One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.
The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.
A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.
Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.
The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.
What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.
Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.
This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.
Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.
I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):
“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.
Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS
So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.
Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.
That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.
I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.
Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.
When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.
Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.
Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.
After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.
Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.
By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:
It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
It conveys remorse
It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate
During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.
A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.
During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.
One of the things I enjoy about my blogging hobby is that it leads me to discover authors who are writing thoughtful blogs on interesting subjects. I recently came across one such blog entry written by Maria Popova who was reviewing a book by Katherine May titled Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times.
In her book, May writes about her experience living through a deep and disquieting period that she describes as one of the “winters of her life”. The thing about the blog that caught my attention was the author’s perspective that life is like the seasons, constantly changing throughout our lifetimes.
We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.
Excerpts from Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May
Our culture leads us to believe that life progresses along a linear scale from helplessness towards ever-increasing flourishing, but in reality life is like the seasons, operating in a cyclical fashion, with many periods of ups and downs. Imagining life to operate only in a linear fashion can be harmful when people start to falsely believe that something is wrong with their life if it does not get progressively better as they get older or when they need to take detours along the way.
If we accept that our lives are more cyclical, with periods containing many Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter seasons of the spirit, then we can become better equipped to understand that there will periods of happiness and sadness throughout our life – as well as periods of strength and fragility.
When you start thinking about periods of your life as seasons, you come to realize that people live through many winters in their lifetime – some mild, some severe – and that it is possible, like the trees, to emerge from those winters not only undiminished but ready for new growth.
It is reassuring to think that our winter seasons do not need to be fallow and unproductive and that they can be a productive period when we are given the time and space we need to go on growing. Albert Camus wrote “In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer”. If we garden the winters of the soul with care, we can set in place seeds that will bloom into future summers of strength.
Katherine May makes the observation that trees enter a waiting phase during winter where the tree has everything it needs to make it through severe weather:
“Its fallen leaves are mulching the forest floor, and its roots are drawing up the extra winter moisture, providing a firm anchor against seasonal storms. Its ripe cones and nuts are providing essential food in this scarce time for mice and squirrels, and its bark is hosting hibernating insects and providing a source of nourishment for hungry deer. It is far from dead. It is in fact the life and soul of the wood. It’s just getting on with it quietly. It will not burst into life in the spring. It will just put on a new coat and face the world again.“
We all need to take an example from the trees and approach the winter seasons of our life in a similar way. Retreat, face our our sadness, let go of the things in our life that are no longer bearing fruit, be nourished by the strong roots of our personal friends and communities and get ready to face the world again.
The winter seasons of our life are usually characterized by sadness that is triggered when we experience loss of one kind or another. Those of us who have lived through winters know that there are self-punishing ways to be sad, and self-healing ways to be sad. The key to skillful wintering is to learn the difference between the two so that we are stronger when the season begins to turn – just like the branches of a tree during the depths of winter are covered in tiny dormant buds that will spring to life when the weather turns.
Since we are all certain to encounter winter seasons during our life, May concludes with a warning against judging people when they are down on their luck and experiencing misfortune. It is better she writes to encourage empathy, compassion and understanding for those that we find suffering:
Here is another truth about wintering: you’ll find wisdom in your winter, and once it’s over, it’s your responsibility to pass it on. And in return, it’s our responsibility to listen to those who have wintered before us. It’s an exchange of gifts in which nobody loses out.
This may involve the breaking of a lifelong habit, one passed down carefully through generations: that of looking at other people’s misfortunes and feeling certain that they brought them upon themselves in a way that you never would. This isn’t just an unkind attitude. It does us harm, because it keeps us from learning that disasters do indeed happen and how we can adapt when they do. It stops us from reaching out to those who are suffering. And when our own disaster comes, it forces us into a humiliated retreat, as we try to hunt down mistakes that we never made in the first place or wrongheaded attitudes that we never held. Either that, or we become certain that there must be someone out there we can blame.
Watching winter and really listening to its messages, we learn that effect is often disproportionate to cause; that tiny mistakes can lead to huge disasters; that life is often bloody unfair, but it carries on happening with or without our consent. We learn to look more kindly on other people’s crises, because they are so often portents of our own future.
This is good advice for the next time you find the seasons changing in your life. Do not despair – remember that every season can be profitable for our growth and survival. I have lived long enough to know that we can experience winter seasons during the blush of our youth and that it is possible for spring and summer seasons to joyfully populate the twilight of our years.
There is no telling when good things or terrible things will happen to us and we cannot know the entire meaning of it all, but we can know that life can be beautiful even in the darkest of seasons. So rejoice during all your seasons under the sun and remember that all our emotions and actions, both negative and positive, have important meaning and we become more majestic when we learn from them all.
Kathleen was born in 1960, the first-born of a third generation English/Irish couple scratching out a living in the gritty suburbs of Boston. Her mother and father were young parents who never possessed adequate parental skills to properly nurture their children.
In public her parents tried to present the picture of a perfect family; but behind closed doors it was a different story. They were routinely cruel to their children, inflicting harsh punishments for minor infractions. They were driven by their own selfish desires, letting the needs of their children take a backseat.
Despite the dysfunctional home and parental episodes of verbal and physical abuse, Kate was fortunately also exposed to glimmers of light: grandparents who lived nearby to look after her when things got out of hand at home; a favorite aunt who would spoil her; treasured books that helped her to imagine a life different than the one she was living; younger siblings to protect and bond with; and a catholic elementary school education that gave her the moral foundation to understand the difference between right and wrong.
Her parent’s disowned Kate after she graduated from High School because she refused to continue letting them bully her or acquiesce to their unreasonable demands on her life.
With no family support, she managed to get by with jobs as a checkout girl at the Supermarket and as a snack distributor. She shared a tiny apartment and went to school at night when she could afford it – eventually graduating from Bentley University with her business degree.
When she got married her parents expressed their disapproval by refusing to attend the wedding and by strong-arming most of her relatives to boycott the wedding as well.
Nevertheless she persisted, integrating well into her husband’s family – who gladly embraced her, loving and treating her like a daughter. She learned important lessons about how to be a loving parent from her father and mother in law that she never acquired from her own parents.
Someone had once told Kate that in this life you can either choose to be a victim or a survivor; and she was determined to be a survivor – refusing to let her past misfortunes define her or rob her of present and future joy.
It is said that when a child is born, the mother is born again also. Kate got a chance to be born again – being blessed with two daughters and a son over a period of 4 years. She vowed not to let history repeat itself, insisting that she would be a different kind of mother to her children than her mother was to her.
She succeeded in this vow by focusing on her family, working long hours to create a beautiful home and doing everything in her power to make sure her children had everything they needed. She sacrificed personal and professional goals to ensure the well-being of her children and to support her husband’s rising career.
When the marriage broke apart after almost 20 years, Kate was devastated. Overnight she became a single mother of two teenage daughters and a teenage son, struggling to pay, on a greatly reduced income, all the bills that came with maintaining the lifestyle to which her children were accustomed.
