Wear the World Lightly

There is a story I heard once about two relatives who were attending the funeral services of a wealthy family member. One of them, with a greedy glint in his eyes, leans over and whispers; “how much did he leave?“. The other looks back and responds…”All of it“. The point of the story was that when our time comes, we don’t take any of our possessions with us.

St. Francis of Assisi, who was born into a wealthy noble family, left his life of possessions and privileges to start a monastery and live a life of simplicity. His advice to those who wanted to join him was to “Wear the world like a loose garment, which touches us in a few places and there but lightly”. 

St Francis Statue

The Alcoholic Anonymous organization adopted this teaching of St Francis and shortened it to the simple phrase: Wear the World Lightly. Their 12-step program for overcoming addiction uses lots of sayings to help people detach and overcome their addictions, phrases like: live and let live, let go and let God, turn it over, easy does it, and one day at a time.

All of these statements of detachment are not intended to send a message that we should be indifferent or dead to the world, or have no feelings at all. Rather their purpose is to teach people to face the world with a kind of mindful disengagement.

It is this “detachment with love” philosophy that can help motivate people to create a peaceful space within themselves, separated from the never-ending incoming arrows of uncertainty, fear, anger, and other painful events that plague our life. Practicing detachment helps people look past the daily shocks that occur, producing a change of attitude in the mind and a physical release in the body.

To wear the world as a loose garment is to acknowledge that the world and our life will always press at us and around us, but that it does not have to touch us but “lightly”. Most things are either outside our control or ultimately unimportant. 

We do not need to grasp, manage, dwell on or react to everything that happens to us. We can choose instead to keep the world at an emotional distance so we can stay focused on doing the next right thing. It is an attitude that can relax the body and relieve the mind of the poisonous emotions that overcome us when we are confronted by the people, places or things that beset us.

To be in the world but not of it, is to live and move through life without being emotionally attached to everything that happens. Life can get hard, but those who wear the world lightly learn how to live in the world with their hardships, neither fighting them nor being crushed by them.

St Francis was essentially encouraging us to not sweat the small stuff. To not get annoyed or depressed when life does not go your way or when you do not get what you want. When you have lived long enough you come to understand that most of the things that bother us are small potatoes. Even death apparently, which the Dalai Lama described as a simple change of clothes.

I’ve heard it said that the secret to happiness as we age “is to care less and less about more and more“. The wise elders I have been fortunate to know in my life carried that attitude with them; they tended to let fewer and fewer things bother them as they got older. It’s not because they didn’t care, most likely it was just that they discovered through their life experience that it is possible to walk away, without anger or agitation, from some things they felt passionate about – and still live.

I happened across an on-line sermon about this same topic of wearing the world lightly by Bishop Robert Barron. From a spiritual point of view, Bishop Barron also believes that St Francis’ famous statement was an attempt to teach his followers about the importance of detachment – especially from the goods and achievements of the world.

Not because the world itself is bad – there are all kinds of good, true and beautiful things in the world – but because the things of the world are not the ultimate good and we are not meant to cling to them as though they were.

There are stories throughout the Bible about the futility of clinging on to earthly power, riches and glory. King Solomon is one of the greatest figures in the history of Israel from a standpoint of wealth and power. He was somebody who had it all; nobody was richer, nobody was more famous, nobody had richer palaces or clothes. But, as an old man, looking at all the possessions he has acquired over his lifetime, he says: “Vanity of vanities, all things are vanity!“.

The word vanity in Hebrew signifies something that is insubstantial and momentary, like wind or vapor or bubbles; something that is here for a brief time and then it is gone. Solomon has experienced everything: power, sensual pleasure, wisdom, honor and wealth. He has built up a reserve of wealth through his knowledge and skills and yet when he is gone, he must leave all his property to others who have not labored over it and do not deserve it.

It is not uncommon to hear complaints like this from men as they become old and infirm; “I gave my whole life to my business, I worked hard and I made a fortune. Now I’m an old man and I’m surrounded by ungrateful children and grand-children; and I’ve done all this work and yet these people are going to inherit all my wealth. What’s it all been about“?

