Sorry is a Sacrament

One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.

The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.

A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.

The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.

What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.

Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.

This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.

Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.

I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):

“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.

Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS

So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.

Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.

That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.

I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.

Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.

When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.

Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.

Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.

After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.

Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.

By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:

• It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
• It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
• It conveys remorse
• It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.

A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.

During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.

“There’s a way to do it better – find it”

I mentioned in a previous blog about the serendipity of finding interesting or compelling books at the book swap shed of my little town’s Transfer Station. I recently finished reading a book that I happened to find there called The Grace of Great Things – Creativity and Innovation.

The author, Robert Grudin, a former professor of English at the University of Oregon, described the book as a study in creativity and innovation. The title refers to the words a monk is said to have spoken to the young child Michel Colombe (before he became a famous sculptor) as the monk observed the child forgetting to eat because carving things in wood seemed more important to him:

“Work, little one, look all you can, the steeple of St. Paul and the beautiful work of the Compagnons. Look, love God, and the grace of great things will be given to you.”

Even though I do not consider myself a particularly creative person, especially in the area of the arts, the study of creativity holds some interest for me because I have had a tendency throughout my personal and professional life to seek out innovative solutions to problems I encounter. My training in engineering and the sciences taught me to step back and look at a problem from all perspectives – and to devise solutions that are not always obvious or biased by traditional thinking.

Of all the kinds of joy in this life, none perhaps is as pure as the kind experienced when sudden insight leads to the discovery of an elegant solution to a vexing problem. I have felt this satisfaction often in my professional life while creating software applications to solve our customer’s problems and while patenting new test methods that made finding electrical defects on Electronic Printed Circuit Boards faster and safer.

The word inspiration originally meant a breath of divinity, and it seems appropriate that it is used to describe that moment when a creative solution flashes into your consciousness. To be inspired feels like a divine event – something that seems to come from beyond as the mind surrenders to a force outside its control.

Gruden’s study documented the characteristics and particular habits that creative people share and that lead to original thinking and bold ideas. Those looking to become more inventive should practice the following mental habits and attitudes that Gruden writes are most congenial to inspiration:

Passion for Work – People are often advised to find a job that they love and it appears that those who do are usually the most creative. Creativity blossoms when you fully identify with your work and see it as an expression of your character.

People who love their job, derive pleasure from it and like the border collie are happiest when they are working and have a job to do. Their passion for work inhabits the full volume of their mind and persists during leisure hours and even during their sleep. In the creative life there is no distinction between leisure and work. Creative people belong to their work, and their commitment is rewarded with unexpected discovery.

Love of the Problematic – People who spend their lives ignoring and denying problems rarely become inspired. Conversely, the minds of creative people instinctively love tackling problems and discovering solutions. Creative people are sometimes seen as troublemakers because they upset the status quo by exposing problems that have been ignored.

Thomas Edison would instruct his engineers to observe closely and pay attention to things that did not totally fit. When he saw the slightest flaws with a proposed solution he would send them back to the drawing board with the instructions “there is a better way – find it“.

Love of Beauty – Moments of creativity, when inspiration leads to the discovery of an elegant solution to a problem one has worked on so passionately are rare.

Innovative people see great beauty in these moments when they come and they strive to capture the same feeling of beauty in all the other areas of their life.

A Sense of Wholeness – Creative people are good at looking at the big picture. When examining a problem, they are able to deconstruct the individual elements that form an object and see how the various parts are interconnected.

This quality opens up perspectives that allow them to visualize the true identity of a problem and it encourages their minds to explore new thought patterns and see potential discontinuities and anomalies that others don’t.

Boldness and a Sense of Openness – A willingness to follow good ideas despite their forbidding strangeness takes courage. Creative people do not fear ideas and are willing to ignore prior assumptions and walk on the edge of chaos; opening themselves to bold new ideas even at the risk of looking ridiculous.

Innocence and Playfulness – Inventive people have a way of looking at each new project as a blank slate – unbiased by tradition and what has come before. They are like inquisitive babies trying to make sense of an item without known purpose or use.

They do not put limits on solutions (like people whose only tool is a hammer want to define define all problems as a nail) and they are happy to travel down unexpected paths (like a cook who turns a failed mousse into a successful chocolate topping).

Suffering – It is not obvious, but inspiration is related to suffering. Creative people often have to suffer through failure of experiments, the refutation of hypotheses, the trashing of one’s own findings, dead-ends, disapproval and rejection.

Even the process of achieving professional credentials is usually full of pain (endless study, practice, humiliation by teachers, competition with peers, the sting of criticism and the fear of inadequacy). Inspiration is impossible without groaning effort, without the painful winning of skill, and hard-earned expertise.

Pain has always functioned as a stimulus to material progress. It was fear pain, and grief that helped drive the great medical and social advances that exponentially increased the length of the human lifetime.

