lyrics, Bob ponders the predicament which many old people find themselves in. Just when they should start feeling fortunate for reaching their seventh or eighth decade of life, their bodies become old and frail and they find themselves becoming unvalued outsiders. It seems as if the world speeds up and they just become spectators to life happening around them.

Strangers who once smiled and acknowledged them as they walked past begin passing by without even a glance. They become self-conscious about their appearance and failing senses and withdraw further into isolation, sadly contributing towards their own “invisibility”.

The author Helen Garner, in her 2015 essay The Insults of Age, writes that women especially have always had an acute awareness of growing old. Her essay explores all the cruel ways in which getting older means being erased from a culture that equates youth and beauty with value. “Your face is lined, and your hair is grey, so they think you are weak, deaf, helpless, ignorant and stupid. It is assumed that you have no opinions and no standards of behavior and that nothing that happens in your vicinity is any of your business.”

My father as he got older suffered from COPD (which made it a struggle for him to breathe) and hearing decline (which made it hard for him to follow group conversations). Despite this, he was beloved by his eight children for his wisdom, good nature, and the code of honor with which he lived his life.

But I remember my mother telling me about an incident that occurred that was very hurtful to my father when he was older. There were a group of people sitting around the table having a discussion about a specific topic. My father ventured to offer his opinion on the subject when one of the young people interrupted and told him that “Nobody really cares what you think“.

Those words were a shock for my father to hear. He was a man of integrity who was used to being treated with respect and dignity throughout his life and whose opinion was always highly valued. To bluntly be told that nobody cared what he thought was like a slap in the face. With incidences like this happening to the elderly is it any wonder why they become confused and retreat into isolation?

There was a time in the past when the elderly were revered, cared for, and sought out for their wisdom. It seems that today they are instead viewed as a burden and out of touch with the way the world operates. There is a generation of people that are overlooked every day.

Age should not define a person or diminish respect from others. According to the American Psychological Association, people who do not feel connected are at increased risk of depression, dementia, and poor self-esteem – all factors that can affect physical and mental health and overall life satisfaction.

And this problem between the generations is only likely to get worse as aging adults shuffle themselves off into sterile retirement communities that bill themselves as “God’s Waiting Room” while young adults flock to the vibrancy and vitality of urban cities. Both sides lose in this segregation of the generations as it becomes difficult for the young to imagine what their life might look like when they are older and the old forget what it is like to see the world for the first time through new eyes.

In a society that idolizes youth and youth culture, it can be difficult to understand and address the challenges older adults face. Changing society’s perception of the elderly is beyond me, but I can try to go out of my way to fully engage with the older adults I encounter in my day-to-day activities – to show them that I see them and that they are not invisible!

If each of us made a small effort to be friendly with the older adults we encounter, to listen to what they have to say and to treat them with dignity, then we would all be richer for the experience. Old folks have a lifetime of experiences to share and many interesting stories to tell – if we only give them the chance.

Perhaps there is a selfish motivation behind my efforts to fight the stigma of aging. After all, pretty soon I will be considered an old timer (my ten year old grandson already calls me an oldster); and I hope people will still see me and treat me with dignity as my body runs down. Invisibility is a good Superpower to have in the movies but, I imagine it must get pretty lonely in real life when nobody ever really sees you.

“The sweetest woman in the world can be the meanest woman in the world – if you make her that way”

Anyone who has lived long enough can most likely tell you about painful encounters they have observed among friends, family or acquaintances who have suffered through an ugly divorce or breakup.

Breakup events are numerous as statistics show that 40% of the couples who get married in the United States will end up divorced at some point. The percentage of breakups for non-married couples is even greater.

It is rare when relationships end amicably and most people can recall stories from their own life – or from newspapers, books, movies and television – about the sad personal attacks and nasty character assassinations that usually arise when two people who once loved each another suddenly turn from allies to enemies.