If you live to be old enough, at some point, you finally come to realize that everything in this world has a quality of evanescence – it disappears and does not last. It is a good thing if you have been successful and built up a fortune – but it’s not going to last. Because you are going to fade away and it’s all going to go to somebody else.

Should we just be depressed then? Father Barron says no, not depressed, instead we should be detached. Our wealth, power, pleasure and the esteem of other people. It’s good. We should take it in and then let it go. We should enjoy it the way you enjoy a firework going off. Learn to live in the present moment, savoring what we can, but then letting it go.

Why? Because we come to realize that the truly good and beautiful things belong to a higher world. We can sense them in the good things of this world but none of our earthly things last and so if we cling to them, what happens is they disappear, they crumble as we try to grasp at them. Rather see them, appreciate them and then let them go.

We can get caught in an addictive pattern when we cling to the goods of the world. You worry about them so you say to yourself, oh no I better get more. Instead, we would be wise to remember the cautionary parable of the rich fool told by Jesus:

“The ground of a certain rich man brought forth abundantly. He reasoned within himself, saying, ‘What will I do, because I don’t have room to store my crops?’ He said, ‘This is what I will do. I will pull down my barns, and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. I will tell my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years. Take your ease, eat, drink, be merry.”‘ “But God said to him, ‘You fool, this very night your soul is required of you. The things which you have prepared— whose will they be?’

Luke 12:16-21

St Francis asks us to cultivate an attitude of detachment in our life. To stop clinging and hanging on to the things of the world. The more we cling to them, the more we become imprisoned by them. We’ll become bitter, angry , empty if our only focus is on the acquisition of ephemeral things. But if we practice the proper spiritual attitude of detachment and keep our eyes on the true and beautiful things that do not fade away then we will know how to handle the goods of the world as they come to us.

Fr Barron closes his sermon by emphasizing again that wealth in itself is not the problem. He points out that wealthy people can be saintly when they know how to use their wealth, how to wear it lightly and how to become generous with it. The only thing we take with us into the life to come is the quality of our love and what we’ve given away on earth. So, we should forget about trying to fill up our lives with bigger barns; true joy in life comes through building up our treasure in heaven.

The publication of this particular blog represents a milestone for me and the achievement of a goal I set for myself way back in 2013 when I posted my very first Words to Live By blog entry. I have been publishing this monthly blog for almost 10 years now and and have managed to author 100 different blog entries in that time.

I have attempted in this collection of postings to communicate ideas and philosophies that have helped me along the way and given my life direction and meaning. It has been a wonderful mental exercise for me and a labor of love that has helped me recognize things that make life interesting and wonderful. I hope my readers have discovered some of their own words to live by that will be of specific value to them in their own life.

In the spirit of “wearing the world lightly”, I plan to cut back on my blogging activities moving forward so that I am can devote more time focusing on doing the next right things in my life that will increase the quality of my love. I don’t plan to walk away from blogging completely though, as there are always more words to live by to be discovered and examined.

So, keep an eye out for the occasional future posting from me; and until then, may the blessings abound in your life.

“They are so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are”

On a snowy January day this past winter, while minding the fireplace in my living room, I found myself watching the movie/musical The Fiddler on the Roof.

1971 Movie Poster of Fiddler on the Roof

For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, it is set in 1905 Imperial Russia, during a time when the Jews were being persecuted and evicted from their homes and villages by pogroms enacted by the reigning Tsars.

In the story, Tevye, a poor milkman and patriarch of a family with five daughters struggles to maintain his Jewish religious traditions in the face of outside cultural influences that threaten to disrupt and break apart his family.

The first time I watched the movie I was in my 20’s, too young and inexperienced in the ways of life to appreciate the wisdom and insights that were subtly portrayed – especially by the character Tevye.

Tevye is poor and uneducated, but he dreams every day of becoming rich and respected. While doing chores in his barn, he breaks into a song fantasizing about how good his life would be if only he was a wealthy man.