She did what she could to cut expenses and protect the children’s lives as much as possible from the turmoil and disruption that typically comes when parents divorce. Though the husband and wife relationship ended up in failure, Kate did her best for the sake of her children to ensure that the mother and father roles would be a success.
It was during this time that Kate and I began dating. We found each other via an online dating app, but were surprised to learn how much we actually had in common. We were both the same age, we lived in adjacent towns, our kids attended the same Catholic school and we were both grieving from the sudden death of our imagined lifetime dreams.
We met for a bicycle ride on our first date and I was intrigued by her honesty and seeming lack of effort to impress me with her clothes or appearance. She told me right up front that I should run away from her because she had three teenage children and an ex-husband that was a cop.
Her honesty came as a refreshing change compared to my other limited dating experiences and even after one brief date I could tell there was something substantial about her under the surface that called for a second date.
I enjoyed discovering over subsequent dates the beautiful qualities about her that were just waiting to come out – her intelligence; her sense of humor; her compassion for others; and her selflessness in trying to protect and provide for her children.
I saw in Kate a unique blend of toughness and tenderness that was very appealing. She shows her personal toughness by her refusal to be defeated by the obstacles and adversities that life throws at her; but at the same time she is very tender and compassionate with the people she encounters who need love, understanding and a helping hand.
I often wonder how it is that some people can grow up in dysfunctional families and live through life changing hurts but still bounce back from those adverse conditions to live happy and fulfilling lives. I so admire my wife for being one of those people who are blessed with that kind of supernatural resilience.
It seems to be a divine gift or maybe the answer to a prayer like the one Emily Dickinson made when she was struggling with the vagaries of her life:
“Grant me, O Lord, a sunny mind – Thy windy will to bear!”
Emily Dickinson from the poem “Besides the Autumn Poets Sing”
The Lord granted Kate with a sunny disposition for sure. It is not in her nature to dwell on her troubles and disappointments or to wallow in self pity. Her tendency is to see the good in other people and to take actions that will lead to a hopeful future.
Somehow she has turned the lost battles of her life into fuel that has helped her to grow more understanding, more spiritual, more forgiving and more generous. She has managed with divine help I suppose to transform all her afflictions into a blessing. What others in her life intended for evil, she has turned into good.
She is a living testament to the adage that we are not the product of what we were, but the possibility of what we can be.
If power is defined as the ability to do good for others, then Kate has been a powerful force in the world by enriching countless lives. Her heart is happiest when she is performing acts of kindness that make life better for other people, especially her children, step-children, grandchildren, husband, siblings, nieces, nephews and community friends.
Even her job as a hospice liaison is spent comforting and assisting patients and families who are overwhelmed by the emotions of planning end-of life care for their loved ones. She was an angel to my extended family as she guided my father through his last days with dignity; and now helps my mother gracefully age-in-place in the home that she loves.
If it’s true that a life is made by what we give, then Kate has truly lived a wonderful life – and the lives of the people she has touched are so much richer for her being a part of it. Every time I hear the lovely lilt of her laughter I am reminded how much I love her and how fortunate I am to call her my wife.
So I toast my wife as she celebrates her 60th birthday and begins what the Chinese like to call “the beginning of your second life“. I pray that the youth of her old age will be filled with love and happiness and that this blessing of her Irish ancestors will come true for her.
May joy and peace surround you, Contentment latch your door, And happiness be with you now, And bless you evermore.
I have been battling a stubborn eye infection for the past 6 weeks. It started with symptoms of redness, swelling, weeping and tenderness in my left eye. Within two weeks my right eye also became infected – eventually becoming worse than my left eye.
To complicate matters, this infection happened to occur during the peak of the coranavirus pandemic – which made it very challenging to meet with doctors and schedule health care appointments.
I managed to book a remote tele-health appointment with my primary care physician, who guessed that I had some form of bacterial conjunctivitis. He prescribed a 7 day course of both oral and eye drop antibiotics that he believed would clear up the infection.
At the end of my seven day treatment, however, my eye infections were really no better. I scheduled a second tele-health visit with another physician who prescribed a different eye drop treatment that contained a more powerful antibiotic.
As soon as I began the new treatment my eye condition became dramatically worse . My eyes began to water constantly and the eyelids became so inflamed and swollen that I could barely open them. My eyes looked and felt as though they had been through a losing 15 round boxing match.
Panicking a little at this development, I began to put double doses of the eye drops in my eyes, hoping that the extra antibiotics would hasten my recovery from the infection. But this only seemed to make my condition worse.
At this point, my doctor recommended that I visit my nearest Urgent Care facility to have my eyes examined. The doctor there believed that my body was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic eye drops which was causing my eyelids to swell and my eye ducts to become clogged. I was told to discontinue my current treatment immediately and see an eye specialist.
Fortunately, I was able to get an office appointment with an eye doctor who looked at my eyes under a microscope and swabbed them to determine what type of bacteria was the culprit. Based on the examination, I was prescribed a combined steroid/antibiotic treatment and instructed to regularly massage my eyes with hot compresses to help open up the clogged eye ducts.
It was a relief when my eyes began to slowly improve under the positive effects of this new treatment and I am thankful that my eyes have almost returned back to their normal condition.
The whole experience though has given me a greater appreciation of the role the eyes play in our daily life and how important they are to our overall well-being. As Shakespeare observed in Romeo & Juliet “He that is stricken blind can not forget the precious treasure of his eyesight lost“.
Picture Courtesy of Colin Maynard @invent
A number of emotions and concerns took root in my mind while I was battling the course of this malady:
Vanity – According to Henry David Thoreau “The eye is the jewel of the body” and the eyes are indeed the focal point of human relationships – and usually the first thing we notice when we encounter somebody new. It is considered a sign of respect and good manners in our society to look directly into a person’s eyes when you greet them.
So you can imagine that during my ailment I became very self-conscious of my appearance and was reluctant to be seen in public without covering my eyes with sunglasses. My own wife suddenly shrank from my embrace and jokingly began calling me lizard eye.
Because one of the symptoms of the Covid-19 virus happens to be inflamed eyes, the people I encountered seemed to become especially nervous around me. Believe me when I say that once people had a good look at my face they went out of their way to keep socially distant from me.
Fear – As my eye condition continued to deteriorate and stubbornly resisted all forms of treatment despite the use of powerful antibiotics, I began to experience feelings of fear and anxiety over the inability to use my eyes during my everyday routines. I started wondering if there were a real possibility that the illness might cause some kind of permanent damage to my eyesight.
My right eyelid became so swollen that I could only pull it open using my fingers and both eyes watered so much that my vision became very blurry. It became difficult and uncomfortable to do all the everyday ordinary things that requires functioning eyesight (like reading a book, watching a show, working on the computer or tying a fishing knot).
It forced me to consider in the back of my mind how different life would be and how my daily activities would need to change dramatically in order to live with diminished eyesight.
