Sorry is a Sacrament

One of the year’s pleasant surprises for New England baseball fans everywhere was the Boston Red Sox winning of the 2021 American League East Division Series. It was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the home team and none of the baseball experts predicted them to be in a position to compete for a playoff spot this season.

The 2021 Red Sox team was a scrappy and likable bunch of players, fighting until the last out and often coming from behind to win games. They were underdogs all year but managed to squeak into a wildcard playoff position; where they then proceeded to defeat their arch-rival New York Yankees, and odds-on favorites Tampa Bay Rays – before finally losing in the championship series to the Houston Astros.

A lot of the credit for the team’s successful season was given to their young manager, Alex Cora. Alex had previously coached the Red Sox and was praised for leading the team to the World Series Championship in 2018. He was suspended by Major League Baseball for the entire 2020 season, however, when it was discovered that he participated in a scheme to steal the opposing team’s pitching signals back in 2017 when he was working as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

Trying to steal your opponents signs is a tradition as old as baseball because it can give batters a significant advantage when they know which type of pitch is coming (Fastball, Curveball, Sinker, Breaking Ball, Splitter, etc.). Stealing signs is not against the rules as long as the players manage to decipher the signals using personnel that are on the field.

The most common way teams try to steal signs is for a runner on base to peek in and study the hand signals the catcher sends to his pitcher prior to every pitch and then relay the sign to his teammate standing in the batting box. If a team does not disguise their signals effectively or change them up occasionally, then the opposing team is usually able to decode them.

What made the sign-stealing scheme devised by the Houston Astros and Alex Cora against the rules is that their efforts made use of on-field technology. They used a dedicated camera in the center field stands of their home stadium that was focused directly on the opposing team’s catcher. The video was sent to a monitor near the Houston dugout where Houston players could examine it and quickly decode the signs being sent to the pitcher. Various methods were then used to communicate the decoded pitch signs to the batter, including hand signals, whistling and banging on a trash can. Alex Cora even received the stolen sign information on the smartwatch he was wearing.

Condemnation was swift when the scheme was first revealed to the public in 2019 by a traded Houston pitcher. The whole Houston Astros team was immediately branded as cheaters and the World Series championship Houston won in 2017 came to be seen as illegitimate, tarnished forever by the cheating scandal. Major League Baseball conducted a retroactive investigation in 2019 and punished all the managers it found participated in the scheme with a one year suspension.

This included Alex Cora, who had moved on to manager of the Boston Red Sox and led them to the 2018 World Series Championship. Cora paid a high price for his decision to participate in the cheating scheme. The once proud man lost his job, his sterling reputation, his dignity, and the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. He spent a year exiled away from the game he loved while he watched the media attack his character and his young children suffer because of his sullied reputation.

Despite the harsh judgement, Cora never complained. He sincerely apologized for his actions, admitted his fault in the sign stealing scheme, acknowledged that what he did was unfair to the teams they played against and accepted his punishment as well deserved. It was clear he truly felt remorse for his role in the whole affair.

I found myself becoming emotional while watching Alex Cora lovingly embrace his young 14 year old daughter Camilla in the immediate aftermath of the Red Sox victory over the Rays in the Division Series. A postgame reporter asked Alex what that moment meant to him after serving a year of suspension. Here is the video clip of that special moment courtesy of the MLB Network (along with a transcript of his remarks about his family):

“I’m happy for my family. I put them in such a tough spot last year and for them to be able to enjoy it is very gratifying, I’m very very happy for them. She [Camilla] suffered a lot and it was my fault, and sometimes we make bad decisions, and I made a horrible decision in baseball and I paid the price. But what really hurt me was for them to suffer because of my mistakes. And for her to enjoy this is very gratifying.

Alex Cora, Postgame interview, 2021 ALDS

So many people today are afraid to say they are sorry or admit they have done something wrong. They view apologizing as a sign of weakness and surrender; therefore their egos prevent them from owning up to their mistakes or attempting to repair and heal the hurt they have caused.

Still other people never develop the moral compass or sense of compassion and empathy that is necessary to understand how their actions negatively affect others. They feel entitled, believing that the world revolves around them – and they are so used to thinking about themselves that they have no capacity to think about anyone else.

That is why it was so refreshing to watch how Alex Cora handled the fall out from the cheating scandal. Here was a rare example of an authentic apology, one where Alex confessed remorse for his mistake, admitted that it was wrong, fully cooperated with the investigators, accepted his punishment and attempted to make amends with those who were most hurt.

I can’t help but contrast Alex Cora’s apology with one recently made by the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was widely criticized when it was discovered that he lied to reporters at a press conference when he told them he had been fully “immunized” against the COVID-19 virus. The truth that he had never received a vaccination was only revealed after he became infected with COVID and was forced to go into NFL quarantine protocols.