He imagines he would have the best house in town, his wife and children would strut like peacocks around town in the finest of clothes and servants would prepare rich foods for them to feast on every night.

But what Tevye craves most is not money – it is knowledge, wisdom and the respect of his close knit Jewish faith community:

“The most important men in town will come to fawn on me. They will ask me to advise them like Solomon The Wise – posing problems that would cross a rabbi’s eyes. And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong – when you’re rich, they think you really know. If I were rich I’d have that time that I lack to sit in the synagogue and pray and maybe have a seat by the eastern wall, and I’d discuss the Holy Books with the learned men seven hours every day… and that would be the sweetest thing of all.”

Song lyrics from “If I were a Rich Man”

Tevye concludes the song with an appeal to God – one that is universally recognizable to many people who wonder about their lot in life: “Lord, who made the lion and the lamb. You decreed I should be what I am. Would it spoil some vast eternal plan if I were a wealthy man?”.

Despite Tevye’s frustration with his lowly station in life, the townspeople and movie viewers eventually come to respect him because of the authentic and intimate relationship he has with his God and because of the love, mercy and compassion he shows to his daughters.

Those qualities come into sharp focus as Tevye struggles with the fallout from a marriage agreement he has arranged for his oldest daughter Tzeitel. In Jewish tradition of the time it was customary for a father to choose a husband for their daughters. Tevye is pleased with himself because he has made a profitable agreement for his daughter to marry the rich, widowed village butcher.

When he goes to share this good news with his daughter, he is dismayed to learn that she is horrified at the thought of marrying the butcher and she begs her father not to force her into the marriage. He further discovers, that she has secretly pledged herself to marry Motel, the poor town tailor, who comes rushing in at the last moment to ask Tevye for his blessing to marry Tzeitel.

Tevye immediately refuses to give his permission. It is absurd for a couple to arrange a match for themselves. It goes against all tradition! Marriages must be arranged by the Papa! This should never be changed! Motel cannot support his daughter! He is only a poor tailor!

But Tevye begins to reconsider and soften after Motel shouts out “Even a poor Tailor is entitled to some happiness“. He stares into the eyes of his hopeful daughter and the poor tailor and sees the unmistakable love they have for each other, he tells himself that Adam and Eve had no matchmaker except God and he reasons that even though the tailor has absolutely nothing; things could never get worse for him, only better.

Tevye finally relents and gives the couple his blessing, accepting that his daughter is not ordained to have all the comforts in life. His willingness to forsake the rigid strictures of his community traditions and instead see the young couple through eyes of mercy and compassion becomes a grace-filled moment in the movie and a lesson for all of us that stubbornly cling to beliefs that are not based on love.

Two yeas later, we see Tevye delivering milk to his community while talking to God and updating him on the status of his daughter’s marriage.

“Motel and Tzeitel have been married for some time now. They work very hard and they’re as poor as squirrels in winter. But they’re so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are.”

This moment exposes the close personal relationship Tevye has with his God and the comfortable way in which they converse – as though God were just a friendly companion walking with him. Tevye never walks alone because God always walks beside him. It also reveals Tevye’s joy at the success of his daughter’s marriage and his belief that he made the right decision in giving them his blessing.

Tevye’s observation that the couple is so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are struck a chord of recognition with me. When I married my wife Elaine in the Summer of 1982, I was no more than a boy of 22 years old and still in College. We had no idea what was ahead of us. We had only part time jobs, a beat-up car, no savings and I had never been on a plane or traveled anywhere outside of New England.

We were poor as Church mice but we thought life was grand because we had each other and the bright prospect of our whole life in front of us. We saw everything in our life with new eyes and each milestone we shared was a thrill that made the bond between us stronger.

We started with nothing, but we didn’t mind because we loved each other and we had the support of our families who had shown us the blueprint for a successful life and given us the strong foundation we needed to succeed. The good things we had blinded us to the material deficiencies in our life.