Magnification of other senses – Studies have shown that people who are blind tend to have enhanced abilities in their other senses. Detailed brain scans comparing the brains of people who are blind to the brains of people who are not blind show that individuals with impaired sight have heightened senses of hearing, smell and touch.
I’m not claiming that my other senses increased to superpower levels to compensate for the deterioration of my eyesight – my loss was too short term to re-wire my brain – but what I can say is that my malfunctioning sense of sight caused me to focus more on my other senses and to derive increased pleasure from them.
I closed my eyes and amused myself by listening to music and audio books, I delighted more in the smell of the pleasant scents wafting in the breezy Spring air and in the satisfying mix of flavors in my food, I relished the feel of soaking in the tub and submerging my tender eyes in the warm water.
Now that my eyes are on the mend I must remember that I am failing to appreciate the fullness of life when I let one or more of my senses dominate at the expense of the others.
Simultaneously employing all our senses in concert to their full capacity helps us to live our life in High Definition with Surround Sound quality rather than the limiting Black & White and Mono soundtrack experiences that are provided by the individual senses.
Compassion and Empathy – When we are in the bloom of health, it is human nature for us not to think about the difficulties that other people living with disabilities and impairments must face during the course of their daily life.
My brief encounter with sight impairment gave me a new appreciation for people who must live permanently with one or more disabilities that makes living inconvenient and challenging.
We are told it is a healthy practice to count our blessings and to have a grateful heart. Most people when they count their blessings only think about how grateful they are for the good things in their life. This experience has reminded me that it is equally important for me to be thankful for the afflictions that I have been spared.
When our lives are not burdened by birth defects, diseases, sicknesses, poverty or addictions we find it difficult to show compassion or relate to those who struggle with one or more of these issues every day.
It is good every now and then to put yourself in the shoes of those who are walking a hard road and to remind yourself how you would like to be treated if you were in their shoes – because someday you may be.
As unpleasant as my adventure with this eye infection has been, it has also been a positive learning experience because it has given me a new perspective about the vanity of vanity, forced me to confront and overcome my fears, reminded me to use all my senses to their full capacity and encouraged me to treat with compassion all those who are living with handicaps.
I know that my eyes will eventually fail me as I age, just like the rest of my body will, but I do believe the overall vision I gained from this experience will stay with me until the very end.
In an attempt to make more meaningful the days I have left, I have started a practice that I call Memorable & Admirable. It is a pretty simple practice; when I turn in for the evening, I lie in bed and think back over my day and I ask myself two questions:
Did I do anything today that was memorable?
Did I do anything today that was admirable?
On a good day I can usually single out one or two events that happened during the course of my day that I considered to be memorable and/or admirable.
But on many nights I do struggle to identify even a single memorable or admirable event that occurred during the course of my day. On those nights, I regret the day’s lost opportunities and find myself making resolutions to do a better job tomorrow.
All of us live with unforgettable memories; our first kiss, our graduation from college, our first job, our wedding day, the birth of our first child and grandchild. Those once-in-a-lifetime events have a powerful emotional impact on us because they enrich our life, bond us to others and help to define who we are.
Those big moments occur so rarely that they become burned into our memories. Research shows that most older people, when they look back on their lives, recall most of their big memories happening between the ages of 15 and 30 – a very narrow window that comprises less than 20% of the average lifespan.
Is it because our memory is sharper when we are younger? No. It’s because most of us settle into a routine by our 30’s and life begins to lose its zest. I am typical I suppose, being in my 60’s, and finding it difficult to recall many memorable life events that occurred in my late 30’s.
It is easy to get trapped into a routine where habit begins to take over our lives. One day follows another, one month rolls into the next, we get lazy following comfortable patterns – and then before you know it, the calendar rolls over to a new year and we find ourselves wondering where the time went. The months and years begin to blur together because nothing new and shiny happens in our life.
I have learned that if you want to slow down time, you have to work at creating memories – you cannot leave it to chance. Chip Heath, a professor at Stanford Graduate School of Business, and co-author of the book The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact provides suggestions on how people can inject novelty into their life and create experiences that become both memorable and meaningful.
Stimulate the Senses
Engaging our senses can make moments stand out more intensely. This is why concerts, museums and great meals stick in our memories and why sitting on the couch is so forgettable.
I remember, as if it was yesterday, standing 5 feet from the stage watching Bob Dylan play the piano and sing his Gospel song “Pressing On” in a small Worcester Auditorium when I was just 21 years old; and 36 years later listening to the wall of inspired sound created by Neil Young & Crazy Horse as they rocked a packed Boston concert audience.
I also have lasting memories from my youth of tasting fresh rhubarb, carrots and tomatoes right out of the garden; and when I was much older, of eating scorpions, chicken feet, drunken prawns, pepper crab and Schweinsbraten during my frequent international business trips.
When our bodies are stimulated by our faculties of sight, smell, hearing, taste, or touch – our brains work overtime to record the experience.
Raise the Stakes
Memories are more readily made when we participate in activities where we have something to gain or lose. Competing in a sporting event is more exciting than watching one and betting on a sporting event makes watching it more entertaining.
I remember tension-filled Dart tournaments where my performance made the difference between my team winning or losing the league trophy; as well as pleasant days spent at the race track with my father, studying the racing program and being thrilled when the dog I picked won their race.
And of course, there are the trunk full of memories I have from the family’s annual pressure-packed Pitch tournaments – the winners of which are crowned the reigning Pitch King & Queen with their names enshrined on the tournament jersey entitling them to bragging rights throughout the year. Every year the family has fun reminiscing about the exploits of past card tournaments.
When the stakes are raised, people pay attention.
Break the Script
In order to get past the routine autopilot of our day to day lives, we have to do something that will break the script. When we do something different we defy expectations and surprise people.
Chip Heath, in his book, described how Southwest Airlines broke the script when they changed the wording of their flight safety announcement. One of the lines they added was:
If you should get to use the life vest in a real-life situation, the vest is yours to keep.
People loved it and it got the typically distracted passengers to break off whatever they were doing and listen more closely to the safety announcement. Southwest reported that those who heard the new messages actually flew more, resulting in an extra $140 million per year in revenue for the company.
Breaking the script can produce delightful moments.
One such delightful moment in my life occurred because I happened to invite my wife to go trout fishing with my Dad and I. We had been fishing buddies for more than 40 years and we had a well-worn routine consisting of which separate stretches of the river we would fish and what we would pack for lunch (usually peanut butter crackers and a beer).
We broke the script by adding my wife to the mix. Her addition encouraged us to all fish together and when it came time for lunch she surprised us with a gourmet picnic comprised of cheese and crackers, shrimp, lobster sandwiches and wine. I’ll never forget my Dad’s eyes twinkling with mirth and bemusement as we sat on the blanket sipping our wine next to the singing river.
Celebrate Milestones
The best way to commemorate achievements is to celebrate them – especially with the people you like most. Research shows that our accomplishments take on increased meaning when we take the time to appreciate what we’ve accomplished.