Individuals who spend their lives in the persistent avoidance of pain are not likely to amount to much. When pain and suffering is duly faced and endured, like exercise, it builds the endurance and humility that make us amenable to inspiration.

Remembrance – Many noted revolutionaries and innovators claim that their ideas were not new. They explain that they were simply maintaining continuity with the past and restoring old ideas that had been corrupted or forgotten.

Creative people utilize their remembrance of the past to invent new applications that incorporate old ideas – they are adept at rediscovering something that was always true and adapting it to a new application.

Liberty – The essence of inventiveness lies in recognizing that the world is capable of innumerable configurations. Those who have lived long and paid attention know not only that things can change – but also that it is a law of nature that they must change.

Successful people anticipate how things are changing or will change in the future and work within a system that gives them the freedom and liberty to advocate solutions that will best meet those changing needs.

People living in autocratic and rigid systems of governance do not advance as fast as those living in a free and democratic system because the barriers those societies set in place do not empower their citizens to pursue their ideas to their full potential.

When looked at together, these identified habits and attitudes map out an environment that makes the mind fertile for creativity and the growth of inspiration – planting a virtual garden for the inquiring mind to wander. For most people, visits to this garden are rare, only occurring by chance and surprise.

That is the case for me. I recognize in myself many of the qualities and characteristics that Gruden associates with creative people and I have been fortunate to experience the thrill and satisfaction that comes from discovering innovative test methods and software applications during my long work career.

But those were high points in a career that also included plenty of low points, times when the enemies of discovery (depression, complacency and laziness) took root in me. Those were unproductive times in my life because people who are lazy or just trying to get by seldom make important contributions.

I am finding that just because I am retired now doesn’t mean I need to stop striving to be creative. The habits of creative people identified by Gruden are not limited to the workplace. I find these same habits of creativity can be applied while I am fishing, while I am working on household projects, while I am coding fun software programs for my grandsons to play and even while performing my volunteering activities teaching children and serving on the school board.

It is important to mention, amidst all this praise about the delights of inspiration, that creativity does not always confine itself to happy subjects or result in happy outcomes. History, unfortunately, is filled with examples of tragic visions and genius put to use in the service of malice. Knowing that creativity can be put to dangerous applications gives us an obligation to always be on the lookout for it and to speak out against it when we see it employed in harmful ways.

In the end though I believe there is a major connection between ethics and creativity. The great majority of inventions and innovations throughout the ages have been driven by a desire to make the world a better place. That 15th century monk was on to something profoundly relevant when he linked the word grace, and the pattern of moral strengths that it suggests, as the foundation of major creative achievement.

May you practice the habits of creative thinking to free your mind and to make your life and our world a better place… so that the grace of great things will be given to you too.

“They are so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are”

On a snowy January day this past winter, while minding the fireplace in my living room, I found myself watching the movie/musical The Fiddler on the Roof.

1971 Movie Poster of Fiddler on the Roof

For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, it is set in 1905 Imperial Russia, during a time when the Jews were being persecuted and evicted from their homes and villages by pogroms enacted by the reigning Tsars.

In the story, Tevye, a poor milkman and patriarch of a family with five daughters struggles to maintain his Jewish religious traditions in the face of outside cultural influences that threaten to disrupt and break apart his family.

The first time I watched the movie I was in my 20’s, too young and inexperienced in the ways of life to appreciate the wisdom and insights that were subtly portrayed – especially by the character Tevye.

Tevye is poor and uneducated, but he dreams every day of becoming rich and respected. While doing chores in his barn, he breaks into a song fantasizing about how good his life would be if only he was a wealthy man.

He imagines he would have the best house in town, his wife and children would strut like peacocks around town in the finest of clothes and servants would prepare rich foods for them to feast on every night.

But what Tevye craves most is not money – it is knowledge, wisdom and the respect of his close knit Jewish faith community:

“The most important men in town will come to fawn on me. They will ask me to advise them like Solomon The Wise – posing problems that would cross a rabbi’s eyes. And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong – when you’re rich, they think you really know. If I were rich I’d have that time that I lack to sit in the synagogue and pray and maybe have a seat by the eastern wall, and I’d discuss the Holy Books with the learned men seven hours every day… and that would be the sweetest thing of all.”

Song lyrics from “If I were a Rich Man”

Tevye concludes the song with an appeal to God – one that is universally recognizable to many people who wonder about their lot in life: “Lord, who made the lion and the lamb. You decreed I should be what I am. Would it spoil some vast eternal plan if I were a wealthy man?”.

Despite Tevye’s frustration with his lowly station in life, the townspeople and movie viewers eventually come to respect him because of the authentic and intimate relationship he has with his God and because of the love, mercy and compassion he shows to his daughters.

Those qualities come into sharp focus as Tevye struggles with the fallout from a marriage agreement he has arranged for his oldest daughter Tzeitel. In Jewish tradition of the time it was customary for a father to choose a husband for their daughters. Tevye is pleased with himself because he has made a profitable agreement for his daughter to marry the rich, widowed village butcher.

