Sorry is a Sacrament

One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.

The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.

A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.

The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.

What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.

Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.

This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.

Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.

I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):

“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.

Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS

So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.

Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.

That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.

I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.

Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.

When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.

Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.

Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.

After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.

Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.

By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:

• It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
• It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
• It conveys remorse
• It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.

A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.

During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.

The Dirt of Gossip Blows into my Face

Frank Sinatra was my Dad’s favorite singer and one of the most popular and influential musical artists of the 20th century, selling more than 150 million records during his long music career. His rise to fame began in the the 1940’s and lasted all the way into the 1990’s, when my Mom and Dad actually got to see him perform live on a concert stage in Worcester, MA.

Nostalgic memories of my Dad cheerfully crooning old Sinatra tunes led me to a Netflix documentary called Sinatra: All Or Nothing At All; which documents Frank’s 60 year career from its humble beginnings to his life as a music giant, touching on all the personal battles he struggled with along the way.

Francis Albert Sinatra was born in Hoboken New Jersey in 1915, the only child of Italian immigrants. His energetic and driven mother and his illiterate father were the proprietors of a tavern in Hoboken. Frank spent much of his time there after school working on his homework and singing along to the tunes on the bar’s player piano for spare change. He developed an interest in music at a young age, particularly big band jazz, and was especially influenced by the intimate easy listening vocal style of Bing Crosby.

Sinatra got his break fronting popular bandleaders Harry James and Tommy Dorsey and found success as a solo artist in 1941 when he began topping the male singer polls. His appeal to the teenage girls of that time revealed a whole new audience for popular music – which had been recorded mainly for adults up to that time. His popularity became officially known as “Sinatramania” and his bright blue eyes earned him the nickname “Ol’ Blue Eyes“.

Frank never learned how to read music, but he worked very hard to improve his singing abilities by working regularly with a vocal coach. He became known as a perfectionist, renowned for his dress sense and performing presence and insisting on recording all his songs in front of a live band.

Sinatra led a colorful personal life. He was often involved in turbulent affairs with women, had connections to Mafia bosses, and had several violent and well publicized confrontations with journalists and work bosses he felt had crossed him.

Despite the negative publicity, everyone recognized the important contributions Frank Sinatra made to society through his music. He was honored with America’s highest awards and was named by music critic Robert Christgau as “the greatest singer of the 20th century“. He died in 1998 but he remains to this day an iconic and popular figure.

In 1995 a birthday tribute, Sinatra: 80 Years My Way, was broadcast from Los Angeles featuring a star-studded cast of performers singing songs meant to honor the “Chairman of the Board“. I was surprised to learn that Bob Dylan, my favorite artist, was among the cast of performers who appeared on stage that night.

On the surface, it seems like Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan would be unlikely to have much in common. After all, they come from different generations and practiced totally different musical styles. Frank worked with a big band using his smooth velvet voice to interpret other people’s songs; while Dylan wrote and sung his own material employing his unique rough and weathered blues voice.

But the two artists had great respect for one another and if you dig deep into the life and careers of the two men it is not hard to understand why:

• Both men came from humble beginnings; Frank the son of blue collar workers and Tavern owners in Hoboken NJ and Bob the son of a Hibbing MN Appliance Store owner.
• Both were self-made men who dropped out of school to pursue their musical interests. Frank would sing for free on NY Radio stations and found jobs singing for cigarettes or his supper. Bob hitchhiked across the country singing at Folk Clubs and coffee shops for tips and crashing on friend’s couches in New York’s Greenwich Village.
• Both men had to learn how to cope with the fame and attention that comes with achieving sudden fame and popularity. Sinatra had to travel with bodyguards while Dylan learned to disguise himself in public and hide his family away from the hordes of fans who would show up at his doorstep at all hours of the day and night to ask him his opinions about politics and the meaning of life.
• Both men had a small circle of loyal friends who they trusted, both lived through a series of romantic relationships, and both were known to be moody for wanting to protect their privacy and do things their way.
• Both men spoke out against injustice. Frank publicly championed the rights of all people, regardless of race and set an example by the diverse group of people he associated with in his personal life. Bob wrote the great Civil Rights anthems of the 1960’s that encouraged passing of the landmark 1960’s Civil Rights laws.
• Both men managed to have successful musical careers for more than 60 years. One was simply referred to as “The Voice“; while the other was burdened by the press with the title of the “Voice of his Generation“.
• Both men were primarily responsible for what is known as “The Great American Songbook“. Frank’s iconic singing of the work of the great songwriters from the 1940 and 50’s led to the first Great American Songbook; while Bob Dylan’s original and poetic songs became classics and the key components of America’s second Great American Songbook.
• Both men were honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Congressional Gold Medal and Grammy Lifetime Achievement Awards. Both men were included in Time Magazine’s list of the 20th century’s 100 Most Influential People.

