Memorable and Admirable

In an attempt to make more meaningful the days I have left, I have started a practice that I call Memorable & Admirable. It is a pretty simple practice; when I turn in for the evening, I lie in bed and think back over my day and I ask myself two questions:

• Did I do anything today that was memorable?
• Did I do anything today that was admirable?

On a good day I can usually single out one or two events that happened during the course of my day that I considered to be memorable and/or admirable.

But on many nights I do struggle to identify even a single memorable or admirable event that occurred during the course of my day. On those nights, I regret the day’s lost opportunities and find myself making resolutions to do a better job tomorrow.

All of us live with unforgettable memories; our first kiss, our graduation from college, our first job, our wedding day, the birth of our first child and grandchild. Those once-in-a-lifetime events have a powerful emotional impact on us because they enrich our life, bond us to others and help to define who we are.

Those big moments occur so rarely that they become burned into our memories. Research shows that most older people, when they look back on their lives, recall most of their big memories happening between the ages of 15 and 30 – a very narrow window that comprises less than 20% of the average lifespan. 

Is it because our memory is sharper when we are younger? No. It’s because most of us settle into a routine by our 30’s and life begins to lose its zest. I am typical I suppose, being in my 60’s, and finding it difficult to recall many memorable life events that occurred in my late 30’s.

It is easy to get trapped into a routine where habit begins to take over our lives. One day follows another, one month rolls into the next, we get lazy following comfortable patterns – and then before you know it, the calendar rolls over to a new year and we find ourselves wondering where the time went. The months and years begin to blur together because nothing new and shiny happens in our life.

I have learned that if you want to slow down time, you have to work at creating memories – you cannot leave it to chance. Chip Heath, a professor at Stanford Graduate School of Business, and co-author of the book The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact provides suggestions on how people can inject novelty into their life and create experiences that become both memorable and meaningful.

Stimulate the Senses

Engaging our senses can make moments stand out more intensely. This is why concerts, museums and great meals stick in our memories and why sitting on the couch is so forgettable.

I remember, as if it was yesterday, standing 5 feet from the stage watching Bob Dylan play the piano and sing his Gospel song “Pressing On” in a small Worcester Auditorium when I was just 21 years old; and 36 years later listening to the wall of inspired sound created by Neil Young & Crazy Horse as they rocked a packed Boston concert audience.

I also have lasting memories from my youth of tasting fresh rhubarb, carrots and tomatoes right out of the garden; and when I was much older, of eating scorpions, chicken feet, drunken prawns, pepper crab and Schweinsbraten during my frequent international business trips.

When our bodies are stimulated by our faculties of sight, smell, hearing, taste, or touch – our brains work overtime to record the experience.

Raise the Stakes

Memories are more readily made when we participate in activities where we have something to gain or lose. Competing in a sporting event is more exciting than watching one and betting on a sporting event makes watching it more entertaining.

I remember tension-filled Dart tournaments where my performance made the difference between my team winning or losing the league trophy; as well as pleasant days spent at the race track with my father, studying the racing program and being thrilled when the dog I picked won their race.

And of course, there are the trunk full of memories I have from the family’s annual pressure-packed Pitch tournaments – the winners of which are crowned the reigning Pitch King & Queen with their names enshrined on the tournament jersey entitling them to bragging rights throughout the year. Every year the family has fun reminiscing about the exploits of past card tournaments.

When the stakes are raised, people pay attention.

Break the Script

In order to get past the routine autopilot of our day to day lives, we have to do something that will break the script. When we do something different we defy expectations and surprise people.

Chip Heath, in his book, described how Southwest Airlines broke the script when they changed the wording of their flight safety announcement. One of the lines they added was:

If you should get to use the life vest in a real-life situation, the vest is yours to keep.

People loved it and it got the typically distracted passengers to break off whatever they were doing and listen more closely to the safety announcement. Southwest reported that those who heard the new messages actually flew more, resulting in an extra $140 million per year in revenue for the company.

Breaking the script can produce delightful moments.

One such delightful moment in my life occurred because I happened to invite my wife to go trout fishing with my Dad and I. We had been fishing buddies for more than 40 years and we had a well-worn routine consisting of which separate stretches of the river we would fish and what we would pack for lunch (usually peanut butter crackers and a beer).

We broke the script by adding my wife to the mix. Her addition encouraged us to all fish together and when it came time for lunch she surprised us with a gourmet picnic comprised of cheese and crackers, shrimp, lobster sandwiches and wine. I’ll never forget my Dad’s eyes twinkling with mirth and bemusement as we sat on the blanket sipping our wine next to the singing river.

Celebrate Milestones

The best way to commemorate achievements is to celebrate them – especially with the people you like most. Research shows that our accomplishments take on increased meaning when we take the time to appreciate what we’ve accomplished.