So do something to celebrate those birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions, retirements, etc. Don’t save the celebration for big events only.
Celebrating a silly milestones can be an effective way to “break the script” so that an event becomes even more memorable. My friend, who is a New York Yankees fan, used to have a 1918 party every year celebrating the last time the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series (fortunately he had to stop hosting that party in 2004).
For good measure, we can also set goals for ourselves that will lead to milestones we can celebrate at some point in the future. Doing that motivates us to achieve our goals and it leads to moments of pride that we will be able to celebrate in the future.
Overcoming Adversity
Why do armies put their recruits through high ordeal boot camp training and why do fraternities subject their pledges to harsh hazing? It is because struggling strengthens the bonds between people and experiencing adversity forms strong memory attachments in the brain.
I have vivid memories of all the crazy and senseless things I was asked to do when I pledged my college fraternity more than 42 years ago, but I have kept in contact with my fraternity “brothers” throughout all those years and we have fun reminiscing fondly about those youthful days.
For many years I was a volunteer member of a prison ministry team. We would spend exhausting 3-Day weekends conducting spiritual retreats inside Massachusetts, New York and New Hampshire State Prison facilities.
It was hard work and the preparation was very time consuming, but some of the most spiritual moments of my life came while witnessing the prisoners and my ministry teammates share their faith stories over the course of the retreat.
So adversity can be a blessing if you want to create lasting memories – especially if you go through it with somebody else. You will be surprised how often you will look back fondly on times that you worked to help others fulfill their dreams – even though it seemed like a chore at the time.
Build Moments of Connection
For most people, it’s relationships with the people we love that brings us the most happiness. Vacations, reunions and holidays are ideal times to create moments of connection that will deepen our relationships with others.
To celebrate my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary in 2008 my siblings rented a beautiful Lake House and the whole family spent the week celebrating the love my parents had for each other and the loving sacrifices they made to raise 8 children.
Each of their children read a heartfelt letter honoring them and thanking them for all the happy memories and life lessons we learned from them while growing up.
The week spent together was magical; filled with fishing, peaceful boat rides, lobster and clam bakes, competitive kickball and card games, marriage renewal vows and joyous dancing. We formed a deep connection with one another during that week and it resulted in a lifetime of memories.
Moments of connection can be built on a large scale, like that Anniversary party or on a much smaller, but still meaningful scale. One such meaningful connection for me was when my teenage daughter was given a school assignment to bake a loaf of bread.
I was happy when she asked me to assist her with the project because it gave me an opportunity to spend meaningful time with her and to bond doing something together (plus I learned how to bake bread!).
Finally, you can build connections with others even if you don’t really know them. My wife, who works for a Hospice agency, told me about the time Bill Atkinson, a member of the NH Police Association Pipes and Drums and a Captain with Nashua Fire Rescue, came to the Community Hospice House and stood outside the facility playing a bagpipe concert for the patients and staff. The music could be heard from all four corners of the house – and you can bet that the staff and those residents facing life’s end were bonded in a holy moment of spiritual connection.
Admirable moments can also be memorable moments but not necessarily – and I think that is how it should be in most cases. We should do admirable things because it helps to make the world a better place – not because we are trying to create memories.
When I take inventory of my day, asking myself if I did anything that was admirable, my mind searches for moments when I went out of my way to do something that was unselfish, considered someone else’s needs rather than my own or made sacrifices to better myself or others.
Participating in these moments of introspection has led me to wonder about which character traits society as a whole should consider admirable. The ones that come most often to my mind are:
Honesty & Integrity – Try my best to be honest with myself and others. Be true to my word. Take ownership of my faults and failings.
Humility & Modesty – Remember that life is fragile and my time on earth is brief. In the vast scheme of things I am just a simple, insignificant person. Don’t brag about my accomplishments – act more, talk less.
Compassion – Imagine yourself in the other’s person’s shoes. Treat others the way you would like yourself to be treated.
Discipline & Hard Work – Good things come to those who are disciplined and willing to work hard. Fight the urge for instant gratification by pursuing long term satisfaction.
Courage – When we face trouble and problems in our life, it is natural to look for an easy way out. A person with courage tackles adversity head-on, not shrinking from the hard road, no matter where it leads.
Leadership – It takes a special person to stand up and give direction to others.
Humor – Don’t take life too seriously – try to laugh at yourself and the things around you once in a while.
Each of us may have a different list of qualities that we consider admirable, that is OK and that is what contributes to making different people so interesting. The point is that it is important for all of us to subscribe to a set of admirable ethics and to look for opportunities to practice them every day.
So good luck creating memories and practicing admirable acts in your life. I hope you will find that you also benefit from the happy side-effect I started experiencing when I began concentrating on my days memorable and admirable events at bedtime: Peaceful Dreams!
In keeping with the spirit of the Holiday Season, at this time of year I look to post uplifting topics about hope and redemption. This year I would like to write a few words in praise of Bill Buckner.
For those of you unfamiliar with Bill Buckner, he was an All-Star Major League Baseball player and one of the game’s great underrated hitters. He finished seven seasons of a 22 year career with better than a .300 average, compiled 2715 hits (more than either Joe DiMaggio or Ted Williams) and won the 1980 American League batting title.
I happened to be at a Red Sox baseball game this summer with my wife when the Public Address announcer informed the crowd that Bill Buckner had passed away. The fans respectfully cheered while the team played a montage video of Bill on the center field scoreboard, but I was thinking how unfortunate it was that Bill would probably not be remembered for his career of excellent play, but instead for the one notable error he was unlucky enough to make on the world’s biggest stage.
The stage was Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, the Boston Red Sox against the New York Mets. The Red Sox were 1 out away from clinching the title when the Mets rallied from a two run deficit.
The 36 year old Buckner – hobbled by bum ankles and knees – was playing first base for Boston when Mookie Wilson hit a weak ground ball to him – a ball he would normally field successfully 99 times out of a 100. But in this instance the ball somehow eluded Buckner’s glove and bounced past him into the outfield. The Mets scored the winning run completing a stunning come from behind victory.
The Fateful Error
The deflated Red Sox went on to lose game 7 and frustrated Sox fans everywhere – who had been suffering from a championship drought since 1918 – made Buckner the scapegoat for the team’s failure. They focused on the error; forgetting all about Buckner’s key contributions to the team during Boston’s crucial September playoff run when he carried the team, batting a stellar .340 and hitting eight home runs.
Buckner’s error became one of the most infamous plays in baseball history. Replays of the error with announcer Vin Scully shouting “It gets through Buckner!” were played constantly on the television. The headlines in the Boston newspaper screamed “Buckner Boots Big Grounder“. He was the scourge of Boston sports for a lengthy period of time.
Buckner’s career and life changed in an instant. The fans and media piled on – branding him as the guy who missed the ground ball. Buckner received death threats and one reporter allegedly called Buckner’s wife to ask her if he was contemplating suicide. In the immediate aftermath of the heartbreaking error and painful loss, I too became part of the mob cursing the name of Bill Buckner.