Even though the two men were not close, it is not surprising that they would each have admiration and respect for one another – simply because of the similarities between their life experiences. Dylan once told an amusing story about the first time he met Frank which indicates the two men knew they were made of stuff that was a cut above everyone else.

“We were standing on his patio at night when he took me aside and said, ‘You and me, pal, we got blue eyes, we’re from up there,’ and he pointed to the stars. ‘These other bums are from down here.’ I remember thinking that he might be right.”

Bob Dylan relating what Frank Sinatra said to him at their first meeting

While browsing Youtube, I was happy to stumble across this [video clip] of Bob Dylan singing his song “Restless Farewell” to Frank at his 1995 80th birthday television tribute. The lyrics for this poignant song are reprinted below:

Restless Farewell by Bob Dylan

Oh, all the money that in my whole life I did spend
Be it mine right or wrongfully
I let it slip gladly to my friends
To tie up the time most forcefully
But the bottles are done
We've killed each one
And the table's full and overflowed
And the corner sign says it's closing time
So I'll bid farewell and be down the road

Oh, ev'ry girl that ever I've touched
I did not do it harmfully
And ev'ry girl that ever I've hurt
I did not do it knowin'ly
But to remain as friends you need the time
To make amends and stay behind
And since my feet are now fast
And point away from the past
I'll bid farewell and be down the line

Oh, ev'ry foe that ever I faced
The cause was there before we came
And ev'ry cause that ever I fought
I fought it full without regret or shame
But the dark does die
As the curtain is drawn and somebody's eyes 
Must meet the dawn 
And if I see the day, I'd only have to stay
So I'll bid farewell in the night and be gone

Oh, ev'ry thought that's strung a knot in my mind
I might go insane if it couldn't be sprung
But it's not to stand naked under unknowin' eyes
It's for myself and my friends my stories are sung
But the time ain't tall
Yet on time you depend and no word is possessed by no special friend
And though the line is cut, it ain't quite the end
I'll just bid farewell till we meet again

Oh, a false clock tries to tick out my time
To disgrace, distract and bother me
And the dirt of gossip blows into my face
And the dust of rumors covers me
But if the arrow is straight
And the point is slick
It can pierce through dust no matter how thick
So I'll make my stand and remain as I am
And bid farewell and not give a damn

I can’t help thinking that Bob chose to sing this particular song as a farewell because it beautifully captures the independent spirit and steadfast nature of both Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan; two men who walked in the same shoes, trying to live life to the fullest and navigating the journey on their own terms.

I believe the song captures the essence of both men. Both men lived life generously, sharing their fortune with friends, family and worthy causes. Both men loved greatly and regret past hurts to companions that can’t be undone. Both men picked up the torch to fight battles to overcome injustice, battles that must now be picked up by others. Finally, both men remained true to themselves, refusing to be swayed by public opinion or what impact their actions would have on their popularity.

The last verse is especially striking to me. As Frank Sinatra is nearing the end of his life, does he feel bewildered and bothered by a false clock that is trying to tick out his time? Does he remember all the “dirt of gossip” that blew into his face through the years or think about the “dust of rumors” that seemed to always cover him? If he does, Bob advises Frank not to give a damn about it because Frank was always a straight arrow with a sharp point and “if the arrow is straight and the point is slick it can pierce through dust no matter how thick“.

Maybe the reason both men were able to bust through the dust and dirt that swirled around their life is because when they got up to sing they had a way of capturing the universal emotions of the human spirit in a way that always felt true.

Frank expressed this exact sentiment directly when he was asked about all the gossip and innuendo that always seemed to surround him. He said; “Whatever else has been said about me personally is unimportant. When I sing, I believe I’m honest.“

So, here’s to those two restless spirits, Frank Sinatra and Bob Dylan; may they live forever through their music and may their music continue to remind all of us “other bums” to bravely pursue our lives with authenticity and honesty.