Rather than apologizing for lying to reporters and his failure to follow mandated COVID-19 safety protocols, Rodgers first tried to explain that when he said he was immunized he meant he had taken some (ineffective) home treatment and he didn’t actually say that he was vaccinated. He inferred that the reporters were to blame because they assumed immunized meant vaccinated.

When that explanation was roundly ridiculed, Rogers tried again by issuing a statement saying that some people might have felt misled by his comments and that he takes full responsibility for the misleading comments.

Notice in this example of a fake apology Rogers never says he is sorry for putting people at risk and he never says he regrets what he did. He apologizes only to those who “felt misled,” as if it was just their feeling, and not his own actions, that were to blame. The reality is that people felt misled because Rodgers misled them.

Rodgers elaborated further, explaining that he believed strongly in body autonomy and that he wasn’t up-front with people because he didn’t want to acquiesce to a “woke culture” or a “crazed group of individuals” who harass those who choose not to get vaccinated. With this explanation, Rodgers again shifts the blame for his wrongdoing. It is not his fault that he lied and exposed others to potential risk, – it is the fault of a group of crazy people and the toxic culture.

After this explanation was also criticized, Aaron Rodgers just refused to talk anymore about the subject. This was probably his wisest decision since bad apologies that blame the victims usually make things worse than saying nothing at all.

Looking in someone’s eyes and offering a sincere apology is not easy. Many people, like Aaron Rodgers, attempt to get by with with fake apologies which seek to avoid responsibility by making excuses, shifting blame, downplaying what was done, invalidating the hurt person, or trying to move on prematurely.

By contrast, Psychologists say that authentic apologies have most or all of the following elements:

• It is freely offered without conditions or minimizing of what was done
• It conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt person’s experience and feelings
• It conveys remorse
• It offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• It offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

During my lifetime I have given more than my share of ineffective apologies, but it is a life skill that I’m still working to improve because it is impossible for any of us to go through life without hurting someone. As Bob Dylan once sang: “I hurt easy, I just don’t show it; you can hurt someone and not even know it“. We are all human and in the daily course of our existence, no matter how hard we try, there are going to be moments ahead when we are guilty of hurting people. During those moments of our life, we should try, like Alex Cora, to put aside our egos and summon the humility and dignity that is required to repair the damaged relationship and make it stronger.

A good apology is like an offering or a gift that has a supernatural power to heal. The Catholic faith believes that admitting to our faults and seeking reconciliation with God and our neighbors is so important that they have established it as one of the Church’s seven sacred sacraments. The practice of Confession and forgiveness are referred to as a healing sacrament, one in which a spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through channels of divine grace.

During this season of thanks giving and gift giving, may you too come to experience the holy and redemptive power of the Sacrament of Sorry that is just waiting for all of us who seek it out sincerely.

The Prayers of All Good People are Good

As the days lengthen and Spring approaches here in the Northeast, my thoughts customarily turn to matters of the spirit. It is my Catholic upbringing and roots that have instilled in me the impulse to observe the yearly ritual of Lent – a period of 40 days that begins with Ash Wednesday and ends with the celebration of Easter Sunday. It is done in remembrance of the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert prior to beginning his public life, as well as to give thanks and praise for the great sacrifice that followers believe Jesus made to reconcile us with God.

Lent is meant to be a time of repentance and self-examination which is marked by prayer, almsgiving, and fasting (from foods and festivities). It asks Christians to contemplate eternity, examine all areas of their life and to focus on activities that will repair injustices in our personal relationships with God, with ourselves, and with our neighbors.

Historically, Lent has been an important time in the religious calendar for Catholic and other Christian denominations, but the number of souls observing the practices of Lent has gradually been diminishing for years. It is difficult to convince people of the virtues of self-denial or making amends for past mistakes in today’s modern culture of instant gratification – one in which acknowledging faults is seen as weakness. Most Christian denominations prefer to focus on the glory of the Resurrection while downplaying the message of sorrow and grief that is represented by the Cross.

For many, observing Lent is uncomfortable because it smacks of religious duty and shame. They point out that Jesus himself never established the tradition of Lent as a commandment for his followers to observe and that he actually chastised the religious leaders of his day because “They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden”.

How individuals decide to worship is a matter between them and God, but for me I choose to observe the practices of Lent because they force me to take a hard look at my life and reflect on those things that are stopping me from achieving a greater awareness and intimacy with the Creator. Lent also helps me gain the spiritual discipline I need to overcome bad habits that are preventing me from being at greater peace with myself and my neighbors.