The taunting reminders of that muffed grounder battered Buckner so relentlessly that he eventually chose to relocate away from the rage in New England to an isolated ranch in Idaho where he could find some peace. His family, he said, “didn’t like to see how people were treating me.“
The magazine editor William Falk met Buckner ten years after the 1986 series and he remembers Buckner stiffening when he introduced himself as a reporter from New York. He could still glimpse the old hurt in Buckner’s eyes which quickly became hard and challenging. He was glad to see the reporter go.
Why was Buckner alone assigned the blame when so many others contributed as much or more to the Red Sox defeat? Buckner’s miscue marked the unkindest bounce of fate, a most improbable error sustained by a good and admired man at the worst possible moment.
As a man of faith Bill must have wondered what God had wrought – to have to live out his life being defined by the worst five seconds he ever experienced. His wife said a lesser man would have crumbled under the things that he had to endure.
Gradually Buckner learned to live with his mistake and even come to laugh at it. He wondered if it was part of some mysterious plan that could somehow be used as a life lesson for others experiencing misfortune in their life. Buckner said, “I was a little bitter over it for a long time, because I didn’t think I deserved it, … but then I’ve had a lot of people call me and thank me for giving them directions to make it through — and that’s a good thing.”
I read recently that there are at least three things it is good to forget. First is past accomplishments because out of success too often comes complacency and contentment that lull the mind. Second, it is good to forget our hurts because if we just dwell on our bitterness we will accomplish little. Finally, it is good to forget our failures because all of us make mistakes and sometimes we do not succeed even when we’ve worked hard and given something our best shot.
With time comes wisdom, compassion and perspective. Many Red Sox fans eventually came to realize how unfairly they had treated Bill Buckner. In recent years sportswriters began publishing articles about how the Boston fans had finally come to forgive him – especially after the team finally broke the 86 year championship drought by capturing World Series titles in 2004 and 2007.
In my opinion Bill Buckner never needed to seek forgiveness. He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t purposely miss the ball. He was trying his very best. Errors like that happen every day in baseball… and in life. It is those of us who treated Bill so uncharitably for so many years who should ask for forgiveness.
In 2008, 22 years after the fateful error, the Red Sox invited Bill Buckner back to Fenway Park for the celebration of the 2007 Championship. When he walked out to the mound to throw out the game’s ceremonial first pitch, the players and fans gave him a moving two minute standing ovation. Buckner’s eyes grew wet with tears. I remember watching the scene with tears in my eyes too – hoping that Bill had found it in his heart to forgive us.
Red Sox Fans Cheer Buckner’s Return, 2008
“Glad I came“, said Buckner after the game, “I really had to forgive, not the fans of Boston, per se, but I would have to say in my heart I had to forgive the media. For what they put me and my family through. So, you know, I’ve done that and I’m over that.”
Terry Francona, former Red Sox manager who was visiting the park that day said “I thought it was kind of a healing moment, it seemed, for a lot of people and for him, I hope”.
Bill Buckner died at the age of 69 after a long battle with Lewy body dementia – another cruel twist of fate that crippled the once great athlete with cognitive and movement problems. But he accepted it with grace.
On learning the news of Bill Buckner’s death Red Sox principal owner John Henry said: “We are proud that Bill Buckner wore a Red Sox jersey during the course of a terrific career that spanned more than two decades. His life was defined by perseverance, resilience, and an insatiable will to win. Those are the traits for which he will be most remembered.”
Mookie Wilson, the Mets baseball player who hit the fateful ground ball back in 1986, wrote: “I was saddened to hear about Bill’s death. He was a good teammate and a solid family man. We had developed a friendship that lasted well over 30 years. I felt badly for some of the things he went through. Bill was a great great baseball player whose legacy should not be defined by one play.”
Here’s wishing you all the generosity and goodwill of the Christmas season – may we all have the strength, resilience and perseverence of Bill Buckner when things in life don’t go our way and may we never forget that heavenly maxim “To err is human; to forgive, Divine“.
On a snowy January day this past winter, while minding the fireplace in my living room, I found myself watching the movie/musical The Fiddler on the Roof.
1971 Movie Poster of Fiddler on the Roof
For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, it is set in 1905 Imperial Russia, during a time when the Jews were being persecuted and evicted from their homes and villages by pogroms enacted by the reigning Tsars.
In the story, Tevye, a poor milkman and patriarch of a family with five daughters struggles to maintain his Jewish religious traditions in the face of outside cultural influences that threaten to disrupt and break apart his family.
The first time I watched the movie I was in my 20’s, too young and inexperienced in the ways of life to appreciate the wisdom and insights that were subtly portrayed – especially by the character Tevye.
Tevye is poor and uneducated, but he dreams every day of becoming rich and respected. While doing chores in his barn, he breaks into a song fantasizing about how good his life would be if only he was a wealthy man.
He imagines he would have the best house in town, his wife and children would strut like peacocks around town in the finest of clothes and servants would prepare rich foods for them to feast on every night.
But what Tevye craves most is not money – it is knowledge, wisdom and the respect of his close knit Jewish faith community:
“The most important men in town will come to fawn on me. They will ask me to advise them like Solomon The Wise – posing problems that would cross a rabbi’s eyes. And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong – when you’re rich, they think you really know. If I were rich I’d have that time that I lack to sit in the synagogue and pray and maybe have a seat by the eastern wall, and I’d discuss the Holy Books with the learned men seven hours every day… and that would be the sweetest thing of all.”
Song lyrics from “If I were a Rich Man”
Tevye concludes the song with an appeal to God – one that is universally recognizable to many people who wonder about their lot in life: “Lord, who made the lion and the lamb. You decreed I should be what I am. Would it spoil some vast eternal plan if I were a wealthy man?”.
Despite Tevye’s frustration with his lowly station in life, the townspeople and movie viewers eventually come to respect him because of the authentic and intimate relationship he has with his God and because of the love, mercy and compassion he shows to his daughters.
Those qualities come into sharp focus as Tevye struggles with the fallout from a marriage agreement he has arranged for his oldest daughter Tzeitel. In Jewish tradition of the time it was customary for a father to choose a husband for their daughters. Tevye is pleased with himself because he has made a profitable agreement for his daughter to marry the rich, widowed village butcher.
When he goes to share this good news with his daughter, he is dismayed to learn that she is horrified at the thought of marrying the butcher and she begs her father not to force her into the marriage. He further discovers, that she has secretly pledged herself to marry Motel, the poor town tailor, who comes rushing in at the last moment to ask Tevye for his blessing to marry Tzeitel.
Tevye immediately refuses to give his permission. It is absurd for a couple to arrange a match for themselves. It goes against all tradition! Marriages must be arranged by the Papa! This should never be changed! Motel cannot support his daughter! He is only a poor tailor!
