If I could go back in time, one of the things I would tell my younger self is not to worry so much about what other people think about him or inflate the importance he thinks small events will have on his future.
Because sometimes, especially when we are young, we become our own worst enemies when we inhabit a distorted world where we imagine that everybody we see is judging our every move and we worry that people will gossip about us behind our backs (or worse embarrass us on social media!) if we happen to do something outside of culturally accepted norms.
These worries can be harmful if they cause us to withdraw and lead a cautious life. Instead of living in the moment and boldly taking on new and interesting challenges, we play it safe and stop taking chances because we are frightened how people will view us if we make a mistake.
We think that if we don’t make a good impression, then we will be ridiculed or ignored, forever limiting our opportunities to succeed in the future. Constantly worrying about what others think about us can lead to anxiety and even depression, but even worse, it prevents us from achieving our full potential.
What I would tell my younger self is that the truth is, in most cases, that other people are not thinking about you! They are too wrapped up thinking about themselves and their own life to waste time thinking about or remembering anything that we do (good or bad). I laugh when I look back now at all of the small things that seemed so big to me when I was young and I realize I assigned them way more importance in my mind than they deserved.
When I was in school, I remember being paralyzed with fear at the thought of public speaking . In Junior High, the Principle asked me to get up at an Assembly and introduce an act in front of the whole school. I practiced the introduction over and over and thought I had it memorized; but when the lights came up and I was facing the entire Assembly, I completely blanked, muttered something incomprehensible, and stumbled backstage.
I was mortified and walked around for the rest of the week with my eyes downcast, imagining that all my classmates were talking about me and my embarrassing performance. That episode left a mental scar that stayed with me throughout high school. I would have anxiety whenever I was asked to speak in front of an audience. My mind kept imagining another disaster – and even when I managed to get through a speaking assignment without a major mistake – my thoughts kept focusing on how I should have done better.
I didn’t start to feel comfortable speaking in public until I went to College and attended a Speech class that exposed me to methods for dealing with anxiety and the practice of focusing on positive outcomes rather than the fear of failing. That young boy who feared public speaking would never have believed that his older self would someday speak to an audience of hundreds at engineering conferences, participate as a Lector in his church community, happily officiate weddings for friends and family and deliver eulogies to honor the deceased.
I’m sure nobody but me thinks back to that moment in 1973 when I flubbed my speech in front of the school assembly; and my worst fears about being ridiculed by my classmates never happened. My friends joked with me saying they were glad the Principal hadn’t asked them to do the introduction and the rest of my classmates quickly forgot the incident as they were too occupied concentrating on all the events and drama happening in their own life.
That moment and other traumatic events in my life, like failing my first driving test or watching the Red Sox choke away the World Series to the New York Mets in 1986 have taught me an important life lesson that is best summarized by an expression coined by the great Charlie Chaplin:
“Nothing is forever in this world, even your problems”
Charlie Chaplin
Chaplin was no stranger to problems. His childhood in London was one of poverty and hardship, as his alcoholic father was absent and abusive and his mother was committed to a mental asylum when he was 14. He was sent to live in a workhouse twice before the age of nine. Reminiscing upon his childhood, Chaplin wrote “I was hardly aware of a crisis because we lived in a continual crisis; and, being a boy, I dismissed our troubles with gracious forgetfulness“.
Despite these less than ideal childhood circumstances, Chaplin managed to start performing in music halls and working as a stage actor and comedian, where he developed his Tramp persona. He was scouted by the film industry and moved to America where he began appearing in comedies starting in 1914. Within four years he became one of the best known figures in the world.
Troubles found their way into Chaplin’s life again in the 1940s when a number of controversies led to a rapid decline in his popularity. He was accused of communist sympathies, and some members of the press and public found his involvement in a paternity suit, and marriages to much younger women, scandalous. A politically motivated FBI investigation against him was opened by J. Edgar Hoover which forced Chaplin to leave the United States in disgrace and settle in Switzerland.
Chaplin eventually overcame these problems as well. He married the daughter of playwright Eugene O’Neil when he was 54 and lived happily with her and their 8 children until he died at the age of 88. During this time he was awarded honorary degrees from many prestigious universities and was finally invited back to America in 1972 when he was given a [12 minute standing ovation] at the Academy Awards for “the incalculable effect he has had in making motion pictures the art form of this century“. Charlie Chaplain continues to be held in high regard today, with his movies The Gold Rush, City Lights, Modern Times, and The Great Dictator often ranked on lists of the greatest films of all time.
I think about Charlie Chaplin’s wise observation that nothing lasts forever in this world when I encounter problems in my life that seem as if they are insurmountable. I try not to worry so much about what other people are thinking and remind myself that life will go on, problems will eventually fade, and other people’s opinions can not defeat me or define my future as long as I remain productive and engaged in positive pursuits. It gives me hope to believe that all suffering eventually ends.
There is one final point that is important for us all to consider; which is that just as troubles do not last forever, neither do the good times. This is an unfortunate corollary to Chaplin’s idea that often goes without saying. Sometimes we take the good times for granted and fail to fully appreciate our good fortune.
So, I hope that when things are going well in your life, you find time to slow down, live in the moment and acknowledge your blessings, because the good times become all the sweeter when you realize that they will not last.
Words to Live By... 
Leave a comment