When he goes to share this good news with his daughter, he is dismayed to learn that she is horrified at the thought of marrying the butcher and she begs her father not to force her into the marriage. He further discovers, that she has secretly pledged herself to marry Motel, the poor town tailor, who comes rushing in at the last moment to ask Tevye for his blessing to marry Tzeitel.

Tevye immediately refuses to give his permission. It is absurd for a couple to arrange a match for themselves. It goes against all tradition! Marriages must be arranged by the Papa! This should never be changed! Motel cannot support his daughter! He is only a poor tailor!

But Tevye begins to reconsider and soften after Motel shouts out “Even a poor Tailor is entitled to some happiness“. He stares into the eyes of his hopeful daughter and the poor tailor and sees the unmistakable love they have for each other, he tells himself that Adam and Eve had no matchmaker except God and he reasons that even though the tailor has absolutely nothing; things could never get worse for him, only better.

Tevye finally relents and gives the couple his blessing, accepting that his daughter is not ordained to have all the comforts in life. His willingness to forsake the rigid strictures of his community traditions and instead see the young couple through eyes of mercy and compassion becomes a grace-filled moment in the movie and a lesson for all of us that stubbornly cling to beliefs that are not based on love.

Two yeas later, we see Tevye delivering milk to his community while talking to God and updating him on the status of his daughter’s marriage.

“Motel and Tzeitel have been married for some time now. They work very hard and they’re as poor as squirrels in winter. But they’re so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are.”

This moment exposes the close personal relationship Tevye has with his God and the comfortable way in which they converse – as though God were just a friendly companion walking with him. Tevye never walks alone because God always walks beside him. It also reveals Tevye’s joy at the success of his daughter’s marriage and his belief that he made the right decision in giving them his blessing.

Tevye’s observation that the couple is so happy, they don’t know how miserable they are struck a chord of recognition with me. When I married my wife Elaine in the Summer of 1982, I was no more than a boy of 22 years old and still in College. We had no idea what was ahead of us. We had only part time jobs, a beat-up car, no savings and I had never been on a plane or traveled anywhere outside of New England.

We were poor as Church mice but we thought life was grand because we had each other and the bright prospect of our whole life in front of us. We saw everything in our life with new eyes and each milestone we shared was a thrill that made the bond between us stronger.

We started with nothing, but we didn’t mind because we loved each other and we had the support of our families who had shown us the blueprint for a successful life and given us the strong foundation we needed to succeed. The good things we had blinded us to the material deficiencies in our life.

Life changed fast for us – within a couple short years we had good jobs, a brand new home, a new car and a beautiful baby daughter. We gradually began to acquire all the trappings of material wealth that are associated with middle class families in America.

There is a challenge for couples as they grow older and more established to still remain grateful for the simple things. Once you begin to take for granted all the little things that first made you happy – and start thinking instead about all the things you don’t have – there exists a danger of developing a miserable attitude because you don’t recognize how good you have it.

The lessons I learned from watching the Fiddler on the Roof is to always look at each day with new eyes, to break away from past traditions that are preventing me from growing in grace and to seek out a more intimate relationship with my higher power – one that will support and comfort me as I navigate through the trials and tribulations of my life.

Whatever stage in life you find yourself in, may you too learn to find happiness in the simple things and always maintain that youthful wonder at the magic of being alive.

“A Good Day is a Laugh and a Cry”

An ex-convict speaking at a prison ministry event I attended several years ago recalled that his grandmother always used to say to him that “a good day is a laugh and a cry”. I was struck by the wisdom in that observation and of how those two basic emotions become more important as we age and experience all the joys and sorrows that life has to offer.

Joy and sorrow are universally experienced and part of what makes us truly human – we all live our lives between a laugh and a tear. Both emotions are valuable because humor amplifies our sense of well-being while sorrow and grief help us to deal with the difficult times in our life.

Scientific studies have confirmed the benefits of both laughter and sorrow. Laughter has been shown to be powerful medicine because it helps lower blood pressure, reduce stress levels, fight off sickness, provide relief from chronic pain and even improve muscle tone.

Crying is also beneficial to our health in ways that are complementary to laughter (which is why most people usually feel better after a good cry). Crying can wash toxic chemicals out of our body and lift our moods by releasing psychological tension and exposing painful emotions that need to be addressed before we can move on.

Washington Irving got to the essence of why we shed tears when he wrote these words:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

This phrase also highlights that laughter and crying are not mutually exclusive. It is is important for us to recognize the humor in our life even during our moments of sorrow. One of the things I cherish most about my relationship with my wife is that In the midst of our most sorrowful moments we can also share a laugh; and in the middle of our laughter we can recognize loss and grace which can raise tears.

So, my recommendation to you is to make every day a good day and find a reason to laugh and cry. Here is one of my favorite jokes to help you get your day started with a  laugh…

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.