But Tevye begins to reconsider and soften after Motel shouts out “Even a poor Tailor is entitled to some happiness“. He stares into the eyes of his hopeful daughter and the poor tailor and sees the unmistakable love they have for each other, he tells himself that Adam and Eve had no matchmaker except God and he reasons that even though the tailor has absolutely nothing; things could never get worse for him, only better.
Tevye finally relents and gives the couple his blessing, accepting that his daughter is not ordained to have all the comforts in life. His willingness to forsake the rigid strictures of his community traditions and instead see the young couple through eyes of mercy and compassion becomes a grace-filled moment in the movie and a lesson for all of us that stubbornly cling to beliefs that are not based on love.
Two yeas later, we see Tevye delivering milk to his community while talking to God and updating him on the status of his daughter’s marriage.
“Motel and Tzeitel have been married for some time now. They work very hard and they’re as poor as squirrels in winter. But they’re so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are.”
This moment exposes the close personal relationship Tevye has with his God and the comfortable way in which they converse – as though God were just a friendly companion walking with him. Tevye never walks alone because God always walks beside him. It also reveals Tevye’s joy at the success of his daughter’s marriage and his belief that he made the right decision in giving them his blessing.
Tevye’s observation that the couple is so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are struck a chord of recognition with me. When I married my wife Elaine in the Summer of 1982, I was no more than a boy of 22 years old and still in College. We had no idea what was ahead of us. We had only part time jobs, a beat-up car, no savings and I had never been on a plane or traveled anywhere outside of New England.
We were poor as Church mice but we thought life was grand because we had each other and the bright prospect of our whole life in front of us. We saw everything in our life with new eyes and each milestone we shared was a thrill that made the bond between us stronger.
We started with nothing, but we didn’t mind because we loved each other and we had the support of our families who had shown us the blueprint for a successful life and given us the strong foundation we needed to succeed. The good things we had blinded us to the material deficiencies in our life.
Life changed fast for us – within a couple short years we had good jobs, a brand new home, a new car and a beautiful baby daughter. We gradually began to acquire all the trappings of material wealth that are associated with middle class families in America.
There is a challenge for couples as they grow older and more established to still remain grateful for the simple things. Once you begin to take for granted all the little things that first made you happy – and start thinking instead about all the things you don’t have – there exists a danger of developing a miserable attitude because you don’t recognize how good you have it.
The lessons I learned from watching the Fiddler on the Roof is to always look at each day with new eyes, to break away from past traditions that are preventing me from growing in grace and to seek out a more intimate relationship with my higher power – one that will support and comfort me as I navigate through the trials and tribulations of my life.
Whatever stage in life you find yourself in, may you too learn to find happiness in the simple things and always maintain that youthful wonder at the magic of being alive.
I remember a moment from my past when my oldest daughter was about four years old; I took her and her friend Nicole to their ballet class, and after that to the city library so we could pick out some books.
As I was checking out the books, some young boy apparently had grabbed Nicole by the neck and pushed her out of his way. I turned around and saw the boy leaving with his mother just as Nicole began to cry. I tried to comfort her the best I could but was not having much success.
I stood up to collect the books that I had left on the counter and when I turned back I noticed that my daughter had come over to hug and console Nicole, saying to her “It’s all right Nicole, we’ll go home and have some lunch now OK – Don’t cry“. Nicole stopped crying immediately and the two small girls walked hand in hand back to the car.
It was a touching and deeply fulfilling moment for me, as it would be for most parents I suppose, the first time you observe a child that you have loved and nurtured, nurture somebody else. Events of that sort, where you are present to witness your child demonstrate the qualities of compassion and empathy for another person, come along rarely in life to reassure parents that they are doing something right and that their children will turn out to be decent human beings.
This memory from 30 years ago popped into my mind this past week as I watched and listened to the sad saga of the immigrant children being forcibly separated from their parents due to sudden changes in the US immigration policy.
How can it be I wondered that a policy that breaks up families – which is contrary to everything in life that we hold sacred and holy – was conceived, ordered into being, approved by the Justice Dept and implemented and enforced by the Immigration authorities?
The first reaction is to brand all those involved with this malevolent policy as evil because it was obvious to the majority of the country that the people who supported this policy lacked empathy and basic compassion – not only for the families who were fleeing poverty and violence, but especially for the innocent children who were being punished through no fault of their own.
Compassion is defined as a feeling of concern for the suffering of others. Psychiatric studies have found that psychopaths and those suffering from narcissism are often incapable of feeling empathy or compassion for someone else. It would be dangerous and inaccurate, however, to just label anyone who supported this policy as a narcissist or a psychopath. Psychiatrists list these other reasons that can cause people to harden their hearts.
The emotion of anger can block off a person’s capacity to feel warmth or mercy for those experiencing troubles and difficulties. It is likely that some people lack empathy for the families being split apart simply because they are very angry at immigrants who are trying to enter this country illegally. They could never imagine themselves trying to flee illegally to a different country and their anger at those who would prevents them from putting themselves in the other person’s shoes.
Some people prefer to remain distant as a sort of protection mechanism. They fear that if they get too close or become too involved in an emotional issue then they will be vulnerable to pain. For these people avoidance is a primary objective and out-of-sight out-of-mind is their philosophy for dealing with life’s difficult events.
Some have difficulties identifying and relating to others and can only really understand and empathize with things that they have experienced personally. Most people in the United States are not hungry or facing violence, therefore it is difficult for them to show compassion for those who are experiencing such traumas.
Finally, some people are inclined to fear people that are not like them. They de-humanize immigrants who do not look like them or speak their language and reason that if they are allowed to enter the country they will take away their jobs, harm their families and perform criminal acts.
I suspect that it was a combination of all these factors that resulted in our government leaders and agencies creating and enforcing such a heartless policy. It’s hard to believe there could have been anyone at the table speaking out with compassion and empathy while these immigration policy decisions were being made.
Karen Armstrong, a British author and former Catholic religious sister used the $100,000 TED prize she won in 2008 to help create a charitable organization called the Charter for Compassion, which urges the peoples of the world to embrace the core value of compassion and identifies shared moral priorities across religious traditions, in order to foster global understanding and a peaceful world.
Armstrong claimed in her TED talk that if reason is not tempered by compassion and empathy it leads men and women into a moral void. That is exactly what appeared to happen in this case. In an effort to achieve their broader immigration policy goals, and to force their opponents to come to the bargaining table, the Trump Administration created a moral disaster by failing to temper their zero tolerance policy with compassion and empathy.
I was heartened to see that the policy was met with outrage across the world and that prominent religious leaders and ethics experts condemned the policy and spoke out against the immorality of separating immigrant children from their parents.
This event should be a life lesson for this administration and for any of us who are involved in making decisions that have the power to cause unnecessary suffering in others. We cannot turn a blind eye to the immoral consequences of our decisions. We must temper our reasoning with empathy and compassion if we wish to overcome selfishness and make decisions that will lead to the creation of just and peaceful communities.