Besides the spiritual benefits, Lent also helps to nurture the important life skills of patience and self-sacrifice. Learning how to delay our impulses for immediate pleasure in favor of long-term goal achievement is a useful skill required for healthy human growth. Being able to control our impulses gives way to the formation of new brain pathways and new habit formation.

Psychological studies show that people who are able to delay their desires for possessions and outcomes are much better adjusted and happier in life. The ability to override the impulse to seek instant pleasure needs to be nurtured in children so that they learn at an early age that impulses will pass, but long term goals are unlikely to be achieved without the ability to sacrifice short-term desires.

The famous “Marshmallow experiment” conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel in 1972 at Stanford University found that young children who were able to wait longer for their preferred rewards (an extra marshmallow) tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by school test scores, educational attainment, body mass index and other life measures.

I can’t help but think that the Lenten habits of sacrifice and self-denial that I have practiced over the years has had a hand in the successful achievement of “non-spiritual” goals throughout my life. The decisions I made to focus on studies rather than parties in College, to live a modest lifestyle, to exercise and watch what I eat, reaped benefits in my later life; when they enabled me to secure a good job, provide for my family, retire early and remain healthy enough in my old age to play with my active grandchildren.

While I advocate the virtues of the Catholic tradition of Lent, I want to make it clear that I believe no single religion can lay claim to the mystery of God. There are many paths to the Divine and we run the risk of becoming self-righteous and arrogant when we start to believe that our practices are the only way to God.

This is beautifully illustrated in a passage from the classic novel My Antonia by Willa Cather. The novel tells the story of an orphaned boy living in 19th century Nebraska, Jim Burden, and a newly arrived family of Bohemian immigrants, the Shimerda’s, who are struggling to make a living farming the harsh but fertile prairie.

The scene is Christmas, and Mr. Shimerda, the Bohemian neighbor, who is having a hard time keeping his family warm and fed (and understands little English) comes to visit Jim Burden and his grandparents at their home. Here’s what the narrator Jim tells the readers:

“As it grew dark, I asked whether I might light the Christmas tree […]. When the candle-ends sent up their conical yellow flames, all the colored figures from Austria stood out clear and full of meaning against the green boughs. Mr. Shimerda rose, crossed himself, and quietly knelt down before the tree, his head sunk forward. His long body formed a letter ‘S.’ I saw grandmother look apprehensively at grandfather. He was rather narrow in religious matters, and sometimes spoke out and hurt people’s feelings. There had been nothing strange about the tree before, but now, with someone kneeling before it—images, candles… Grandfather merely put his finger-tips to his brow and bowed his venerable head, thus Protestantizing the atmosphere[. . . .]

At nine o’clock Mr. Shimerda lighted one of our lanterns and put on his overcoat and fur collar. He stood in the little entry hall, the lantern and his fur cap under his arm, shaking hands with us. When he took grandmother’s hand, he bent over it as he always did, and said slowly, ‘Good wo-man!’ He made the sign of the cross over me, put on his cap and went off in the dark. As we turned back to the sitting-room, grandfather looked at me searchingly. ‘The prayers of all good people are good,’ he said quietly.”

Mr. Shimerda’s visit on Christmas Day disrupts the religious harmony the Burden family typically feels in their home. They feel an uncomfortable undercurrent of blasphemy occurring due to the gap in beliefs between the different religions. The Shimerdas came from a western region of the Czech Republic with a large Catholic population while the Burdens were observant Protestants. By his action of kneeling in front of the Burdens purely symbolic Christmas decoration, Mr. Shimerda transforms the tree into an explicitly religious icon.

While the Burdens may not identify, or even agree, with this act of religious display in their house, Mr. Burden decides to tolerate it quietly. “The prayers of all good people are good,” he remarks as Mr. Shimerda vanishes into the Christmas night. It is a noble sentiment and a triumph of religious tolerance on the frontier prairie.

It becomes a moment of divine insight in an era when Protestants and Catholics would not even enter each other’s churches or let their children intermarry. Even Catholics of different ethnicities often didn’t mix, as can be seen in towns even today that feature multiple large churches, only blocks from one another, that cater to different ethnicities (French, Polish, German, Lithuanian, etc.).

It is a good lesson for us to remember, even in this day and age, when so many people have left organized religions to pursue their own personal ideals of spirituality. It is important for us to move beyond our religious silos and be open to all the good people we encounter who may not share our religious heritage but still want to pray for us, hold us in the light, or send us good thoughts or healing energy. All these things can be comforting and helpful when they come from well-intentioned, sincere people with good hearts.

In this season of new life and growth may you bask in the prayers of all good people and no matter what your religious persuasion or beliefs are, may it always be said of you that your prayers are good!