Life changed fast for us – within a couple short years we had good jobs, a brand new home, a new car and a beautiful baby daughter. We gradually began to acquire all the trappings of material wealth that are associated with middle class families in America.

There is a challenge for couples as they grow older and more established to still remain grateful for the simple things. Once you begin to take for granted all the little things that first made you happy – and start thinking instead about all the things you don’t have – there exists a danger of developing a miserable attitude because you don’t recognize how good you have it.

The lessons I learned from watching the Fiddler on the Roof is to always look at each day with new eyes, to break away from past traditions that are preventing me from growing in grace and to seek out a more intimate relationship with my higher power – one that will support and comfort me as I navigate through the trials and tribulations of my life.

Whatever stage in life you find yourself in, may you too learn to find happiness in the simple things and always maintain that youthful wonder at the magic of being alive.

“I’m helpless like a rich man’s child”

I was reading an advice column in Money Magazine recently that contained tips for rich parents on how to raise their children so they do not turn out selfish, spoiled, and entitled. It called to mind a lyric from one of Bob Dylan’s songs “I’m helpless, like a rich man’s child“; and it made me wonder if it was more of an advantage or a disadvantage to be born into wealth and privilege.

Upon first consideration, being born into wealth generally guarantees access to superior health  care, education, and life opportunities. On the other hand offspring of wealthy parents tend to exhibit traits of greed, arrogance and superiority along with feelings of insecurity, lack of ambition, resilience and perseverance. A pretty toxic combination of traits that make it difficult for rich kids to grow into successful and well adjusted adults.

This was well portrayed in the movie Willie Wonka by the demanding child Veruca Salt who places constant demands on her parents and after she is sent down the garbage chute for being a “bad egg”, the Oompa Loompa factory workers appear and sing this little ditty of wisdom:

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who’s to blame

The mother and the father

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you’re not spoiled, then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

The challenge of rich parents is in keeping the correct balance, so that they use their wealth to provide positive benefits to their children, without instilling the negative qualities that “spoil” them. Maybe that was the point Pablo Picasso meant when he wrote “I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.“

Those people who dream of winning the lottery and becoming fabulously wealthy don’t often consider these downsides of becoming rich:

1. End of Goals and ambitions because you can obtain whatever you want
2. Being judged unfairly by others because they believe your accomplishments are based on your money rather than your merit.
3. Increased feelings of guilt – because everybody has a sad story and believes you have the means to help them.
4. A complicated life – all that money requires an army of caretakers (homes, investments, properties, taxes, advisors, scams, frauds)
5. A questioning in the back of your mind if the closest people in your life really love you or if they are only pretending in order to gain access to your wealth.
6. The ill will money inspires in other people .
7. The competition for money and to exceed the wealth of those who have greater wealth than you.

Personally I feel that once you have acquired enough money to live comfortably, expending more of your life energy and effort to acquire more is just a waste of time and a waste of life. It is better to spend your life energy and effort on those things that money can’t buy. That is why I have saved and invested my money from an early age, so I can retire early and spend my final years pursuing the things that interest me rather than the things that pay.

“Money doesn’t talk, it swears”

Dollar Sign by Andy Warhol

This lyric comes to mind whenever I hear stories about the growing inequalities between the rich and the poor; how money is corrupting the political process and financial industries; the violent gang warfare taking place to determine who will control the illegal market for drugs; the expensive battles being fought by couples going through bitter divorce proceeding; and the woes of families who fight to distribute the large sums of money they win in government sponsored lotteries. With the media reporting all these stories about the evils of money, it is easy to understand what led Bob Dylan to sing out that money doesn’t talk, it swears.

But in truth, money is not good or bad. It is the things we do in life to obtain money and how we use the money we obtain that matters. St Paul wrote in his letter to Timothy that it is not money itself that is an evil, but the lust for it that leads us to wander off the path:

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

People that let their lives become infected with the love of money are like the character in the John Steinbeck novel The Winter of Our Discontent who believe that “there is no such thing as just enough money. Only two measures: No Money and Not Enough Money“. Pursuing this philosophy can lead to grief when people become slaves to the acquisition and protection of their money at the expense of the more important things in their lives.