I grew up in Central Massachusetts near the small towns of Ashburnham, Gardner, Hubbardston, Templeton, Westminster and Winchendon. I have strong connections to that area of the state and pleasant memories of the days I spent exploring the roads, woods, lakes and streams that make up this collection of industrial and rural townships.
To my surprise, my daughter found a book specifically dedicated to telling the history of this region and sent it to me for my birthday. One particular story in the book about the history of the Gardner State Colony for the Mentally Ill brought back memories of my own exposure to that institution when I was a boy.
The Gardner State Colony was originally established in 1902 on 1500 acres of land near the Westminster/Gardner town line. It was designed as a self-supporting complex for mentally disturbed patients who were considered able-bodied and sufficiently cooperative to engage in construction and agricultural work.
Dr Charles E. Thompson, the Colony’s first Superintendent, utilized an innovative cottage system to house the patients. Groups of patients were placed in separate cottages according to their needs and interests. Patients worked 10 hours a day, six days a week to support the material and physical needs of the community.
The idea behind the colony system was to to place the mentally ill in a rural environment where they could form an independent agrarian society. It was reasoned that simple farm life – where patients worked the soil in close harmony with nature – would give the patients a better chance for a secure and stable life.
Once the colony was up and running, it became well known for its fine orchards. The various cottages produced just about every fruit and vegetable that could be grown in New England. Records show that in 1912 the colony produced more than 1800 quarts of blueberries, 300 quarts of piccalilli, 400 quarts of string beans and 600 gallons of pickled cucumbers and tomatoes. Their bee hives produced 550 pounds of honey. By 1917, the colony was generating so much produce that a cannery needed to be constructed on the grounds.
Animal husbandry was also practiced within the colony including the raising of dairy cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, turkeys, geese and rabbits at various times. With an aim to be fully self-sufficient, the colony also set up shops to produce shoes, brooms, clothes, sheets, pillowcases and mattresses. Furniture was made in its own shops from wood cut on its own acreage.
In 1935 the institution was renamed the Gardner State Hospital and placed under the jurisdiction of the State, subjected to the same uniform laws applicable to all the other state mental hospitals.
In 1976 the hospital was closed because there was an increased emphasis on alternative methods of treatment and a trend towards outpatient community based mental health services. The diminishing population resulted in the closing of the hospital in 1980, at which point it was turned into a medium security state prison.
The system originally employed by the Gardner State Colony was a bold idea at the time and one that I’m guessing was preferable to the limited alternatives that the mentally ill had in those days. However, the evidence of a successful farm did not mean that it was a successful hospital. As idyllic as life at the colony appeared, the architects good intentions alone were not enough to render moral the forced labor and incarceration of the mentally ill.
The early years of the 20th century were ones of involuntary commitment for the mentally ill, whose freedoms were taken from them while being forced to live their lives out in unfamiliar surroundings without their consent.
A case can be made that some patients enjoyed certain types of occupational therapy such as sewing or light gardening, but tasks such as building roads, chopping down trees, clearing fields, working in hot laundry rooms, etc. were probably not enjoyable and there is really no way to know what kind of coercive and abusive measures the colony’s overseers used on the patients to get them to perform some of the more difficult and undesirable tasks.
In addition, there were stories about how the practice of involuntary commitment were used by those in power as a weapon to suppress dissent and punish political opponents. An example is a woman named Aurora D’Angelo who was sent to a mental health facility for psychiatric evaluation against her will after she participated in a rally in support of anarchists. This kind of practice once led Ray Bradbury to note that “Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage”
There is also no way of knowing what happened to the more than 700 former patients, many of them unidentified, who are buried in the Colony cemetery and who took their stories to the grave with them.
To society’s credit there was a gradual trend by the mental health profession, starting in the 2nd half of the 20th century, towards deinstitutionalisation. Most states now have laws that abolish or substantially reduce involuntary commitment. Individuals now have a right to the least restrictive treatment, not what a doctor may consider the most beneficial treatment.
Getting back to my boyhood exposure to the Gardner State Hospital. It was during the Summers when I was just a boy of 10 to 13 years old. A group of my friends and I would take day-long bike trips around the city and towns in which we would travel 20 miles or more while stopping to play at various interesting locations.
I fondly remember these bike trips with my friends because they really gave me my first taste of independence and they helped me to expand my view of the world beyond my own street and neighborhood.
One of my favorite bike routes had us riding through the back roads of the Gardner State Hospital grounds while on our way to a dairy bar where we would stop for refreshing ice cream cones. The ride through the State Hospital grounds was very scenic, filled with pastures, meadows, flowering trees and cottages. It had the appearance of a relaxing summer camp.
However, as we rode along I remember my friends telling me that the people who lived in the cottages were crazy and weren’t like normal people. They told me to speed up and avoid anyone who tried to come near us – and they told me stories of insane ghosts haunting the institution’s graveyard. They stigmatized the people who lived there as damaged and made me think of them as “freaks” or “monsters”.
As I got older I gradually came to know better and realize that people afflicted with mental illness are simply sick and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. They are one of society’s most vulnerable and least understood populations and often there are no easy therapies or miracle medicines that can cure them.
Anyone who has lived with mental illness, or has a loved one who has suffered from mental illness, knows how painful it can be and how hurtful it is when others characterize them as defective.
If I could go back to those young boys riding their bikes through the Gardner State Hospital, I would tell them that the mentally ill ought to be treated with compassion and kindness because one of the greatest cruelties in life is blindness to the despair of others.
One day while surfing through the Bob Dylan web site I came across a letter that was sent to Bob by one of his musician friends, Roland Janes. Roland was a regular sessions guitarist who worked at the legendary Sun Records in the 50’s and 60’s – helping to fuel the energy behind the early Rockabilly hits of Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Riley, Barbara Pittman, Charlie Rich and many others.
Roland left Sun Records in 1963 but continued to work in the music industry as a producer, engineer and teacher of recording techniques. He died of a heart attack in 2013 at the age of 80 and was elected to the Memphis Music Hall of Fame.
During one of Bob Dylan’s Memphis recording sessions, Bob struck up a friendship with Roland and stayed in touch with him throughout the years. Bob was especially moved when Roland sent him a story he wrote titled “House of Broken Dreams“.
In the spirit of the Christmas season, I have replicated Roland’s beautiful story below. I am glad to share it with all my readers – hoping that we will all follow in the footsteps of Mr Oscar and find a way to be kind, forgiving, generous and compassionate to the people who cross our path in life who need it most. I wish you all a merry and blessed Christmas.
“HOUSE OF BROKEN DREAM’S” By: Roland Janes Christmas 2011
In my younger day’s I fancied myself to be a fine guitar player and singer. In fact I finally caught hold of the brass ring and had a pretty good career as an all around musician, singer, and songwriter. Although I never made it to the top, I enjoyed limited fame and fortune. I rubbed shoulders, and performed on the same stage with some of the greatest.