This verse from a Pretenders song “It’s a Thin Line between Love & Hate” made me think of the puzzling metamorphosis that takes place in relationships as love eventually turns into hate:

 “The sweetest woman in the world can be the meanest woman in the world if you make her that way”

The paradoxical sentiment of that line resonated with me because it acknowledged the significant role couples have in the health and well-being of their partner.

It puzzles me when someone feels like it necessary to publicly put down and disparage their ex-spouse or partner; and when I witness it happening I always wonder if the person realizes that it often reflects just as poorly on them as it does on their partner.

One of the basic rules of civil society is not to talk poorly about other people in public, especially behind their back. Besides that, there is another dynamic in play that occurs when spouses or partners start verbally describing all the ways that their ex is a terrible human being.

When I hear an injured partner recite a litany of sins committed against them I begin to wonder what changed and what role each had in the demise of the relationship. You have to believe that at one point in life the injured person thought their partner was sweet and caring and someone worthy and wonderful. What could have happened along the way to turn the sweetest person in the world into the meanest person in the world?

The lyrics from this song hint that the actions of each person in a relationship can have a great influence on how their partner behaves. So when a partner complains about the mean behavior of their ex, they would do well to examine how their actions may have contributed to this behavior. It is important for couples to realize that the things they do and fail to do every day are partly responsible for the health of their relationship and those actions can either strengthen or weaken it.

We affect the health of a relationship every day by what we say and do and how we treat our partner. Our actions serve to strengthen the relationship when we are attentive to our spouse, when we comfort them when they are discouraged, when we offer to help when they are tired, when we lend a sympathetic ear when they have had a bad day, when we show appreciation for the things they do, take interest in the things that are important to them and treat them with respect and dignity.

Unfortunately, quite often we take actions that serve to weaken our relationship with our partners. We stop communicating with them, we ignore their feelings and the things that are important to them, we concentrate on fulfilling our own goals at the expense of our partner, we point out faults and complain about the ways our partner disappoints us and we treat them with disrespect or even contempt.

I read once that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I think there is some truth to that. Love and hate are similar in that they are both extreme emotions driven by very strong feelings. Indifference on the other hand is exhibited by a lack of caring and emotions and it is this pernicious lack of caring I think that is the beginning of the end for many relationships.

When people decide to stop caring, they in essence give up on the relationship and they start acting independently in ways that alienate and hurt their spouse – whether they intend to or not.

This is common when a love relationship is initially based on self-centered interests instead of self-giving desires. Too many relationships come with specific strings attached (an unspoken understanding that my love for you is conditional based on you satisfying my self-centered interests). When a partner fails to meet those conditions, the conditional love relationship is broken and the partners feel justified looking elsewhere for someone or something else that will satisfy them.

The relationships that seem to last are those based on a more mature unconditional kind of love. In these relationships, each of the partners look first to the well-being of their partner and are willing to sublimate their self-indulgent tendencies to achieve a strong and successful bond.

The best relationship advice I ever received was given during a church homily on the subject of marriage. The priest said that the first thing a husband and wife should do when they wake up in the morning is to ask themselves; “What does my spouse need from me today?“.

He explained that if both spouses asked themselves that question, they were sure to build a long and successful relationship because each spouse would then be actively focused not on themselves, but on the unconditional well-being of their spouse.

I have tried to follow that advice – even though I am still too often guilty of selfish and self-centered behavior when it comes to having my needs met. But I try every day to be a supportive husband and I take solace believing that there is a corollary to the Pretenders song verse that partners can help make come true for each other.

 “The meanest woman in the world can be the sweetest woman in the world if you make her that way”

“The harder the life, the finer the person”

Wilfred Thesinger was a British explorer, photographer and travel writer who wrote several books in the 1950’s and 60’s about his experience living with the desert peoples of Arabia. He was once interviewed by the famous naturalist David Attenborough, who asked him if he thought the hardship and suffering of the desert peoples instilled in them a sense of nobility.