It can be easy to become deceived that money brings happiness, but we have countless examples in life that show riches and fame and power do not guarantee happiness. All you have to do is watch one of the many reality TV shows that document the drama and misery of most celebrity lives. After viewing a few of those shows, I’m thankful that I’m not rich, powerful, or famous. I think it would be difficult to live when people treat you like a god and you have to deal with the kinds of temptations that come from knowing you can have anything you want. And it must be an empty feeling to know that you have all these things yet none of them brings you happiness. I once listened to a nurse talk about a hospital in Miami that catered to very rich and famous people. She said that the number one reason why those people came to the hospital was because they were suffering from depression.

Theodore Parker acknowledged that having too much money or too little money can make life difficult when he wrote “Wealth and want equally harden the human heart“.  I’m convinced that money itself does not bring happiness, but I do realize that money does make life easier. People with means have more freedom to make choices in their life that are not available to those who are struggling to live from paycheck to paycheck. And statistics show that the well-off are better educated, have better access to health care, live in safer communities and have longer lifespans. Money, when used in the proper way, can be a good that gives people more freedom to make choices about how they will live their life and those who have it are better able to positively influence the lives of their families and promote the causes that are important to them .

In my life I have tried to live a life of integrity, living simply while using the money I have accumulated as a means to an end – not in the acquisition of things but in the accomplishments of my life’s objectives. I have been fortunate to live somewhere between wealth and want  – in that ideal middle ground that Pablo Picasso once described “…as a poor man, with lots of money“.

Here are some examples from my life that show how I attempted to avoid wandering off the path in my pursuit of money, while at the same time using the money I did make to help achieve my life goals:

• When my wife and I were newly married and just starting out, we made the collective decision that our living budget would be based on my salary alone so that she would not have to work and could stay home with our young children. That decision led us to buy a reasonably priced house with an unfinished upstairs that I could afford with my salary and finish in my spare time as the family grew and our financial condition improved.

• While the children were young, we spent money for my wife to take college classes at night so she could get a teaching degree in Early Childhood Education. As a result, when the children reached school age she was able to land a job teaching at the same private Catholic Elementary school that our children were attending. The time they shared together and the bonding that resulted during those formative growing years was priceless to us and worth all the financial sacrifices that we made.

• Throughout my career I have made it a point to avoid becoming coin-operated – chasing salary and job positions solely to earn a higher paycheck. Several times during my career I turned down promotions and other job offers that would have paid me more money, but would have resulted in more headaches, more time away from my family, and less job satisfaction.

• From my first job as a paperboy when I was 10 through all the various jobs I have had in my career, I made it a point to save a portion of my paycheck. This practice  allowed me to always have money on hand to pay for those inevitable emergencies that come up during life and to put money away to pay for my eventual retirement – so that I will not become a financial burden to my children in my old age and so that I can retire while I am still healthy and pursue other activities that interest me and will contribute to my growth.

• I allocate a percentage of my income to donate to the people, organizations, and causes that I feel are worthy or that have touched me along the way in  some way great or small. A Memorial Fund for my wife that benefits childhood education, Catholic Charities who provide services to help the poor and vulnerable, Hospice programs that comfort the dying and offer bereavement programs for their loved ones, a Conservation organization dedicated to preserving wilderness areas for the public and contributions to individual causes that come up in the course of daily life.

My objective in all the ways that I obtain and spend money is to turn Bob’s phrase around – rather than make my money swear, I try to make my money pray. A prayer to do useful and productive work in the world, a prayer to provide material comfort for my family, a prayer to help those who are in need, a prayer to assist my loved ones to reach their full potential, a prayer to preserve our world for future generations and a prayer to retire with dignity and leave a legacy for those that follow.

My prayer for you is that all the money that you receive and spend be for a blessing – and not a curse – all the days of your life.