Of all the great memories of back in the day, my most treasured is the memory of my very first professional experiences. Along with another aspiring talented young steel guitar player, we rented a sleeping room upstairs over a pawnshop called “THE HOUSE OF BROKEN DREAMS”.
The pawnshop owner was a kindly old gentleman named Mr. Oscar. Mr. Oscar catered to people of all descriptions who were down on their luck. Some were self medicating drug addicts, some were musician’s while others were simply having a run of bad luck due to various reasons, such as unemployment, under employment, broken relationships etc.
My friend and I were barely surviving by performing in a run down bar for five dollars a night, plus tips and as an extra bonus, four drinks free. Fortunately neither of us took advantage of the free drinks so we were able to garner a fairly good amount of tips.
The real story and what created such a vivid and long lasting memory for me was the sadness I felt for the folk’s who were forced to swallow their pride and come to “THE HOUSE OF BROKEN DREAMS” for some much needed relief.
I was amazed to learn from Mr. Oscar the number and description of the enormous quantity of valuable items he had in stock. A great many were musical instruments, plus televisions, typewriters, tools, jewelry including wedding rings, engagement rings and class rings. One unfortunate soul had even pawned his family bible which had been passed down from generation to generation and included his family history from many years back.
Being the wonderful man he was, Mr. Oscar held each pawned item well beyond the expiration date allowing each person every opportunity to reclaim their prized possession. Some did, while many did not. As time passed my friend and I moved on in separate directions while Mr. Oscar and his thousands of pawned items remained.
As you might imagine, kindly old Mr. Oscar was well known and respected in the music community and had at one time or another been benefactor to many who had later attained stardom. His name came up quite often during conversation among his many music friends. It seemed that Mr. Oscar had no living relatives as most of his family had been victims of the Holocaust of the 1930’s and beyond.
The many customers who patronized his “HOUSE OF BROKEN DREAMS” were his adopted family. Therefore when he passed from this life on a snowy Christmas Eve, it came as no surprise to anyone when it was discovered that on each pawn ticket he had handwritten these words, “paid in full, to be returned to their rightful owner’s“.
To no ones surprise the funeral procession stretched for miles as friends came from far and wide to pay their final respects to this gentle man. On his tombstone were written these words;
DEAR MR. OSCAR HAS VACATED HIS “HOUSE OF BROKEN DREAMS” FOR HIS BEAUTIFUL MANSION IN THE SKY
What a wonderful gesture from this kindly old gentleman. Wouldn’t it be nice if each of us could follow his lead and grant a kind deed, or forgive and forget a past wrong done to us, or ask for forgiveness for something we said or did to someone? I know that I’m going to do this, so won’t you join me and from this day forward let’s all do our best to follow this great man’s lead and practice the teachings of the good book by doing unto others as we would have them do unto us.
In closing, let me wish a Merry Christmas to one and all and to all, A GREAT LIFE.
While attending mass on Father’s Day at our Catholic parish I noticed frenzied activity occurring in one of the pews near the front of the church. An elderly woman had passed out during the service and it wasn’t long before a crew of veteran EMT professionals arrived at the church to care for the poor woman.
The attending priest temporarily stopped the service and asked the community to pray in silence while the EMTs tended to her. I was struck while praying for the woman that she was stricken on the church’s feast day of Corpus Christi – a day where the Gospel reading for the mass includes these comforting words:
“I am the resurrection and the life. The person who believes in me, even though he dies, will live. Indeed, everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.” John 11:25-26
As they wheeled the gurney holding the unconscious woman away, I wondered to myself who would take her place in the pew next Sunday if she did not recover. It is something I increasingly ask myself as I witness the gradual decline in attendance at church and the disproportionately higher numbers of older worshipers attending mass relative to the number of young families.
A 2014 Pew Forum survey on church attendance confirms what I have been witnessing with my own eyes over the last 30 years.
One-third (31%) of Americans report being raised in a Catholic household, but only about one in five (21%) Americans currently identify as Catholic (and only 15% of young adults aged 18-29)
For every new Catholic convert, more than six Catholics leave the church (nearly 13 percent of all Americans now describe themselves as “former Catholics.”)
The median age of Catholics attending mass has increased to 49 years old
The fastest growing religious segment is the unaffiliated – those who do not claim to belong to any religion. They now comprise about 23 percent of the total population, and an even larger 39% of young adults
A small segment of the unaffiliated were labeled “rejectionists” by the survey; these are people who do not practice religion and who agree with the statement “religion is not personally important in my life and as a whole religion does more harm than good in society.”
A larger portion of the unaffiliated portray themselves instead as “seekers“; people who acknowledge the virtue of religion yet claim they are “spiritual but not religious“. The survey concluded that “The bulk of the unaffiliated are not carrying on faith traditions or seeking different types of spiritual activity. Most don’t give a lot of thought to religion and God in general”.
It is not surprising that many young people are not attracted to the Catholic religion given the patriarchal and hierarchical organization of the church, the publicity surrounding the clergy sexual abuse scandal and the negative religious treatment of gay and lesbian people.
To be honest, there have been periods of time in my own life when disillusionment with Church policies and the pressing concerns and desires that comprise daily living resulted in me drifting away from the church and becoming a non-practicing Catholic.
After these brief times away, however, I always found myself returning back to the church when I realized that the other things I was pursuing in my life did not bring me the spiritual satisfaction that my soul was seeking and that it received from belonging to a Church community. In my experience, religious faith benefits the soul as education benefits the mind.
Albert Schweitzer, the famed theologian, philosopher, physician and recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize once wrote; “If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan“. I understand the sentiment he was expressing because I did not feel right when I stopped practicing my Catholic faith. I felt like something was missing, like an orphan without a home.
With the general decline in Church attendance, how will future generations learn the moral lessons that the church instilled in me from an early age? Lessons like those below that have guided my steps and provided me with a strong foundation for my journey.
God loves us and the purpose of our existence is to know, love, and serve Him
All people have dignity and worth
We are called to be compassionate to society’s poorest and most vulnerable
God is merciful and forgiving – we should be too
Look for the best in people and do not judge them
Marriage is not just a legal agreement, it is a holy sacrament
The virtues of humility, generosity, self-restraint, patience, kindness and diligence can overcome the sins of pride, greed, immorality, envy, over-indulgence, anger, and laziness
Great value can come from adversity and suffering
Death is not the end
These to me are the important lessons that I learned from being raised in the Catholic faith tradition and it is the people who live according to these teachings that are the true treasures of the Catholic church.
There are other ways to learn these life lessons outside of the church. I know this is true because some of the finest people I know did not grow up in a religious household and do not belong to a religious community – yet they are still a beacon of light and goodness.
I do not know how these remarkable people came to be the way they are, but it makes me hopeful to think that basic moral values are an integral part of the human spirit and that our hearts will be restless until we seek them out and find a way to give them a home either inside or outside an established religious community.
So, regardless of whether you are religious, non-religious, spiritual, or skeptic; my prayer for all of you is that you find what your soul is seeking – a good home.
Words to Live By... 