So do something to celebrate those birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions, retirements, etc. Don’t save the celebration for big events only.

Celebrating a silly milestones can be an effective way to “break the script” so that an event becomes even more memorable. My friend, who is a New York Yankees fan, used to have a 1918 party every year celebrating the last time the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series (fortunately he had to stop hosting that party in 2004).

For good measure, we can also set goals for ourselves that will lead to milestones we can celebrate at some point in the future. Doing that motivates us to achieve our goals and it leads to moments of pride that we will be able to celebrate in the future.

Overcoming Adversity

Why do armies put their recruits through high ordeal boot camp training and why do fraternities subject their pledges to harsh hazing? It is because struggling strengthens the bonds between people and experiencing adversity forms strong memory attachments in the brain.

I have vivid memories of all the crazy and senseless things I was asked to do when I pledged my college fraternity more than 42 years ago, but I have kept in contact with my fraternity “brothers” throughout all those years and we have fun reminiscing fondly about those youthful days.

For many years I was a volunteer member of a prison ministry team. We would spend exhausting 3-Day weekends conducting spiritual retreats inside Massachusetts, New York and New Hampshire State Prison facilities.

It was hard work and the preparation was very time consuming, but some of the most spiritual moments of my life came while witnessing the prisoners and my ministry teammates share their faith stories over the course of the retreat.

So adversity can be a blessing if you want to create lasting memories – especially if you go through it with somebody else. You will be surprised how often you will look back fondly on times that you worked to help others fulfill their dreams – even though it seemed like a chore at the time.

Build Moments of Connection

For most people, it’s relationships with the people we love that brings us the most happiness. Vacations, reunions and holidays are ideal times to create moments of connection that will deepen our relationships with others.

To celebrate my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary in 2008 my siblings rented a beautiful Lake House and the whole family spent the week celebrating the love my parents had for each other and the loving sacrifices they made to raise 8 children.

Each of their children read a heartfelt letter honoring them and thanking them for all the happy memories and life lessons we learned from them while growing up.

The week spent together was magical; filled with fishing, peaceful boat rides, lobster and clam bakes, competitive kickball and card games, marriage renewal vows and joyous dancing. We formed a deep connection with one another during that week and it resulted in a lifetime of memories.

Moments of connection can be built on a large scale, like that Anniversary party or on a much smaller, but still meaningful scale. One such meaningful connection for me was when my teenage daughter was given a school assignment to bake a loaf of bread.

I was happy when she asked me to assist her with the project because it gave me an opportunity to spend meaningful time with her and to bond doing something together (plus I learned how to bake bread!).

Finally, you can build connections with others even if you don’t really know them. My wife, who works for a Hospice agency, told me about the time Bill Atkinson, a member of the NH Police Association Pipes and Drums and a Captain with Nashua Fire Rescue, came to the Community Hospice House and stood outside the facility playing a bagpipe concert for the patients and staff. The music could be heard from all four corners of the house – and you can bet that the staff and those residents facing life’s end were bonded in a holy moment of spiritual connection.

Admirable moments can also be memorable moments but not necessarily – and I think that is how it should be in most cases. We should do admirable things because it helps to make the world a better place – not because we are trying to create memories.

When I take inventory of my day, asking myself if I did anything that was admirable, my mind searches for moments when I went out of my way to do something that was unselfish, considered someone else’s needs rather than my own or made sacrifices to better myself or others.

Participating in these moments of introspection has led me to wonder about which character traits society as a whole should consider admirable. The ones that come most often to my mind are:

• Honesty & Integrity – Try my best to be honest with myself and others. Be true to my word. Take ownership of my faults and failings.
• Humility & Modesty –  Remember that life is fragile and my time on earth is brief. In the vast scheme of things I am just a simple, insignificant person. Don’t brag about my accomplishments – act more, talk less.
• Compassion – Imagine yourself in the other’s person’s shoes. Treat others the way you would like yourself to be treated.
• Discipline & Hard Work – Good things come to those who are disciplined and willing to work hard. Fight the urge for instant gratification by pursuing long term satisfaction.
• Courage – When we face trouble and problems in our life, it is natural to look for an easy way out. A person with courage tackles adversity head-on, not shrinking from the hard road, no matter where it leads.
• Leadership – It takes a special person to stand up and give direction to others. 
• Humor – Don’t take life too seriously – try to laugh at yourself and the things around you once in a while.

Each of us may have a different list of qualities that we consider admirable, that is OK and that is what contributes to making different people so interesting. The point is that it is important for all of us to subscribe to a set of admirable ethics and to look for opportunities to practice them every day.

So good luck creating memories and practicing admirable acts in your life. I hope you will find that you also benefit from the happy side-effect I started experiencing when I began concentrating on my days memorable and admirable events at bedtime: Peaceful Dreams!