Thesiger responded:

“I think the harder the life, the finer the person, yes, and I certainly felt this way about the Bedu [desert peoples]. When I went there, I felt that the difficulty was going to be living up physically to the hardships of their life. But, on the contrary, it was the difficulty of meeting their high standards: their generosity, their patience, their loyalty, their courage and all these things. And they had a quality of nobility. In the desert I found a freedom unattainable in civilization; a life unhampered by possessions’…. I shall always remember how I was humbled by those illiterate herdsmen who possessed, in so much greater measure than I, generosity and courage, endurance, patience and lighthearted gallantry.”

Salim bin Ghabaisha, seated on a camel

Thesinger’s observation is something that I too have noticed during my life’s interactions with other people. In general, it seems that those who come from humble beginnings and who suffer hardships while growing up, have the personal qualities that I have come to admire most – qualities of self-reliance, resilience, gratitude, empathy and humility.

My mother’s parents were poor immigrant farmers who moved from Canada to the United States in the early 1900’s. She was the seventh of eight children and she had to quit school after the 8th grade so that she could help out with the farm work. I remember her telling stories about hard times when her Mother would not eat because there wasn’t enough food to go around and how they would dig through the winter snow under the Apple trees to see if there might be some frozen apples left on the ground that they could eat.

Yet my mother became a remarkable woman with a big heart that was full of life, love, and intelligence. I often wonder how far she would have gone and how different her life would have been if she were allowed to finish her education and capitalize on all her gifts. Like her mother, she too raised a family of eight children, experiencing hardship at times without complaint; instead thanking God every day for a loving husband, healthy children, food on the table and a roof over their heads.

I consider it a blessing that I came from this large lower middle-class family. My father had to work two jobs at times to make ends meet and so my mother could stay home with the kids. I worked from the time I was 10 in various part time jobs and learned from an early age the value of a work ethic and delayed gratification. I was content with the used clothes and toys that were handed down to me by my brothers and sisters.

I have the sense that children of privilege often grow up with qualities that are less admirable – qualities like arrogance, self-importance, selfishness, pride and feelings of entitlement. It must be a particularly difficult task for powerful and wealthy parents to raise happy and well-adjusted children and I give credit to wealthy parents like Bill and Melinda Gates, who came from humble beginnings, made it on their own, and have decided to leave their considerable fortune to their charitable foundation rather than their children.

Even though my upbringing was poor in material things, it was rich with love and affection. My parents treated each of their children with dignity and respect. Some children are not so fortunate and are raised under conditions where they are not loved, respected or treated with dignity. Instead they are treated like property whose lives the parents or caretakers can control and abuse as they see fit. Being raised under these conditions must be very difficult and I wonder how it is possible to overcome that type of hardship and turn into a fine person.

Many do not overcome it – but a remarkable few somehow find a way to use their negative childhood experiences as a catalyst for building a positive new life. There are precious people in my life who were physically and verbally abused as children and were raised in a controlling environment that did not nourish their individuality or self-esteem. Yet somehow, through the grace of God, they escaped their family dysfunction and developed into generous, loving, supportive, and kind people.

When I ask them how they managed such a miraculous feat they tell me about a grandmother; or an aunt; or a sibling; or a teacher that was a light to them in the darkness of their life and who threw them a lifeline at those times when they needed it most. These good people helped them to understand that they could be better than their parents and instilled in them the determination to succeed despite their difficult childhood.

Reflecting on this makes me realize that each of us has opportunities in our life to be a beacon of light to someone going through hard times and we ought to be on the lookout for those going through hardship that need us to throw them a lifeline. If we all did that who knows how many more children could overcome their broken families and go on to lead successful lives.

So, if you have had a hard life, be grateful – that probably means you are a fine person. And if you have led a life of privilege, try to use whatever power and influence you have collected to make life a little better for those that are less fortunate. You just might, like Wilfred Helsiger, discover a freedom that is unobtainable when life is focused only on the self and material possessions.